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Never thought I'd be posting here :-( think marriage is over

(87 Posts)
OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 15:38:06

I've name changed, sorry but dh knows my mn name and I just need to have privacy.

Known my husband for 20 years and been together 9 years, married just over a year. We have 3 dc, eldest is my ds from prev relationship (12) youngest 2 are 4 and almost 1.

Background on this is issue to porn. I have had issues in past where I have been vulnerable and been assaulted. I've also had some bad relationships, the one prior to this ended due to my exh being addicted to over the counter painkillers. And the fact there were lies upon lies and emotionally and financially bankrupt me.

When I started dating dh I wasn't aware he accessed porn, porn is something I really feel uncomfortable with as it is often funding criminals and the girls and guys are often exploited and under age too. Anyway, when I found out and he saw how hurt I was (early in relationship) he said he wouldn't access it, and only had when single when living with his mates and it was a habit. Over the years I've occasionally asked and more recently after having dc as I've been very sure and our sex life had suffered, although between it was at times almost nightly too while ttc. I also was a bit embarrassed about my body, though I'm almost back to pre 1st baby size so confidence was back.

Re pen, ds1 got exposed to it aged 8 by a school friend which I never knew but a little while back (6 months iirc) he was on bits as all the kids in his school were accessing really hardcore porn and he was too. He was so upset and wanted to get images out of his head. I supported him of course and dh could see how upset he was and when I spoke to him about the effect on ds1 he said he agreed how bad it was. He also looked me straight in the eye and promised me he doesn't access it.

Yesterday I had our friend over and me, her and all dc went out and dh stayed home and cooked a lovely roast. Usually he would tidy up a bit too because he is thoughtful and helps. He's also a great dad. Anyway he didn't yesterday, and thre has been an atmosphere at times for a while, I just had this feeling in my gut something was off.

Anyway, I stupidly perhaps said to him that I knew what he had been up to yesterday. I know stupid :-( there was a silence and I had that sick feeling when you just know. So I don't know why but I said, I've known for ages, why don't you just tell me.

He did, he has been accessing porn every single night while I am feeding out baby, or asleep. I am so hurt. He has lied again and again to my face. I think he may have visited prostitutes but I don't know. The porn he likes are young women with not much up top so almost look like early puberty. I just feel so angry, disappointed, hurt, confused and I do not know what to do.

He offered to pack a bag and go, he doesn't want to but he knows my trust is broken. He lied and lied and married me and we have children. Ds2 has ASD and this will devastate him, the dc adore dh really adore him.

I don't want him near me sexually at all, it feels wrong. He gets off looking at such young women/girls and goes to sleep with those images in his head every night.

I don't want to hurt our dc and our whole IDE would change. Right now I am a SAHM and also registered carer for ds2. Mywhke family adore dh. I love him but I just don't trust him and I am utterly disgusted with him and hurt. I don't want to knee jerk react and upset the children by thinking of just my feelings. But I don't want dd and ds's growing up in a bitter loveless home which could happen.

What's ironic is that he was slating our friends husband saying he thinks he's playing away and how awful he is lying to his dw.

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 15:46:29

Sorry for typos, very upset sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 15:51:50

So do you take him up on the bag-packing offer? At times like this when emotions are running high I think it helps if everyone takes some time apart to think things through. It's not a knee-jerk reaction, it's a pretty sensible one. Everyone gets chance to consider their behaviour and reactions. He gets to experience everything he stands to lose. You get to work out if his ability to lie so comprehensively is something that you want to work around or if you'd rather go straight to divorce and save yourself more trouble. Sorry you've had such a nasty surprise

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 15:59:20

cogitto I have been moody stroppy and snappy, I've also been up every night with baby. I've picked up for ever this niggle that something isn't right. I guess my worry is that if he goes to stay with his mate, he will access more and have such a nice time away from me that he wouldn't want to try and change this. But then if that happens, do I want him?

I want to stick my head in the sand.

