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Am I over-reacting to explicit messages. DH seems to think I am. (really long)

(115 Posts)
Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 10:20:30

I'm sorry, I've tried to cut this down so I don't drip feed but this is as brief as I can do it! In short, have found messages to a mutual friend of ours where DH was really bad-mouthing me, then being sexually explicit.

We've had a tough year. I had a very hard pregnancy, in hospital a lot, poorly baby, DD1 starting school, and medical problems for me that limit a lot of movement. I have a large bowel hernia that is in urgent need of repair and am waiting for an operation date. I will need an op that will put me flat on my back for a month, unable to even lift my baby or I will end up back in hosptial for longer for a worse op according to my consultant. Our house is a tip which I hate but some days I can't even push the hoover round. I'm miserable as I dislike living in a dump. DH is really messy, drops clothes where he takes them off, leaves dirty things in the kitchen and expects me to clean up after him, moans when I ask him to take rubbish out (and then doesn't do it, leaving black bags to fester in the kitchen for days - which means I either live with a smell, or do it myself and end up in pain for a few days). I don't feel like having sex a lot, although I still go down on him and it's never returned. We don't have much physical intimacy beyond that. I know he works, and he works damn hard for which I am always telling him how grateful I am. I have never stopped him going out with mates or whatever he wants to do.

I used the computer, and found up on the screen messages going back months up until recently complaining about me. Not one positive thing was said. He said I'm always angry and aggressive, he can't talk to me, he's expected to look after the kids all the time, I can't cope with 2 kids etc. That I need help but I'm being controlling and refused to give him my HV number so he could chase them up (I don't recall being asked for it ever and even if I refused surely he could have got it another way if he was that worried?). He doesn't know how he's going to cope after my op it's just yet more being piled on him. He complained to her he had to use a condom when we had sex. He told her the orgasm he had thinking about her was the best one he'd had for months, and detailed what he wanted to do to her. Calling her a nickname really close to the one he uses for me. I found porn of women being anally abused. I wasn't even snooping around our PC, they were on favorites and bookmarked! He wants to take her out to dinner, just the 2 of them and complained about having to take me out because I wanted to go and he was tired.

He does his share of nightshift when he sleeps on the sofa and DD2 sleeps in the cot downstairs, but in his message he's told her he's not allowed back in our bed and stays on the sofa every night. I can cope with 2 kids just fine, I CAN'T cope with 2 kids, him being a 3rd child, cleaning house AND being in pain all the time. I have no social life because of this. I never get out. I shouldn't even be carrying washing upstairs (doctors orders) but I do anyway because who else will? I don't expect him to look after the kids, I try to insist he doesn't because I know when he gets home he just wants to relax. He ALWAYS argues that he wants to, that he's missed them.

If you're with me so far, thank you.

I spoke to her, she said she had felt really uncomfortable in the conversation and tried to steer it away, laugh it off - which I could see from the messages - but he hadn't taken the hint. She is a very meek person and would not have been able to tell him to pack it in. She said she felt awful but didn't know how to tell me. I believe her.

He denied it up until I named her, and some details. He said sorry, didn't admit to it because it was ages ago, didn't think it was relevent, told me he's been a twat that he loves me and was just blowing off steam. I told him to go read those messages and imagine it was me saying them to another man. He did come back looking teary and told me he was an idiot and could see how it could be read but he didn't mean it that way. I spoke to him about the porn (quoted some stuff I'd read on the feminist section on here about girls in porn) and he says he feels sick at that and won't use it again.

NOW SO AS NOT TO DRIP FEED - yes there's more. Sorry!

This is the 2nd time I've caught a conversation of this type, the first time was with a girl in the states he met online just before DD1 was born. Trying to get her to send him pics which she wouldn't. I told him if he behaved this way again he should just leave. He said he was sorry, that he was being a twat. Before I had DD2, and was very ill, he would make comments about beautiful actresses on television, google them with me in the room and show me these girls. I confronted his nasty behaviour, he said he was sorry, that he was being a twat.

I don't know where to go from here. I told him to apologise to my friend and she says he has and seemed sincere, but he sincerely apologised to me 4 years ago too. We've been together nearly 20 years, he's an amazing dad and used to be so loving. These messages he's sent are so 2 faced though, contradicting everything he's told me. I understand this year has been hard on him too, he's had a lot going on at work as well as at home. He's always insisted that he adores me, that I'm beautiful and attractive even when I feel fat and my hernia is blown up. How could he suddenly decide all the things he does are demanded of him? Even when I try to get him to go out with friends he says no. He says he feels like he should stay in and help out, but when I try so hard to keep him happy and he point blank refuses to take time for himself, I don't see how his resulting annoyance at not getting me time is my fault!

He's trying to kiss and hug me and hold my hand, and seems very put out that I won't just accept an apology. I do in front of the girls but I just don't want him kissing me again yet. And his message to her about being made to sleep on the sofa is now true. Am I wrong? Should I just go with it and see what happens again?

