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Nobody believes me

(44 Posts)
MissMemoo Sat 06-Oct-12 15:08:52

I have written about ex h several times under a different name and have had some brilliant advice.

Dh abused me in many different ways throughout our marriage and I recently found the courage to split up with him.

I've told a few close family members about the abuse but not one of them believes me! H is very charming and charismatic and they jyst don't believe he would hurt me.

My sister lives abroad and has just flown over to the UK for a few weeks and she is so angry with me for 'lying' that she isn't coming to see me at all.

I needed support from them more than ever but Ive found myself in a situation where I have nobody.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 06-Oct-12 15:17:21

That is awful! I can't help but feel that they are projecting their guilt that they didn't stop it or do anything onto you.

Really, you don't need them to believe you, you can get RL help and support without them. It sounds like you need a fresh start- have your work been supportive?

MissMemoo Sat 06-Oct-12 15:23:38

Nobody at all is being supportive. I have nobody at all, which is probably my own fault for neglecting friendships over the years. I don't work, I've been a sahm for several years.

MissMemoo Sat 06-Oct-12 15:24:37

I don't think they feel guilty. I think they all genuinely hate me at the moment.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 06-Oct-12 15:38:03

The way they feel is a total mystery, I can't understand such cruelty.

Are there any support networks for women like you in your area? Could you get more involved in your kids schools to give you a new focus and a place to channel positive energy?

thundernlightning Sat 06-Oct-12 15:39:05

I'm here and I believe you.
I grew up in an abusive home. I think few understand how awful it is and how hard people work to appear normal in those situations. You know what happened better than anyone. Keep posting, you'll get support here.

Whocansay Sat 06-Oct-12 15:54:54

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You must feel very alone. If your family are behaving in such a way, perhaps distancing yourself from them would be best? Who would want to hear that their family is supporting their abuser? Your sister's response is disgusting.

There are people on here who are far better equipped than me to give you advice. I just didn't want to read and run.

All the best OP. I believe you.

myroomisatip Sat 06-Oct-12 15:55:34

I believe you. Everybody thinks my STBXH is so charming and clever and he would do anything to help anybody! Huh! I am so sorry that they are not supporting you...

freemanbatch Sat 06-Oct-12 16:17:16

I believe you smile

I had much the same when I split with ex two months ago, by brother text him saying he thought he was a lovely guy and he was sorry I'd kicked him out and couldn't believe I would do that to him, My mum keeps asking when I'm taking him back and my sister says because I didn't say anything before it can't have been that bad.

The thing you realise though is you know what happened and what other people think really doesn't matter, if they turn their back then they weren't worth having around to begin with. the group around you may shrink but what you will be left with is true and amazing friends who you really can rely on smile

dondon33 Sat 06-Oct-12 16:54:15

I believe you too Miss
I've been where you are (I'm sure I've posted on various threads) no-one in my family believed me about exH. They thought I was crazy for splitting with him and made their opinions clear. I went through hell as he continued to ruin me after the split too, So I stopped speaking to most of them because of it. It hurt me so deeply that they didn't believe me, all because I'd purposely kept them out of the madness, lying and making up stories of how I had "this bruise" or "that cut" or why I was so depressed.
I had RL friends but got counselling too, which helped, but at the end of the day I KNOW what happened and I KNOW the truth I speak with some of my family now but it's very strained, especially with my mum, our relationship will never be the same again and that's sad...... but no matter what I'm happy that I got away from the bastard.

Please miss distance yourself, for the moment, it will do more harm than good to listen to their support for him. Find a counsellor, speak with you GP, keep coming here. What about an old friend- could you get back in touch with someone who'd be willing to meet up for a coffee.
Take care of yourself and never doubt that your decision was the right one, no matter what anyone else tells you xxx

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 06-Oct-12 16:58:10

My exH's family chose to have nothing to do with me or our son when he fecked off either. They blame(d) me for ... um ... what, physically emptying our bank accounts into his and putting him on that plane to Thailand??