Eldest ds1 has heard us argue before and will not understand and will think I have pushed dh out :-( I've been pretty nagging at him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 16:02:56

Two wrongs don't make a right. Anyone can be moody and stroppy. Doesn't mean that their partner is entitled to spend years lying about what he gets up to in his spare time. If he goes away, you're right, he might feel it's OK to indulge his hobby more often... that's the risk you take. OTOH he could realise what an idiot he's been and decide to change. The only thing with a cast-iron guarantee is that if he stays he'll think you condone his behaviour and nothing whatsoever will change

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 16:12:21

I'm going to go for a walk, have a think

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 16:35:24

I agree that having some space apart is often a good thing when feelings are running high, but it's interesting that he offered to pack a bag and leave you with 3 children to look after, as opposed to offering you the chance of a break while he looked after the children. Difficult when you are feeding a baby of course, but I doubt that's the sole consideration behind his offer.

It might help to break this down into chunks. Very understandably, you're angry and sad about his porn use and his lies about it. Both might be deal-breakers for you in this relationship and I'd support you completely if they are.

But it might help to understand what's happened here by thinking through your partner's possible reasons for his behaviour. Clearly, if he has continued to use porn, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. But he doesn't want you to know that and so he lies. There was a clue to this in his behaviour towards your son. He didn't talk to your son about porn (at least in your hearing) and only after discussing the situation with you, 'agreed how bad it was'. If he had been on the same page as you about porn, his fathering in that situation would have been very different. He would have taken your son's shame away, while explaining why exposure to porn at a young age is so damaging - and tried to give your son some facts about porn. By the sounds of it, he left that to you and while hopefully he didn't contradict your parenting, did nothing in an active sense to reinforce the messages you were giving. It's often much more powerful education for boys if their father figure is the one to take the lead in this situation, but it sounds like your partner didn't take that opportunity - and he would have been hypocritical if he had, of course.

There was another thread about porn in recent days that explains this more. It's rarely enough for someone to say 'I don't look at porn' if their behaviour and attitudes don't support that statement.

It's not clear why you think he is paying women for sex though? While there might be a way forward with the problems of porn use and lying about it, but in a much more 'active' sense than what hitherto sounded like no more than an empty promise and your trust in a statement rather than supporting actions, there is rarely a way back from infidelity with prostituted women.

RandomMess Sun 07-Oct-12 16:42:48

How would you feel if agreed to get help to stop him accessing porn?

zippey Sun 07-Oct-12 17:23:22

On the positive side, he owned up to it, he didnt wait for you to find out. Also, cheating with a physical person is somewhat different to looking at porn.

On the flip side, it could be worrying that his interest lies in pre-pubescent girly porn. How do you know this, can I ask? And what makes you think he has used prostitutes?

I agree with cognito though, take a time-out to re-evaluate things, and see if you can both come to some sort of agreement. Done make snap judgements just now.

If he did go to his friends house, he wouldnt be having a nice time without you and the kids I can assure you. He will be devastated.

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 17:28:23

....but under-occupied, while his partner copes single-handedly with three children, one of whom is a baby.

I disagree that this man didn't wait for his partner to find out. He waited for her to voice her suspicions and didn't come to the table with a voluntary admission about what he'd been doing.

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 17:51:08

He did not come clean at all. Since found out that when I phoned him on Sunday last week ds1 answered phone and porn flashed up. Dh told ds1 not to tell me. The reason dh 'confessed' when I t

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 17:52:38

I told him knew was because he thought ds1 had told me.

Re prostitutes, he works away at times, just a paranoid susipision I expect.. hope

Not making any rash decis

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 17:53:12

Decisions. Sorry baby hitting phone:

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 17:57:09

If your husband has involved your son in his lies and simultaneously exposed him to more porn, this is much more serious. Bad enough to expose a child to porn, but even worse given your son's history.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 07-Oct-12 18:06:25

So sorry.

You do need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings.

However I am not sure how you can come back from the fact that your DH exposed your son to porn (especially after what has happened). I would have been LIVID sad I know that some agencies including the NSPCC consider the exposure of porn to children as child sex abuse. Your son must be even more confused and messed up sad

Do you want to tell us more about what makes you think he is paying for sex - has he been on escorts sites? Or is it simply because of the porn, his lying, selfishness and lack of respect for women?

