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can you spare some time to read , especially the end bit , i need help

(68 Posts)
amillionpieces Sat 06-Oct-12 23:46:49

before i go on i just want to say that although this post is really about negative stuff (wouldnt need to post otherwise) i am aware that that can give a false impression as you dont know me at all. dp and i do have a laugh at times , dp can be very giving , everyone that knows me says how much he loves me etc he genuinely seems to want to have a happy family but does struggle with things i think due to an abusive and not too great childhood.

anyway , we met when i was 17 , thats 20 years ago and i think i have lived a rather limited existence since then. We have 2 children 13 and 16.
i have been a sahm ever since , except for periods where i worked as a cleaner (just cash in hand , peoples houses) i never really had a decent job to go back to after the children and with having no childcare and dp working long unsociable hours i never found anything i could do. have applied for things with no success and the last few years had such problems with ds2 (currently being assessed for asd) that i have needed to be here before and after school so i have been at home.
i do feel a bit of a failure really and its also partly due to a huge loss of confidence in myself.

now , the problem, i cannot talk to anyone in RL i feel embarassed and i have been turning this over and over since yesterday.

dp and i had alot of sex (as you do) in the early days . when ds1 came along it was a huge shock to me. i was 19 , i felt out of my depth and very anxious. dp had (still has) a really really high sex drive. at the time an issue arose because i just wasnt up to sex and he was really narked. his response wasnt good , he lost his temper with it at times and did things like slamming door of bedroom and shouting waking the baby up . called me a bitch and generally creating a massive upset which completely made an issue of sex for me and seemed to put me off ever since.
we have had sex less and less over the last 10 years , i used to do it even when i didnt want to some of the time to keep him happy but eventually as i matured and his attitude with it put me off more and more i started to be practically unable to even manage that.
he once got really narked , and one morning wanked in a pair of my knickers and left them for me to find .
i was shocked and upset and although that was about 8 years ago i still thi nk of it now.
i have had times when i have had a couple of weeks of doing it but he always upsets me over something , theres an argument and i feel distanced from him again.

fast forward to now, ds2 is a major problem. i am heartbroke over him. he keeps having massive meltdowns , smashing my house up , problems at school . i find it really hard to cope.
dp works away , a couple of nights a week and i have found myself pleading that he doesnt do the nights away which stresses dp out and also we havent had sex for ages . we have loads of disputes about how to manage things etc etc and i dont feel very close to dp.

dp wakes me up at night wanking at the side of me which i hate .

whilst dp was away this week ds2 had a meltdown which resulted in me being exhausted , bruised and emotional . we had an appointment at camhs this week , they are looking into autism. but , as always (dont know why) dp chooses then to rake up the fact that we arent having sex and maybe we should just split up (said this loads and changed his mind) it seems that nothing would be a problem to him so long as there was sex.

i told him that because we arent getting on and probably because of things in the past i just dont want to . that he cant give me what i need either because hes always either working or gaming with headphones on.
an argument ensued and i ended up saying that all i could do then was have sex regardless of my feelings , if thats all he cares about , that ok , lets just do it when i feel crap.
he listed evrything that he thinks is crap about me . my cooking and alsorts.

3am the next morning and hes wanking at the side of me in bed . he finishes and nudges me awake. i asked him what was going on and he was looking at me really angrily and got my hand and said 'put your hand on my dick'
so with my hand there im asking why he would want me to , after what was said earlier , knowing how i feel . he said that thats what i said id do. i said i wouldnt really have expected that he'd want me to knowing I didnt want to also.
i jumped up saying i couldnt handle this it felt horrible and he said that what id said earlier was horrible. all confused and tears streaming i said well yes i did and kind of got hold of him again but he was being nasty and he was putting his hands down my pants even though i was crying.
i ended up leaping out of bed and saying no its all wrong . we argued and he left for work.

i got a text message soon after saying, sorry. i did mean to upset you but its backfired because now i feel like driving off a bridge.

i am so confused . if you have read all this i thank you wholeheartedly.

MakeHayNotStraw Sat 06-Oct-12 23:53:44

I didn't want to read and run - you sound like you are going through a really tough time (and your dp is...well...I know how you say how lovely he is, but I'm afraid groping you while you are crying and saying no is actually abuse, I'm sure someone will come with better advice than I could give). What support do you have irl? (You sound like you could do with a few hugs for starters).

