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I don't recognise myself any more. He changed me & we weren't even "friends" apparently. What a waste :-(

(8 Posts)
puppyowner Sat 06-Oct-12 19:06:18

Feeling sorry for myself & in tears. Every day for 6 years he manipulated me, twisted what I said, took things out of context. He won't accept any responsibility for any of his words or actions.

Everything was my fault apparently. He told me not to ask if we could meet, always said if he could meet he would ask me. But when I became unexpectedly pregnant I asked him 3 days in a row if we could meet just for a catch-up. He declined every time. So I had to deal with 'things' on my own (Please don't shout at me, it was bad enough then, I'm raw & can't cope with anyone else having a go at me) Fast forward, he is now saying he never met me because I didn't give him the chance. He said he would make what would have been the birthday a nice day for me but he stood me up.

Over the last 3 months he has sent vindictive, threatening (non abusive) texts highlighting my many, many negatives. (Currently 18 - I talk rubbish, I jump to conclusions, I'm controlling, I see things that aren't there, I see everything as a personal attack etc)

He has said some really hurtful things & I am having counselling because of it.

I don't know why he did it to me. I thought he liked me. I don't get it. I didn't realise people like him existed & I have no idea how long I am going to hurt for or even why I am letting him hurt me now despite saying he doesn't want any contact from me again (unless it's on his terms).

Can anyone explain this at all please? I'm struggling to get my head around it. I don't recognise myself any more.

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 19:23:14

Before anyone can explain it, you need to give more context.

During this relationship 6 years duration, did you live together? Did you get to meet his family/friends? Did he meet yours and were you generally accepted as a couple?

If you didn't live with him at any time during the past 6 years, how often did you see him? Did you spend every festive season together, go away for weekends/holidays?

In other words what, if anything, made you believe you were in a committed relationship rather than being a convenience for him?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 19:28:42

So sorry for you. This man doesn't like you one bit, he's used you. I wonder if he's married? He's behaved as if he has a partner. The mystery is why he strung you along for six years but I guess some men are so deficient they will do this for as long as somebody lets them.

You say that you're in counselling. That's good - I think you should keep at it for as long as you need to. Talking through this situation so that you can work on never letting somebody treat you like this again.

I'm so sorry for your loss; I think you'll need to come to terms with that without this horrid man, he doesn't feel a loss - not of you or the baby - but he seems to be enjoying twisting the knife and causing you pain. He can only do that and have power over you for as long as you'll let him. Don't let him have control over you any longer - cut him off without a backward glance and don't ever contact him again.

Some wise advice will be forthcoming shortly. Take care of yourself, OP.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Oct-12 19:35:31

I think the reason why it got your head in such a spin is that you're a nice, honest person. When you tell people you like them you mean it. It's hard to get an honest brain round the existence of someone who "may smile, and smile, and be a villain" (Shakespeare - someone educated say which play please?!). If you google "gaslighting" you will see exactly what he's been doing to you, ie lying, twisting, confusing. And the reason is to exercise power over you. While you're trying to make sense of the senseless you are spending all your time thinking about him, what you may have done wrong, how to do better, how to please him, him, him. A nice man wouldn't do this to you. And yet he looked like a nice man.

So sorry about your pregnancy. You did what you had to do. Have you had any proper counselling as it obviously still hurts?

puppyowner Fri 26-Oct-12 15:19:20

Update.
I've made more of a fool of myself & now I wish I wasn't here any more.
He told me to leave him alone but I didn't sad I only asked him what he used to like about me so I could try & move on in a productive way.

I got nothing but abuse back. The voicemail on my phone is spiteful, blackmailing & brutal. He is so full of hate & I don't know why.

I let him use some photos of my property to promote his website & he has removed them at my request but now he's threatened to call the police because I contacted him & thanked him for doing so.

* izzy * He never introduced me to anyone other than a few work colleagues when I helped him out. He used me didn't he? I texted him once saying I was sitting behind his best mates car stuck in traffic (It was undeniably him...company logo, number plate & I'd seen him before from afar) & he was so anti that he told me many lies to fob me off that it wasn't actually him & I was off my head. The very first time he invited me to something he then cancelled 3 hours before the event started, fabricated some story about not being able to go but I saw him there with someone else. I just kept forgiving him & giving him the benefit of the doubt. He ended it in the same way...he asked me to a gig that took place this week but last week told me we weren't doing anything together any more & I'm no longer in his life. I only ever got invited to his when he had the house to himself. I used to joke that it was because of the way I look sad

* Annie * He did look so innocent, sweet, like he wouldn't hurt a fly. His smile even now would make me melt & that just makes me sound even more pathetic than I am already. Why did I thank him for removing my pictures? I am so thick.

* witch * I stupidly angry went against your advice & as a result I made things worse. I've gone backwards in healing & now my brain is buzzing with all the negative things he said I am.

My head's thumping, I'm struggling to breathe. Tell me this pain will go.

Abitwobblynow Fri 26-Oct-12 15:29:34

You poor love. Now is the time to take a deep breath, find a calming phrase (like 'you are a good person') to say over and over again, and think about plan 2.

The problem is, you are looking to him for validation. Look to yourself.

Find and read: Lundy Bancroft (who is an expert on abusive men, how they think and feel). Traumatic bonding, Stockholm syndrome.

How old are you? What did you do about the pregnancy? Are you OK?

You are NOT, and you are NEVER going to get his recognition or respect or love. You will ONLY get vicious abuse and contempt in turn. It is like touching a hot stove: eventually you will learn that instead of warmth you get burned.

You have to separate your identifity of yourself, from his cruelty and meanness. He targetted you and your vulnerability and he was charming and loving to get what he wanted. This is what you remember, but it was AN ACT.

You will get through this, you will live and learn. You sound very young, and you will survive with wisdom. Traumatic bonding is very similar to addiction. Only through learning to love and accept yourself, will you see him for what he truly is, and not with the huge power you are giving him right now.

Charbon Fri 26-Oct-12 15:34:48

I can't make any sense of this and I doubt others can either, because you haven't given us any context. Was this an exclusive relationship for example, did you or he deceive eachother that it was and was he the father of your child?

I'm very sorry you're hurting though, but for people to help you properly I think they need you to tell the whole story.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Oct-12 15:37:49

The pain will go once you detach yourself from this abusive man. You're not a fool, you're a victim of a controlling, manipulative bully. They often target people who are vulnerable in some way but they also enjoy taking a strong person and bringing them down, destroying their confidence. They are often likeable types because, if they showed their true colours Day 1, no-one would go near them. They do it because they are cruel, nasty people who are so inadequate that they have to make others feel bad in order to feel superior.

So you took a step backwards but tomorrow is a new day. Drop all contact, delete his numbers and then make a big effort to fill your time with as much activity as possible so that you don't have as much opportunity to dwell on the past. Do you have friends and family you can be with?

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