My DM has read all my facebook messages. AIBU to be furious and hurt, even though

[MoomieAndFreddie]

there was messages in there slagging her off?

here is some background, because i don't want to drip feed: i had a pretty unhappy childhood. on the surface it was good, we had everything we wanted, a nice home and material things. but i was very, very unhappy, bullied at school, low self esteem, few friends, and also made very bad decisions ie promiscuous behaviour, drugs, smoking and alcohol at an early age. i then suffered a lot of stress and depression from my early 20's and never managed to stick at any job. i never really understood why i was so unhappy and mixed up. but since i became a mum myself in the last few years, i have realised that things were not right in our family. i don't want to pin all my past problems on my parents. but for the most time, i felt like i was a nuisance, a hindrance, i felt second best to my brother and even cousins and friends etc. it was all comments like "why can't you be more like so and so" etc. it was more my mum than my dad as he was never around much as had his own business and worked very long hours. it was like my mum didn't like me. she never cuddled me or told us she loved me, she never complimented us, i grew up thinking i must be ugly and unlovable, hence the bad decisions particularly with men etc. I am still on ADs now and have been in and out of counselling for my low self esteem and depression for years.

So a while ago I was talking on FB to my friend about this, as she has had a similar background so we often talk about our childhoods. Then recently I logged into FB on my dads i phone. Well today I got a text from my mum saying i had left myself logged in., So I asked her to log me out, to which she replied she didnt know how . Then a few hours later I logged in to my fb to find my mum had sent a message to my friend VIA MY ACCOUNT saying she has seen all the messages and her and my dad are very upset.

i am absolutely furious, and morttified, because we spoke about such private, personal things. and there are dozens of messages to and from other friends about personal things and i just feel completely violated and sick. my friend is gutted too as my mum now knows some very private things about her.

i am sorry this is long. i'm devastated. and on a practical level i dont know what the hell to do as my mum babysits my youngest DC when i go to work and also we are supposed to be going on holiday (me and dh) and she and my dad are meant to be babysitting. :(

[HecateLarpo]

Perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to clear the air and discuss all your hurts and resentments?

It's painful to have to deal with this, but perhaps it's better that she knows how you feel. You can begin to deal with it.

[McHappyPants2012]

(((((( unMN hugs ))))))))

Yanbu :(

[HissyByName]

Are you lying about her though? If not, you have a right to discuss it.

She mighjt not like it, but it's YOUR life,m your FB.

Get yourself a childminder, get a friend to have your DD, and stop giving your DM control over your life.

[FrustratedSycamorePants]

Yabu. I can understand why your parents are upset. How would you feel if one of your DCs treated you like this? Perhaps you could apologise to them for hurting their feelings and discuss your feelings rather than worrying about not having babysitter.

[MoomieAndFreddie]

No, its all true. :(

She wouldn't think its true though But it is.

[RandomMess]

I would use it as an opportunity to say to her once and for all, well that is my experience of my childhood - I'm sorry that the truth hurts.

[GoSakuramachi]

Well, its true from your persepective, and less so from hers. There is no actual truth in any of it, so you can't simply say "thats how it was".
You shouldn't have left your FB open for them to see such personal hurtful messages about how awful they are and were. They shoudn't have read them either, but you do sound like you have a tendency to only see things from your own point of view.

[CookieRookie]

That's awful op, how dare she read through your personal messages. I'd be fucking livid too.

My Mum always had the notion that I couldn't talk to anyone about our relationship, like it was a betrayal. Even when I started going to counselling she would ask what I had talked about. When I told her that I discussed our reltionship she went nuts, apparently I had painted her in a very bad light.

Truth hurts I say. She hurt me, I needed to talk. I told her I was a separate individual to her and I was entitled to discuss MY LIFE, past, present or future with whomever I choose. She didn't like it and threatened not to look after dd (which she did regularly when I didn't conform!) when she knew I had no other childminding options but her.

Finally I bit the bullet, not long ago actually, and wrote her a letter telling her exactly how she made me feel my whole life and I was ending our relationship if she didn't start treating me with some respect and dignity. She didn't talk to me for weeks but I guess when she put her head on her pillow every night my works rang in her head and she realised she was wrong. She called, we talked and have a better relationship in the last 6 months than we had the previous 20 years.

Confront her with the truth. She can cry hurt all she wants but she was wrong. You have every right to discuss your life with any one you wish.

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

If people want to snoop, then they must bear the consequences of their snooping. The consequences for your mother is that she is having to face how she fucked up as a mother. You have done nothing wrong.

[mynewpassion]

Live and learn. If you can't say what you want in real life, then don't say it on FB, a public domain even if its so called private.