It bloody hurts, but not forever. An abuser will show his true colours again with his next victim and in the end he will run out of excuses and end up a sad lonely old git. As for your fasmily not 'believing you' well, my father said to 'no wonder your husband left you'. I have no contact with any of them now. Bliss.

It's a tough road certainly. But you come out of it with a lot of benefits. The phoenix rises. Self-esteem returns. You can walk with a higher head and, if you have children, keep them away from the lot of em so they don't pick up their nasty self-serving shallow ways.

LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 17:06:53

I believe you. My x was the same, butter wouldn't have melted in his suited booted fine upstanding clean-shaven blue chip company employee mouth. He was so plausible to everybody else.

Like UA, it was his family that thought the worst of me, and over time that matters less and less. It doesn't matter at all now. I have no contact with my x's family either. And when x's father sent me a christmas card to reprimand me for having moved house without telling him, I wrote out a letter saying 'from the tone of your card I think you are unaware that your son contributes nothing...' and then, I couldn't even be bothered to send it!

You'll have to get support here. I have also posted here under numerous names and people like mathanxiety and anniegetyourgun and many others gave me the support and the clarity I needed. And strategies for staying sane! and dealing with the x.

It was all five plus years ago now . UA is right. The phoenix will rise. It will all cease to matter so much and your self-esteem will recover.

It takes more than just time though. I've had counselling, psychotherapy, I've read a good few self help books. I've read umpteen threads on mumsnet and gained wisdom and contributed experiences.

LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 17:11:51

Missmeemoo, just remember, even if your x were a plaster saint, you are not obliged to have a relationship with anybody if you don't want that. If your family don't acknowledge that, then they are the ones who are being unreasonable. You are entitled to leave a relationship that made you unhappy.

Next time it comes up in conversation, if you feel the need to justify yourself and defend yourself, make statements that can't be argued with, eg 'i felt very unhappy. I feel happier now'.

I bet you have thousands of stories of his unreasonable behaviour that you willl need to get off your chest, and come and do that here. When talking to your family, if they can't sympathise with you just put it in certain terms that can't be disputed. The relationship made you miserable. Stop there, don't explain WHY it made you miserable. you are the judge of what made you unhappy and you are entitled to end a relationship that made you feel unhappy

Heleninahandcart Sat 06-Oct-12 18:20:43

I believe you too. Those who don't believe it usually have their own ishoos which means they don't want to face the truth. No matter, it would have been good to have their support but you don't need their permission or their judgement. You know what happened, you know your reasons and if they don't want to believe it then it is their shame.

You have MN, you will also gather new friends in time who are worthy of you.

struwelpeter Sat 06-Oct-12 18:29:05

It is really hard when the people you want to believe you and wish would help you turn their backs.
If you can find a Freedom Programme or similar DA support group in your area. Sitting and talking with other people who without explanation simply 'get' what you are talking about is empowering and healing. And talking on here helps too. There are sadly many people on MN who know about abuse and can hold you hand as you deal with untangling the mess that abuse causes.

Teansympathy Sat 06-Oct-12 18:41:31

I beleive you and admire the guts and courage to finally leave the *****!that has done this to you, it happened to someone very close to me they covered it up for years and when it came out the family did not beleive them, so sorry you have to go through this i hope you have a close friend who will support you at this awful time for you, but do not give up, you can not go through life living a lie maybe one day the truth will become apparent to your family, BUT meantime you just concentrate on building a new life for you free of it all hope you get counselling , big hug to you .

RockinD Sat 06-Oct-12 19:38:32

I believe you OP.

When I split with my abusive XH, I told only one person about the level of abuse I had suffered, emotional and physical. She was incensed and went straight to tackle XH about it. He denied it all and told her I was mentally ill. She has not spoken to me since. I thought she was a good friend.

You will get through this.

