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Betraying trust - so upset

(18 Posts)
jenesaispas Sat 06-Oct-12 18:51:27

My Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple of months ago. Obviously I was very upset - the outlook is very hopeful though, so I am trying to stay positive.

He is a very private person and asked me not to tell anyone at all. I asked if I could tell my DH, and Dad said of course, as long as he wouldn't be tempted to tell people.

I was slightly nervous telling DH, as I know he finds it hard to keep secrets, but equally, I felt I couldn't avoid telling him as I was so upset.

Of course, you can guess what has happened - I have found out today (via a well-meaning friend asking how I was), that he has told at least 4 people, including his parents.

I am gutted that he could do this - I just feel so betrayed. I have managed to keep it from my best friends - why couldn't he?

Am I over-reacting? What should I do?

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 18:56:37

I think your DH should be apologising to your DP for betraying his trust.

That is truly a disgusting thing to do.
He should be ashamed of himself.

However if you knew he was bad at keeping secrets you should not have told him. Now you will know-and so will your DH that you wull never be able to tell him anything again in secret.

I feel so sorry for your DP. I hope he is keeping well

JeuxDEnfants Sat 06-Oct-12 18:58:04

He should apologise.

AThingInYourLife Sat 06-Oct-12 19:00:03

You are not overreacting.

What a shitty thing to do - treat someone else's illness as gossip.

jenesaispas Sat 06-Oct-12 19:24:06

Thanks for your advice.

I haven't told my parents yet. It's probably better if I don't - I'm not sure the relationship with DH would survive.

An apology to me would be a good start, rather than making me think I'm making a fuss about nothing....

SomethingOnce Sat 06-Oct-12 19:42:19

He's shown a lack of respect for your DF's wish for privacy and for your trust in him as your DH, upsetting you at what is already a difficult time.

He has no right to make you feel your reaction is unreasonable.

Donkeysdontridebicycles Sat 06-Oct-12 19:59:44

Very sorry you have to deal with this when you'll be so worried about your Dad.

Your DH is possibly feeling embarrassed at being caught out as a blabbermouth so is trying to minimise your upset to make himself feel better. State your case quietly that he's let you down big time at a time you could really use his support. Emotions will be running high and I totally get how betrayed and upset you feel sad but please try not to expend any more emotional energy trying to get an apology from DH. He's been an arse and I hope he steps up.

Fwiw I don't blame you for risking offloading to him in a crisis. Your Dad has the right to try and control something like telling people. I do think it would be very hard on you not to share with someone. Would you consider an organisation like Macmillan for support and advice? Keep posting here too there is heartfelt support.

jenesaispas Sun 07-Oct-12 08:33:08

Still no apology in words, but he has done a couple of things to help that he wouldn't normally bother with, so I think he may be feeling bad. Anyway, saying the word 'sorry' isn't really going to help now - it's a bit late for that.

Thanks again - it's good to know I am not being unreasonable, and thanks for your advice.

RobynRidingHood Sun 07-Oct-12 08:37:16

You shared your burden with him. By doing so you passed the burden. Therefore he shares with his parents because he's worried about you.

Families should pull together, not keep secrets.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 08:38:21

I think your DF knew the same as you did that your DH would tell others. Despite what he said, by giving you permission to pass it on, I don't think he wanted it kept secret in other words.

AThingInYourLife Sun 07-Oct-12 09:30:00

Families should respect each other's privacy, not blab about people's medical conditions to all and sundry.

What a surprise to hear that he's another of those men who doesn't bother to "help" his wife. hmm

anonacfr Sun 07-Oct-12 23:10:33

Cogito and Robyn really?
The OP's father must have realised that the OP had to tell her husband. However he specifically mentioned he didn't want anyone else knowing.
It was his stated choice. The OP's husband is an adult not a five year old child.

This is not just a little piece of gossip (concerned friend on the phone, lovely). He shouldn't have said anything.
I mean he must have happily volunteered the info. Not on at all.

OP I hope you are OK and things go well for your father.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 09:22:40

Personally, I think the only way to keep something truly secret is to tell no-one at all. Once it's shared with someone else and they're allowed to share it with someone else it is de facto no longer a secret and the OP's DF would have understood that.

I also have another perspective which is that sometimes people in this situation can simply be wrong. My own DF suffers with Parkinsons. Initially, he also wanted to keep the information private. He found the condition embarrassing, depressing and, as he's very uncomfortable talking about personal matters at the best of times, he didn't want to bore anyone with his ailments. Of course, with Parkinsons, the physical symptoms eventually make secrecy impossible and, as time has gone on, he's found the support he gets - occasionally from total strangers - has been helpful and he is much less depressed. The OP's DF may come to realise that the DH has done him a favour.

AThingInYourLife Mon 08-Oct-12 09:27:47

The DH hasn't "done him a favour", he has betrayed a confidence.

Gossiping about a family member's medical problem when you know they don't want it to be public knowledge is shitty behaviour.

clam Mon 08-Oct-12 09:30:49

"Gossiping about a family member's medical problem when you know they don't want it to be public knowledge is shitty behaviour."

Particularly when they then try to make out you're over-reacting when you object.

anonacfr Mon 08-Oct-12 12:19:08

Cogito in this case the OP's father has barely found out himself.

there's a difference between sharing bad news with his wife and daughter and then finding out that his daughter's friends, ILs etc all know about it.

There's plenty of time to tell more people later on if he choses to do so. It's not up to anyone else to make that decision for him.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 08-Oct-12 12:26:28

You said yourself that he finds it hard to keep a secret OP, some people are just like this.

If someone tells me a secret to be fair I sometimes tell someone totally unrelated to the situation about it to unburden myself.

Who else has he told apart from his parents? Do you all meet up regularly?

I'd be a bit cross with him but I don't think it's something to put him in the stocks about leave the bastard for.

anonacfr Mon 08-Oct-12 18:52:57

This isn't just a little secret though.

He's already told his parents as well as some of the OP's friends. In her shoes I would be mortified if a concerned friend called me asking how I was coping. Which is precisely what happened to the OP.

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