LilQueenie Sat 06-Oct-12 23:54:03

Your not alone my DP acts like that. His attitude puts me off. He complains he can touch me on the leg or whatever without me getting defensive. You know what a cuddle is possible without the need for him to try copping a feel. He is a twat and Im sorry but so is yours. Sometimes I feel it better to leave him and his selfish behaviour. Do you realise this is abuse? The struggle is fighting it and having to constantly stand up for yourself. IS that what you feel? making him understand he is wrong when he is so pigheaded that he must always be right because he feels unwanted. Im so sorry you are dealing with this too. sad

PopOozeTheFastest Sat 06-Oct-12 23:56:49

Oh dear sad. I don't really know what to say but didn't want to read and run.

Your 'D'P sounds like a bit of a twat to me, if I'm being honest. He is certainly sexually abusive to you. Could you consider a trial seperation, to give you time to work out if you still want to be with this man?

AnastasiaSteele Sun 07-Oct-12 00:02:51

He has acted inappropriately and this is abusive.

It's not normal to crack one out like that next to you. We all like to masturbate. You either do it involving yout partner, ie for them to watch or you do it in private. Lying in bed and doing it next to you is not right, IMO.

Im sorry you are going through this sad

He is bullying you for sex. High sex drive or not, this is not ok. The last bit of your post was (understandably) rushed, but it sounds like he assaulted you. Is that how you feel about what happened?

Sex should be a mutual thing. His behaviour towards it has put you off. His behaviour. Not yours. You have explained to him how you feel and instead of him realising there is a problem he has reacted selfishly.

Now he is trying to make you feel guilty by saying about the bridge. But actually the only guilty party here is him.

Why do you mind him wanking though? I think you may need to explore your feelings towards sex in general. That is in no way me saying you are at fault btw. I just sense you may need to adress your own issues with this subject aswell as the relationship.

ChaosCatt Sun 07-Oct-12 00:03:45

Hello. I am so sorry for you, and angry too. I am in a very similar situation. I find that as soon as he is nice enough to get his way then something happens to upset me and i "run away" again. Horrid. If you cant leave sleep somewhere else if you can. You may at least get some thinking space. Otherwise, like I did today, you'll lose it, and then he'll end up looking wounded and in the right.

amillionpieces Sun 07-Oct-12 00:04:00

he asked me today if i thought i could ever get past what happened as he knows i seem to remember everything for a long time . i told him no.

i am stuck . i have no job , no where to move to and my name is not even on the mortgage here. so, he could sell the house and give me nothing despite living here for 20 years.

most of all i feel i cannot do it to ds2. he is on a knifes edge , been suicidal previously and its a big deal to him anyone splitting up ., he jsut wouldnt handle it.

we fell out last week because dp said that he would never see me as equal as i havent contributed financially. he backtracked on this days later saying he meant only financially equal but thats not how i read it.

irl , i ahve no one to talk to . my brother has emigrated , my bf has begun an affair with a married man and no longer seems to want to bother and i have given up asking my mum as she gets so upset, more upset than me and says she cant handle me having problems!

I dont think you can or should stay with this man. I understand that your ds2 might take it badly. But you cannot live like this.

AnastasiaSteele Sun 07-Oct-12 00:08:04

Off to Women's Aid you go. Find your local domestic abuse organisation and get their help. They will provide practical support and overcome your social isolation and financial barriers.

You might not feel ready for it, but when you are, that's what you ned to do.

LilQueenie Sun 07-Oct-12 00:09:20

Have you tried telling him straight that he is wrong? Does he ever insist it is ok? Some men believe they are in the right. Incidently was there any relationships he had before you?

amillionpieces Sun 07-Oct-12 00:09:41

i feel as anastasia says about the wanking .
i feel that i was able to stop the situation that was happening he wasnt holding me down or anything but he was messing with my head .

he once complained that i didnt give blowjobs , i said i was sorry i just really hated doing that and i dont think i should do something i hate. he still wanted me to do it. i didnt do it but was upset that he would happily recieve it knowing i was hating it!
and somehow after i said what i said i half expected he would come on to me regardless. i hoped not.
i did say today that it was abuse that had happened and he said it wasnt because i was doing it myself sort of thing.

amillionpieces Sun 07-Oct-12 00:12:36

he lived with someone before me but i dont know what happened .
he says i have damaged his confidence because i am always telling him how to behave. and yes i am always getting on at him for things like swearing in front of the kids , letting them watch movies above their age, he says i thinki i am whiter than white and because of hie upbringing he just cant be as good as i want him to be.
i am probably wrong on that. should not try to change someone i know.

