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So fucking fed up (really long)

(53 Posts)
Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:23:49

I don't know if this should be posted here or in mental health but thought I'd give this a try first.

2 DC under 4
Partner depressed for years.
Refused to get treatment, got to the point where he was angry, abusive, physically violent, delusional, thought that the world was going to end and he quit his job and started to spend all our savings as money would soon be obsolete (!)
He was also paranoid and thought that he was being bugged, lost loads of our savings secretly on the stock market as he thought he knew how to play the markets and that he had the power to influence what happened with the shares.
Pretty fucked up.
After a lot of support on here, particularly because of the DV I left him. It was hard. No money, nowhere to live, had to stay in a b&b because there was no suitable accommodation and i wasn't officially homeless Etc etc
I also prosecuted him for the DV.
He finally got help. On ADs. Counselling for his fucked up abusive family history and what he did to me etc.
Started to let him see DC.
Months and months down the line he is a changed person: no longer aggressive, paranoid, violent. His whole outlook has changed because of the therapy and he's realised what a cunt he was and how fucked up his family have made him.
I've cautiously and gradually let him back into my life because I'm sure it was the MH problems that caused the aggression/anger/violence and that hasn't reappeared.
Instead he has gradually become lazier and lazier. He blames the drugs. Got the doctor to reduce his dose an has started to say he was never mentally ill, it was just me.
He has also started to show all the signs he had before, bar the aggression and violence. Lazy, no personal care, 16 hours a day on the computer 'running his business' which makes no fucking money.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant. (Please don't judge me). I do everything around the house. I pay everything, except the rent, which comes out of his savings. Do 90% of all childcare (children at nursery 2 days a week opposite my work, he has them one day) I work 25 hours a week packed into 3 days and I have no other interests.
I can't cope any more.

I'm fed up of giving all the time. I don't give a shit if he's depressed. I want him to sort himself out. I want my life back. I want to be happy. I want the kids to have the things they deserve and not a useless fucker who just emotionally bleeds me dry and gives nothing in return. I did love him.

I know he's made positive changes but it isn't enough. It isn't quick enough. I feel so alone as I've been looking after the children and caring for him too.

I've virtually missed all the joy of this pregnancy. I'm living in a new area but haven't been able to establish myself because he's always at home.
I'm scared what will happen when DC3 arrives.

He tells me I need to relax. I can't fucking relax because he doesn't do anything. If I'm around, I'm the default setting. I'm knackered.

Don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this. Just needed to get it off my chest.
How much longer should I give him? Wtf should I do?
I feel lost. I'm strong on the outside and empty on the inside. Nothing left.

If you managed to get through all that, thanks.

NicholasTeakozy Sat 06-Oct-12 19:32:17

You're his skivvy and it ain't going to get any better. Get out while you still have some of your sanity. Otherwise he will drag you down with him.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:33:25

I've just left him to put the kids to bed.
Am ignoring them.
My DD is crying for me but I just don't want to go up there.
I feel awful for doing it but I feel sick, have a headache and he's been on the computer for hours. I shouldn't punish my DC though, should I? sad

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 19:34:40

Boot him out NOW.

He's not changed. He's always been a cunt and he'll be one till the day he dies.

The violence/aggression/paranoia may have gone underground for a while but it won't be long until they re-emerge.

FGS get him out of your home now and this time round DON'T let him back in.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:35:50

I don't do anything for him any more. Don't wash his clothes, buy him anything, cook for him. He just doesn't care. His hygiene has gone down the drain. He barely showers once a week. Doesn't clean his teeth much. I don't know how the doctor couldn't see through it!

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 19:38:31

You dc have already been punished more than enough for having the misfortune to be born into violence and dysfunction. Go tend your dd and come back when she's settled.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:38:59

Izzy, do you really think it'll re-emerge? Even if his MH issues stay under control?
I have such a bundle of mixed emotions. Feel sad that he's like this now, sad about Dc3, sad for the DC, stupid for letting him back, scared what will happen, scared about money, scared I can't cope. It was so fucking hard last time.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:40:33

DC never witnessed DV. I'm not ignorant to think that they won't have picked up on things not being ok.
HV is due to visit next week (because we're new to the area) should I speak to her?

CremeEggThief Sat 06-Oct-12 19:45:40

His MH issues aren't under control though. The laziness and lack of self-care are symptoms of depression.

I know it must feel almost impossible for you and I sympathise, but please don't ignore these early warning signs and get out while you can and before it gets as bad as last time.
thanks

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 19:48:08

The doctor couldn't see through it? See through what? The same act you fell for when you 'cautiously and gradually' allowed the twunt you prosecuted for dv to move into your hard won new home and impregnate you?

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:48:14

You're right cremeeggthief of course they aren't under control if he's started to do all that again.
Feel like an idiot.
I work in bloody mental health too. This might be why I thought it'd be ok. What a joke.

janesnowdon1 Sat 06-Oct-12 19:49:22

Gosh OP you have so much to deal with. You are obviously a strong and compassionate woman. However - you are running on empty. You really need to put yourself first. My P is somewhat similar (his "business", delusions, losing money on SE etc but not the DV) and I have been told by my GP that I must put my partner's problems to one side and detach - stop worrying about him- I'm not his nurse and do what is best for myself and DC.