MissMemoo Sat 06-Oct-12 19:59:32

Thanks all. I appreciate your words hugely. You have no idea what it means to me to know I have you guys.

I've suffered terribly with depression and anxiety and now believe the way I was treated by my x had a huge impact on my mental health. He too is using it against me. My family actually think I'm ill again when in reality I feel better than I have done in years. My confidence and self esteem is increasing every day.

I wish I hadn't hid the abuse now. I only did it because I didn't want to worry them. It's just do hard to lose my family at a time when I need support more than ever.

I really want to say out loud what he did, not sure why, but I just need to. But there is nobody.

I feel rather unloveable at the moment.

takeitaway Sat 06-Oct-12 20:05:31

Hi MM, so sorry for you having to deal with this.

Just wondered if you've tried speaking to Women's Aid at all yet? It might be a good way to get it all off your chest, speaking to people who will believe you and not judge.

MissMemoo Sat 06-Oct-12 20:44:55

I have spoken to women's aid and got a lot of good advice about legal stuff but when I tried to talk about the abuse I became overwhelm with anxiety and had to end the call. I have tried them again since but haven't managed to get through.

Heleninahandcart Sat 06-Oct-12 20:56:00

Memoo when I told people I wanted to leave abusive ex, many friends and my GP suggested that might be because I was depressed. He was, after all such a 'nice' man. I went on ADs. Months later, when I was feeling better the GP asked if I now felt differently about everything, including my relationship. I agreed I did. The ADs had made a difference, they helped me to feel like my self enough to kick the fucker out.

You sound lovely, it is understandable why you would want their support but you will be ok.

Heleninahandcart Sat 06-Oct-12 20:58:33

Crossed posts MM, do try WA again maybe during the week? I suspect weekends may be busy for them.

LizLemon007 Sat 06-Oct-12 21:34:54

I did that too. I colluded with him in keeping his horrendous behaviour to me a secret.

They are so text books these guys. I was told I was 'mental'. I was bullied into taking anti-depressants. So that he could remind me all the time how unhinged I was. I was not depressed actually because I could enjoy things when he wasn't around. Only when I heard his key in the door was I depressed. Turns out the anti depressants gave me the courage to leave though. They just lifted me, bolstered me a tiny bit. I know it was me that left though.

MissM, are you on facebook? search for mind body green. They have great articles every day which are really good for 'people like us'. I read them. Positive affirmations. Articles on how to get to know yourself. Lots of really helpful stuff. I just take five minutes a day to read the articles.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Oct-12 21:41:03

It often takes a crisis to show people up for who they really are. In the case of your family, it unfortunately sounds like they are extremely disloyal. I doubt this is the first time they have let you down in your life. Maybe they're the type that think women should 'work' at marriages i.e. put up with abuse? Maybe there's a history of not taking you seriously? I wouldn't be surprised if you've suspected this reaction and it's why you felt reluctant to talk to them earlier and why you tolerated the situation you were in for as long as you did.

Now that you've had the courage to split from your ex husband, you need to match that with the courage to go it alone, independent of your family's opinion. Talk to Womens Aid, talk to a solicitor, make new friends or hook back up with old ones that do take you seriously. Your ex won't be able to keep up his act for ever. One day he will inflict the same abuse on some other poor woman, your family will find out and they will be sorry they doubted you..

Good luck

dondon33 Sat 06-Oct-12 21:50:07

You are loveable miss, don't doubt that. You will get through this, you will find the strength, with or without your family.

Please look into counselling, It personally helped me lots, so much so I was eventually able to stop taking the huge doses of AD's (that I'd been taking, morning and night, for the last 10 yrs of my relationship with ExH)
It wasn't immediate but just talking to someone trained to deal with my madness situation.

Another thing I've found helped me in the past is using the Samaritans online service....they don't reply immediately, usually within a few hours, but it can feel good to get everything down in words and off your chest. Give it a try.

Take care xx

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