[MoomieAndFreddie]

it was via PRIVATE messages mynewpassion . To me, thats no different to someone reading personal letters or emails. Or eavesdropping on a telephone call. If it was on someones wall for all to see then thats different.

And gosakuramachi exactly who the HELL are you to say there is no actual truth in any of it??? I wish it wasn't, but i can assure you it is all true thank you very much.

Can you imagine if someone had posted on here that their DH had read their personal emails? It would be all "leave the bastard"

[GoldShip]

She shouldn't have done it, YANBU

[Pippa6774]

I am surprised that if your DM was such a bad mother, that you would have known this long before you had children of your own.
Parents in the 60s/70s were different to parents today.Much less touchy feely and talking about love and emotions.I am sure your being bullied at school did a lot of the damage to your confidence and self esteem.Your mum was probably under a lot of strain with your DF working long hours
It is a real cliche that children in their 20s and 30s decide to blame everything wrong in their life on their mother.But it sounds as though she is doing a lot to help you now.It would have been so much better to discuiss your feelings withn your mother than slagging her off to your friends.

[trikken]

YANBU at all. thats awful. she should have just logged off.

[CouthyMowWearingOrange]

I can understand you felt these messages were private, but sending messages about your parents from one of your parents iPhones, and then forgetting to log out is basically like leaving your diary open on the dining room table and expecting them not to have a peek. It was not exactly ensuring you kept something private that YOU wanted kept private, was it?

And I DO understand what it's like to have a rubbish childhood, I really do, but I wouldn't send PM's on fb on my Mother's phone. I just wouldn't.

[mynewpassion]

Its FB. A couple of weeks ago, FB had a glitch where old PM conversations became public. Nothing is really private on facebook or on the internet.

[mynewpassion]

And, if your mother is such a bad mother, why expose your children to her by allowing her to babysit?

[GoSakuramachi]

Thats not what I said. Read it again and learn the word "subjective"

[OnwardBound]

yes Moomie I sometimes find that mothers and mother/child relationships are very idealised here on MN.

I guess that because most of us are mothers and have had mothers - and some of us don't like thinking about this too deeply because we may then have to face either our mothers' or our own inadequacies as a parent.

YANBU. Your mother sounds as if she has difficulty with boundaries tbh.

But this may be the opportunity to say your piece as to how she did/does make you feel. Just be aware that she might not be willing or able to hear what you need to say...

Then a professional counsellor might be of use, to be able to hear and bear the thoughts and feelings you need to express.

Best of luck moomie x

[parakeet]

If she is not a regular user of FB and other social media she perhaps didn't understand she was doing the equivalent of reading your mail. You left the phone logged in as yourself after all. The fact that she responded by messaging your friend to say how upset she was, suggests she didn't really know what she was doing on there. Obviously we all know that breaks all the normal FB protocol but it appears she doesn't.

One thing I don't understand is if she was such a terrible mother - never cuddling you or telling you she loved you, giving you such low self-esteem, making you feel a nuisance, making terrible hurtful remarks - why on earth would you choose her as a childcare provider?

[BeatTheClock]

Agree with mynewpassion.

[MoomieAndFreddie]

sorry i don't get it gosakuramachi maybe i am being thick? but i don't.

and i didn't WRITE the messages on my dads iphone

the messages with the stuff about DM in were WEEKS old so there had been dozens and dozens of messages from other people SINCE then so DM would have had to have really trawled through every message to read that particular one

the reason she has my DC is because she IS a good grandparent. she is nothing like how she was with me with my DC. it seems someone can be a shoddy mum yet still be a good grandparent.

[Soditall]

Moomieandfreddie I had a similar relationship with my mother just throw in some physical,mental and emotional abuse and not having material things I needed and that was my mother's relationship with me.

I know how you feel,I agree that now it's out there you'll have to talk to her.

Good luck,it's something I've never had the guts to do.

[Viviennemary]

I can see why somebody would be upset reading all this even if a lot of it is true. A lot of parents in the past and even today don't show a lot of physical affection for their children but it doesn't mean they didn't love them. And if your Mother is doing a lot of childcare for you I do think it's a bit off putting all this criticism on Facebook. It's a different thing if you confided in a friend one to one if you were upset at some of the things she did. But to put it on Facebook. No, that just simply isn't right. So in my view yes I'm afraid I do think YABU.

[birdofthenorth]

Yanbu, she was wrong to read it and especially wrong to message your friend.

Howver, you don't sound particularly grateful for her help with the childcare though. Whatever ever mistakes she made as a mum she sounds like an active caring grandparent. I think free grandparent care close by would be the one thing that would most enhance my life tbh.