I think you need to ask your partner to leave (for now - if you can get him out) you will get Child tax credits, Housing benefit etc to help you through financially. You can still support him if you want - going to GP appointments etc but just not have him around all the time.

Whose idea was it to move location? My partner did this - new start etc but it just served to isolate me - I know no one here - it's a classic move.

Do you have any RL support? to draw on, can your GP/HV get a counsellor for you to talk to (or a womans centre).

If you want him to stay will he get help? e.g. have the GP reassess his AD's, get some more counselling, contact the CMHT, make some plans such as going for a walk each day, wash etc. Exercise is proven to help with delusion and depression.

Please get some RL help - it must be so hard being pregnant and having to deal with this. You cannot risk his symptoms escalating and the DV reappearing.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 19:50:02

Yep. Izzy. Harsh but fair. Can't argue with what you've written there. I stupidly thought because he admitted the DV and took the consequences and made a whole load of changes that he would get better.

CremeEggThief Sat 06-Oct-12 19:52:13

OP, try not to blame yourself. You gave him another chance and it hasn't worked out. Time to focus on you and DC now.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 20:01:53

Thanks, Jane. Do you live with your partner? It must be hard to detach from his problems.
I'll have a chat with the HV next week - she seems really nice. I know finances wont be easy but can be done. He's supposed to be reducing his AD dosage so he can try another AD but during the reduced dosage he's got worse (of course) and I suppose it will take a while for the others to kick in too.
Moving was my idea. I moved with the DC because where we were wasn't suitable - stuck in a city centre flat after he moved out.
I've wanted to move here for ages but haven't been able to afford to. Saved hard for deposit and got him to pay the rent (instead of maintenance or whatever). Feel like I haven't settled in properly yet though. No friends/family locally. Mum is quite a detached person, dad is dead and brother is miles away dealing with his own marriage break up so don't want to bother him. Best friend has just moved to the Far East.
I try and get him to go out every day by getting him to take the kids so I can 'tidy up' or whatever. Doesn't always work.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 20:02:35

Sorry for no paragraphs, on phone.

balia Sat 06-Oct-12 20:03:47

Don't beat yourself up for giving him a chance - just get out/get him out so that your kids don't suffer any further because of it. It's OK to be scared.

SomethingOnce Sat 06-Oct-12 20:05:08

You made the right call last time, and I'm sorry that your willingness to understand and forgive has landed you in such an awful situation.

Your partner has reduced his medication dosage and the symptoms seem to be coming back. Please, please don't wait to see if it gets as bad as it was before.

Make yourself and your children safe before your baby arrives.

NellyBluth Sat 06-Oct-12 20:05:21

I don't have any real life experience but I just wanted to say that you sound at the very end of your tether and it seems as though it is time to give up on this. You have your children to think about. You stood by him through everything before when it seemed as though MH issues/illness was causing the problems, but even if he is still ill now he is not willing to face it and to accept health. You have given this your best but it is now time to think about yourself and your children.

Hopefully someone here can give you some practical on advice on how to separate. Good luck.

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 20:06:49

You fell for it because you wanted to, honey. And you wanted to because you found it 'so fucking hard' coping on your own as a single parent.

2 dc under 4 and 28wks pg? You didn't allow that many months to elapse before you let him back in, did you? Certainly not enough to make a decision to have another dc with any degree of certainty that history wouldn't repeat itself.

You're 'strong on the outside'? Now you've got to work on being strong on the inside because you are going to have 3 dc looking to you to enable them to be all that can be.

Have you had any dealings with Women's Aid? Have you done the Freedom Programme? Have you looked to see if there is an active Gingerbread branch in your area?

The time you spend being run ragged by him will be better spent building up a network of like-minded friends that will enable you to embrace single parenthood and enjoy it to the full.

QuintessentialShadows Sat 06-Oct-12 20:08:54

You gave him a chance. It has not worked out. Move on.

You know you have to ask him to leave.

Are you scared he will turn violent again if you ask him to leave?

If so, you need to be prepared.

Dramajustfollowsme Sat 06-Oct-12 20:09:54

You sound exhausted. sad I have no advice to give but agree you should speak to the gp/hv.
Take care of yourself and your DCs.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 20:10:16

I'm pretty sure he'd leave if I asked him to and he's never not paid the rent for me even when things were at their worst (even when I prosecuted him!) as despite everything he has always tried to do right by the DC.

It's stuff like that which confuses me though. I can't comprehend that he can be decent enough to do that - even when I wasn't letting him see the kids - but he can't/won't sort himself out.
Are some people just broken?

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 20:12:47

Some people can't be fixed - if you're working in mental health you should know thta.

Nomoretetherleft Sat 06-Oct-12 20:16:14

I've been in contact with WA (they helped me leave) and have done the freedom programme too. Don't know what gingerbread is, so will look it up.
I'm not worried about him being violent really. He actually is different this time. It's more apathy and indifference, not anger and resentment.
He can't be arsed. Can be arsed with the DC in small doses and his stupid business but that's all.

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