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is he a commitment phobe? or maybe its just me?

(9 Posts)
emilysheart Sat 06-Oct-12 16:28:14

been with my ex on an off for nearly 3 years he ended it last week. we get on good when we r together an everything was going really well until 2 weeks ago he had been working away in the week an went to his friends until late on the friday lwaving not much time for us to be together making me feel like im not a priority to him i did over react abit so since then he has been backing off even more which just compounds my fears that he has got more important things to do an doesnt want to spend time with me. we have talked about living together in the future and kids, i have 1 already who he is great with. i feel like i need abit more commitment and stabilty for me and my ds after nearly 3 yrs is this too much ask? he wants to do what suits him with no regard for our family time an i feel like abit on the side. i know my insecurities must be hard to deal with but after 1 week of it not being right he ends it- dont know what to do just leaving it for now had no contact for 3 days just sad when we can be so good together. i would never stop him enjoying his hobbies just feel its time for us to come first. flitting between contacting an trying to sort it or accept the fact maybe we want different things? really hurt and confused

Jazzicatz Sat 06-Oct-12 16:47:22

It sounds as if he just isn't that into you!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 16:54:54

There's nothing for you to do. He's ended it, it's over. Don't contact him again. He's done you a great favour actually. He doesn't see you as a family even though that's what you want, and he's been wasting your time - and you've allowed him to do that. You've brushed away the doubts that you've had even though, from what you've posted, it's obvious that he's been telling you in his actions that he doesn't want the same thing.

You're free to find somebody else who does want what you want. Find them, and take it slowly to see if they're a good fit for YOU nevermind your child.

Sorry for your broken heart, but it WILL mend. smile

emilysheart Sat 06-Oct-12 17:08:23

up until a couple of weeks ago everything was good and we were doing things as a family,he even told me he wants us to b a family! i was a cow to him i have got my own issues but guess if he really loved me he wouldnt just walk when things get abit difficult. we have been friends a long time aswel which makes it harder. this has happened before like as soon as i start expecting anything he runs thats why im thinking maybe genuine case of commitment phobia hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 17:24:44

No, he's not commitment phobic, emily, he doesn't want to make a commitment to you and I know that hurts, I'm sorry. If you keep telling yourself that you 'were a cow to him' and that's why or in any way think that he is a 'genuine commitment phobe', you are kidding yourself.

I don't believe that things go from 'good' and 'doing things as a family' to a sudden and abrupt end without a reason (none of which were you). I think maybe he has met somebody else or he has come to a decision that he doesn't want to continue a relationship with you. Either way, it's over and you should let him go.

He's been your 'ex' once, he's had all this time to make a commitment to you - and hasn't. That should tell you all you need to know. Presumably he knows how you feel about him, your relationship - well, he doesn't feel the same.

emilysheart Sat 06-Oct-12 17:47:32

thanks the truth does hurt. the more i think about it i realise ive wasted my time. so many mixed messages all the time tho why put me and my ds through that? there must be reasons an i can take my part of the blame, i dont think ther is anyone else he is just selfish. im still not ruling out commitment phobia ive read abit about it an the symptoms do seem to fit but either way i cant keep puting myself thru it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 18:05:58

emily... He's wasted your precious time - don't YOU continue to waste it by trying to diagnose him. This will also hurt you but his next girlfriend may be the one that he wants to commit to fully. Nobody is really a commitment phobe. When they really want to commit, they do. Any 'research' to the contrary is just unhelpful and stops people from moving on.

Don't put yourself and your DS through it anymore - and don't allow future partners to give you mixed messages either.

You talk of blame but what's the point? What's done is done - and he has ended it. He's entitled to do that as were you. You chose not to, but he did. Whatever his reasons, they are sufficient. It's over.

There will be somebody else out there for you. Really. In the meantime, give yourself some time and space to put this one behind you, and firmly out of your mind. Don't let him play 'games' with you anymore as it's not just you that you have to consider but your DS also. Enough is enough.

emilysheart Sat 06-Oct-12 19:09:19

thanks x at first he said just have a break rather than split but i said no to me that is just prolonging the pain its happened before a couple of times i feel so stupid because its happened before i told him then this would be the last time for sure and im determined to stick to that now. told him i dont want to be friends either because thats how it always starts and that is just me settling for less than i want so no point

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 19:18:49

emily... I really feel for you. This guy will string you along for as long as you'll let him. I've had a boyfriend do this in the past. I kept letting him do it until the last time - he broke it off, I didn't contact him, go on with my life and six months later when he deigned to ring me I told him I wasn't interested and not to ring again - and put the phone down.

You can do this. You have your son and and awesome resposibility to let him know how a man should treat a woman. You're the most important person in your son's life and everything you do will form the blueprint of what he'll be as he grows. You're loving and giving, that's obvious - just hold something of yourself back and most of all, keep a tight grip on your self esteem. This man's opinion of you is no measure at all of your worth, just remember that. xx

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