AnastasiaSteele Sun 07-Oct-12 00:12:41

Turning it round on you is part of the abuse I'm afraid - anything to absolve responsibility.

I am so sorry this realisation has dawned on you but at the same time you sound switched on about recognising abuse, which means you are empowered more than you think. That's an important thing.

You need to speak to a solicitor.

I assume you are not married. But you have been together for 20 years. Im almost sure that classes you as common law partners which means you could be entitled to half the house.

You may not have contributed financially. But you have brought up the children which could be classed as contributing. Again, speak to a solicitor to double check.

Apart from all that, you can get your own place. There are benefits you can claim. Your partner would have to pay maintenance. You can get out. There are ways. You dont have to live like this.

AnastasiaSteele Sun 07-Oct-12 00:14:50

That's not trying to change someone, that's parenting together. Alot of people have to negotiate that.

Again, he's absolving responsibility. It's not him, it's his upbringing. Well that might explain it, but it doesn't excuse it.

How's your confidence? I hazard a guess he's whacked a hole in that over the years.

olgaga Sun 07-Oct-12 00:17:22

Have to go to bed now but I didn't want to without answering. I really feel for you. Your DP's behaviour is awful and abusive.

I suggest you telephone the Women's Aid helpline. You really don't have to put up with this. I wonder how much of this your son might he be aware of?

Please call and get help - your situation isn't that unusual, sadly - and they will understand.

The helpline is 0808 2000 247.

Asking your partner not to swear infront of the DCs and not let them watch inappropriate films is not trying to change someone.

Im so sorry. He is an utter twat. He is emotionally, sexually and financially abusing you. This is not in your head.

amillionpieces Sun 07-Oct-12 00:18:06

my confidence is really low but tbh i dont think thats down to him really. he does always compliment me and says i am more intelligent etc etc than he is.
i think he does love me but sometimes i wonder if ds2 does have asd then perhaps he does too and that why he thinks in strange ways.

AnastasiaSteele Sun 07-Oct-12 00:20:38

Have a think about the Women's Aid thing and figure things out. The opening post on the EA thread has some links - this might help you piece together the picture so you can figure out if you feel he is abusive.

amillionpieces Sun 07-Oct-12 00:21:14

thanks for the link olgaga.
are you sure its abuse and not just a ridiculously frustrated man ?
could it not be that i am too dependant , too bossy and too prudish|?

maybe i just dont know any different having been here since i was 17

my mother thinks the sun shines out his arse and he adores me

LilQueenie Sun 07-Oct-12 00:21:16

OMG sad same here op. Dp (why am I even calling him that) had one relationship before me and apparantly the sun shone out her arse. She dressed appropriately (18 and dressed like a great-grandmother in a nunnery!) never looked at other men and so on... He left her for me. The only good thing to come out of it was DD.

No. It is all down to him. The compliments are part of the abuse. He makes you doubt yourself by saying nice things inbetween all the shit.

FWIW you sound like a very intelligent person. A great mum too. You can get through this!

crackcrackcrak Sun 07-Oct-12 00:22:19

Wannabe - I imagine she objected to him wanking next to her for the same reasons I did with exp - becauses it's part of the bullying. Exp would ask to do it, then try and get me to rich him and bully me more and more - especially late at night when I wax always exhausted then use it as an excuse for a screaming row and so on.
Exp put me off sex just like in the op.
I didn't have issues around sex before my marriage - I had issues around sex specifically with exp. now I am separated my sex drive is back with a passion - funny that.

amillionpieces Sun 07-Oct-12 00:22:20

i do know i would have left though if not for the kids . i can see its crap.

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