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 18:20:03

Sorry popping back as I can and thank you for your posts.

No real 'reason' for prostitute susipision, just a gut feel which could just be because of the lying over porn and all that.

:-( re ds1 seeing porn. Ds1 said it was a bare breasted woman in leather pants, so low level I guess but I'm still very very angry. Ds1 is 12 so going through puberty and understanding more.

There is no yelling here, I'm being quite cheery around dc as had a good cry on the walk. Pretty sure I'll have more tears when they are asleep and I'm in bed away from dh

He has apologised and said he is so very sorry and that he shouldn't have lied and shouldnt have done it and he understands I'm upset and repeated offer of packing a bag so he ca avoid the shit maybe

I pointed out that he should be apologiaing to ds for exposing him to it as then asking him to lie... Well he said "I don't want mum to know about this".. Same fucking thing IMO

zippey Sun 07-Oct-12 18:47:32

He shouldnt have involved his son (your son) - whats almost as disturbing than your son seeing the porn is him telling your son to lie to you about it.

Not trying to give you reasons to leave - but that isnt good. But you need to have a good long chat about things. Exposing children to porn could be seen as child abuse so theres a good reason to stop.

AThingInYourLife Sun 07-Oct-12 18:57:25

He involved your son in lying to you.

That is despicable.

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 20:22:35

We sleep seperately as I have 2 youngest in with me. Baby still nursing and ds2 has ASD and isn't get able to sleep alone.

Dh has always fully encouraged this and is very pro cosleeping and bfing. He also works from very early..

I'm now thinking 'is this my fault?'

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 22:32:29

How can you be responsible for your husband's porn use and his lies? Any why would it occur to you that this is your fault? Has he said or implied that then?

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 22:44:48

I'm shattered. Had talk with dh. He feels utterly awful for putting ds1 in the position he did. He said that had ds1 not seen it, he would not of admitted to me what he had been doing. At least he's being honest about that.

He doesn't want to lose me and our little family is his world. He says he feels awful for lying to me for all this time and the worst being bringing ds1 into the mix. I suggested porn addiction as this has been going on for him for in excess of 20 years and he feels that he probably is but he doesn't know. He is worried he may be. He is trying to bloc/lock phone and I will have pass code but I have said I cannot parent him through this.

All evening/afternoon he's just been trying to get stuff done to help.

I dont know how I feel. If we have future. If it is an addiction then that is a health issue and he would need help.

However, if it is an addiction he can't address or resolve than I don't think there is a future sad

OhShitWhatToDo Sun 07-Oct-12 22:57:40

Bedtime too tired.

zippey Sun 07-Oct-12 23:57:45

You would notice an addiction - like a drug or alchohol addiction. I dont think it is in this situation, and many people use porn as a form of titillation - look at the Sun newspaper for example.

If he seems genuinly remorsful then maybe you should just forgive him. I dont think looking at porn is a big deal myself, but if children are exposed, thats a different matter. I would say give him another chance if he does seem very sorry. People make mistakes, and you could be doing without the hassle of a relationship breakdown at this point.

Id also say dont have his pass-code, treat him like an adult. It will only encourage him to sneak around.

Alittlestranger Mon 08-Oct-12 01:40:25

I think posters who have said he doesn't view it as a big deal are spot on. If my OH was upset by something I genuinely thought was OK I don't think I'd realise secretly carrying on was a deal breaker. I'm not convinced it's as sinister as you currently feel it is.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Oct-12 06:52:56

So he feels awful - probably because he got caught and is exposed for the lying twat he is.

I get the impression that he isn't committed to changing and that he thinks if he says sorry, help you with the chores and then all can go back to normal as soon as possible.

I am not sure he really gets it. The implications of what he has done. Its not an addiction - its a habit, its him being selfish and disrespectful.

You are right in saying that you can't monitor him 24/7.

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