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H just called me a 'fucking bastard cunt' and a 'mother fucking bitch' in front of DCs.

(28 Posts)
IAmNotAFuckingBastardCunt Sun 07-Oct-12 13:39:23

We have been having 'problems' for a while. Mainly because I have woken up from my stupor of anxiety and depression and realised than a lot of my self esteem issues stem from how he treats/disregards me. Life has been very difficult over the last few years for a variety of reasons and he has seen fit to blame me for all of them as if he has been straitjacketed and could do nothing about it. Truth is he has left everything to me (including decision making) because he has been too lazy to think for himself.

His uncle died this morning. He has seen this uncle a handful of times over the last 20 years although he only lives an hour away. Myself and the Dcs have only met him once. He was not at our wedding nor did he ever come to visit us. H has paid him the odd visit alone. He knew his uncle was ill but has'nt visited over the last few months as he has been 'too busy'.

H got the news at lunchtime. We had made plans to take the Dcs out for a rare treat after lunch. He decided that he immediately had to go to his uncle's family to pay his respects. I asked him to go this evening as there is 'no rush is there'. He went to visit family straight after work last night and did not come home until midnight after leaving at 8.00am. He normally works until 9/10pm anyway so I really wanted someone else here today to take the load off (4 Dcs).

He erupted that it is because I can't cope on my own that he had'nt been to visit his uncle before he died so blames me and called me those names because I have ruined his life hmm.

I am seriously thinking of double bolting the door and not letting him back in. Views please?

ineedamiracle Sun 07-Oct-12 13:45:21

Sounds awful. No advice, but thinking of you and your DC.

colditz Sun 07-Oct-12 13:50:07

Do it. Bolt the door and don't let him back in. If I had done thatvin the first instance I wouldn't have had to put up with years of crap.

If he starts kicking the door down, ring the police and tell them you locked him out because you were frightened, and please could they come before he gets through the door and beats you up.

HecateLarpo Sun 07-Oct-12 13:52:17

He was totally wrong to speak to you like that. Nobody has the right to use that sort of language to you.

re the death of his uncle, we are all guilty of not seeing people we should, of thinking ahh, there'll be time. I did it. With my great grandma. I'll go and see her next time. I'll go and see her next time. I loved her. But I thought there'd be a next time. Well, sadly there wasn't and I still feel guilty. Perhaps there is that. Perhaps he feels very guilty and angry with himself.

Also. This uncle is the brother of what? His mum? His dad? He may want to go there because they are devastated and he is rushing to see them.

Plus, people do feel that when a relative dies, there are all these things that are expected. you HAVE to go, you HAVE to do such and such.

However, none of this gives him any right to speak to you like that. You aren't his emotional punch bag. It sounds to me, and forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, that this sort of thing is just him. It's not something out of the blue that he's done in grief, it's simply another example of the way he always treats you. He wants to blame you for anything and everything.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to say that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who verbally abuses you and holds you responsible for everything that isn't perfect in his life.

Why the hell should you live with that?

Dryjuice25 Sun 07-Oct-12 13:57:44

TBH, he needed not call you those names but I definitely would have postponed the rare treat with the dcs knowing he is not reasonable under the best of circumstances and is least unlikely to be reasonable when bereaved

fiventhree Sun 07-Oct-12 14:04:49

Bolt that door!

IAmNotAFuckingBastardCunt Sun 07-Oct-12 14:11:30

Hecate his parents are not here. They are abroad. Actually I was incorrect the man is actually his grandfathers half brother's son so a 2nd cousin but they call them all uncles. He always gets upset when someone in his family dies (distant relatives) so I find it hard to cope with his lack of empathy to me and the hell I have been through mentally while keeping everything together of course. You are right, it is him. I have taken too long to figure out what a bastard he is to me.

I want him out of my life but I am afraid that I won't be able to cope. I feel like I am in a bloody prison I am desperate to escape from. I so desperately want to lock him out but I have not got the guts sad.

Mollydoggerson Sun 07-Oct-12 14:13:24

Colditz you have just advised a stranger to make an untrue statement to the police, which is in itself illegal.

OP, there is no excuse for your husband to have called you those names. None. Therefore I think you have grounds to text your husband and tell him you believe some space away from each other might be beneficial for your both at the moment.

I think you are downplaying your husbands grief and I dont think that is fair. He is entitled to be upset and angry (with himself) for not visiting or making the time. He is not entitled to be angry with you, because you both as a couple have a demanding life with 4 children. He seems to have missed the point that presumably it was a joint decision to have such a busy life.

HecateLarpo Sun 07-Oct-12 14:16:54

oh darling, you WILL be able to cope.

This man has done a real number on you sad

Don't you see that sometimes the person you think you can't cope without is the very person sapping the strength out of you that you need in order to cope without them?

you are stronger than you fear.

If he won't leave and you can't lock him out (there are legal issues around locking someone out of their home, if it's in joint names you will need legal advice on this) you can play the long game - assuming you are not in danger - a secret fund, legal advice, finding a rental. Plans in place, you know?

This is the hardest it's going to be. Just hold on to that. Imagine the person you could be without someone sucking the very life and soul out of you.

backjustforaminute Sun 07-Oct-12 14:17:19

Given the circumstances, I think that you were wrong to tell him when he should go to visit his family BUT he shouldn't have called you those names. There is never any excuse for language like that especially in front of the DC.

If you throw him out now there is a risk that you will appear as the bad guy. .

My not so dear H started off with the occasional "fuck off" or "shut your face" and a few years on, it has only ever escalated and has now become normal for us. We are in the process of splitting up. You cannot love someone who uses the vile language to you IME.

What I'm trying to say is, it's sometimes better to be cruel to be kind - pull him up on his behaviour now and maybe he will change, maybe not. IMO the worst would be to ignore it and not react, because if you let him get away with it once, once will become twice then three times, then before you know it that's how he speaks to you.

Do you think this was honestly a one off, or not?

squeakytoy Sun 07-Oct-12 14:18:26

Colditz is only suggesting that the OP call the police IF he turns violent, she has not suggested the OP lie at all. Surely that is a very reasonable suggestion.

HecateLarpo Sun 07-Oct-12 14:18:46

molly, if this was the only time the husband had been aggressive or name called, I would agree with you. But the OP is clear that this is how he always is. What are his excuses for all the other times and for his general treatment of her?

Sometimes, someone is just an arse.

backjustforaminute Sun 07-Oct-12 14:19:42

sorry x post

AnnieLobeseder Sun 07-Oct-12 14:19:48

This most recent incident aside, you don't want him in your life, so remove him. I realise it's not as simple as that, but you can do it. Thousands of women have coped before you and thousands will cope afterwards. Do you have good friends or family close by to turn to?

Mollydoggerson Sun 07-Oct-12 14:33:17

Sorry Coldits, I misread your post at first.

Whocansay Sun 07-Oct-12 14:36:10

Read the Red Flag thread.
Then bolt the door.

balotelli Sun 07-Oct-12 14:39:58

Bolt the door, change the locks, bag all his clothes in binliners and leave them by the front gate.

You are worth so much more than this piece of crap gives you credit for.

You say you have woken up to your problems all stemming from his treatment of you........ Now LEAVE THE BASTARD.

You wont regret it.

NeedaWee Sun 07-Oct-12 15:21:14

and you are still in the house because ......

if anyone uttered those words to me, the first time i would be out of that door like a shot, not even glancing back

if you put up with that crap, your kids will think thats the normal way a couple behave towards each other and the cycle continues into their relationships

shrugs, your choice

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Oct-12 15:32:53

"I want him out of my life but I am afraid that I won't be able to cope".

Your children are not coping with him either. He has also likely repeated to you on many occasions that you can't cope on your own and you have gone to believe him. He has trained you well hasn't he.

You will be able to manage better without him in your day to day lives but you're not coping now when he is home. You have finally woken up to the fact that he is the root cause of your anxiety and depression issues.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. The current role model they are seeing from the two of you is just setting them up for a lifetime of abusive relationships because they are learning from the two of you. This is not a legacy you yourself want to leave them. Also your children may well think that it is their fault that the two of you are not getting on and blame themselves.

The first step to break free of abuse is the hardest one to take, once you have taken that first step it will be easier. Womens Aid can and will help you here.

pictish Sun 07-Oct-12 15:40:32

Basically, blaming you for his laziness and selfishness in not going to see his relative before he died, is just despicable!

It tells me everything I want to know about him.

You never stopped him seeing whoever he wanted. He didn't go because he couldn't be bothered. That's the fact of it.

MadameDefarge Sun 07-Oct-12 16:26:18

oh fgs. you cant legally keep him from entering his own home. how many times does this fact have to be poin ted out? if you are going to give advice at leat make it bloomin' sensible. OP. no its not acceptable. and you know it. so what can you do practically? i suggest calling womans aid who can talk you through a plan of action. whether that is getting shot of him or imposing boundaries.

effingwotsits Sun 07-Oct-12 16:31:31

That is not true Madame. Using violence to secure enrty is an offence regardless of who the house belongs to.

MadameDefarge Sun 07-Oct-12 16:39:07

ahem. the OP will have commited an offence in denying him entry. if as you suggest he proceeds to gain entry then they have both committed an offence. if the OP i in fear of physical or other violence she needs to call the police now. lets not up the ante for her though.

colditz Sun 07-Oct-12 16:48:39

No I didn't. I advised her to call the police if he kicks the door, which is violent and threatening behavior. If someone was kicking my door, I would assume they wouldn't magically calm down when they got in. Experience tells me that if you call the police while someone is kicking tour door down, the.police come and tell them to sod off elsewhere or risk arrwat

colditz Sun 07-Oct-12 16:49:42

Arrest!

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