PrincessSymbian Sat 06-Oct-12 14:07:51

For the love of God, book the hotel room, leave him with the girls for tonight and go and start thinking about all the things that you DESERVE that you are not getting. And get the haircut and clothes as well!

Proudnscary Sat 06-Oct-12 14:56:37

I know it all seems so daunting and terrifying and impossible to leave him, Strop. But it can be done, you can do it. You do not have to live with this shit.

We are all being blunt, harsh even, because you need to hear the truth of your situation. You need to be dragged out of your fog, shaken out of your inertia, your acceptance and your fear.

I also get so bloody angry at this 'it's his money' crap. I have said this about 10 billion times on MN - I work FT, high earning career. My husband is at home and earns a fifth of my salary in own business.

Our money is our money!! It's family money. I have never and would never consider it my money - if he hadn't been at home with kids I wouldn't have been able to pursue my career anyway! We are a team. Equal partners.

50shadesofgreyhair Sat 06-Oct-12 14:57:43

CookieRookie - bless you for sharing your story. Read her post Strop, and read it again, and then take her advice.

garlicbutty Sat 06-Oct-12 15:10:32

Dear Stropzilla, men in the past have talked to me about their wives like he talked about you. I cut them short - not criticising your friend, btw, he sounds overbearing - because it disgusts me. I find it repulsive that a man would think so badly of his own wife, seemingly unaware of how low-value it makes him (a lousy wife is the best he could get?!) and how feeble his complaints (they always are). Men who do this are revolting. And you're married to one, giving him blow jobs even sad

I hope you've booked yourself a very nice room by now, with dinner a la carte and a spa pass. It's the least you deserve.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 15:18:57

We are trying to talk. He has turned it around telling me I'm controlling but can't give me an example and I was hormonal and angry that's why he's backed off.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 06-Oct-12 15:25:50

Leave. He isn't sorry and doesn't deserve you or your children. If he puts nothing into the relationship, why should he get anything out of it?


50shadesofgreyhair Sat 06-Oct-12 15:27:28

Of course he'll try and turn it around. Is he really worth the effort it takes to talk to him? Book yourself in the best hotel in town, drink the mini bar dry, order the entire bloody menu and stick it all on his card. Because you're worth it. And take a friend. Take ten. Just look after yourself and put yourself first.

Pagwatch Sat 06-Oct-12 15:27:54

Well tbh you can't say 'we are not trying to talk'
you are trying to talk. He is trying to evade and deflect

Pagwatch Sat 06-Oct-12 15:28:20

Sorry - 'we are trying to talk'

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 15:30:21

This is probably just another example of him turning things around and blaming it on ou. If you think about it there has probably been may other times.
Time to draw a line under things and move on WITHOUT him. He is bring ing you down. You cannot talk to someone who is not prepared to listen.
Go away for the night-consider your options. Hopefully by tomorrow you will have realised that there in no place for this man in your life

Whocansay Sat 06-Oct-12 15:42:32

Apologies if this has been said, but I just wanted to point out that he's only been faithful because the other women didn't want him. If they'd have wanted him, is he really suggesting he wouldn't have been up for it?

Of course, these are the only occasions you are aware of. They may or may not be others. Have you asked him?

I hope that you're able to get some thinking time.

CheerfulYank Sat 06-Oct-12 15:47:06

I would be incandescent with rage if my Dh ever said anything like that to one of my friends. Fucking nuclear blast of righteous anger. How dare he? I would never ever complain about my dh to one of his friends or say anything remotely sexual to them.

It is a violation of your marriage vows and just being a decent person, frankly.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 15:48:44

Whocansay yes I asked him. He told me it was only talking and it had not happened with anyone else.

I can't go anywhere it's all booked!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 15:50:12

I'm blown away by Cookie's post. So wonderful to see that she's out into the light now. So inspirational.

Stropzilla... I think you're at great risk of letting this man confuddle you. What is the point in trying to talk to him at the moment? He is taking charge, as per usual, and you are running along behind him, reacting to his comments without taking your own stand.

Would you feel better if you took your girls with you to the hotel for the night? If so - do it. Until you stop letting this man dictate the pace, you're in no fit state to actually think about what it is that you want. It isn't going to change, you know that. Will you really settle for the uneasy kind of 'truce' that temporarily disguises the real life problems?

I know it's hard to read that you are showing your girls how to behave but it really is true. What do you want them to see? For myself, I'd rather have regrets over doing something perhaps I shouldn't have than not doing something I most definitely should have.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 15:54:00

Shopzilla... There ARE other hotels and ways to get to them. There are many hotels. Find one. Take his card and stop off at an ATM to get cash so that you're not without money.

Have you tried 'laterooms'? I use this a lot for work. If you're planning to stay tonight you get really cheap deals because it's last minute.

Pagwatch Sat 06-Oct-12 15:55:52

Lyingwitch is right.
There are no hotels just does not sound plausible.

Why do you not want to go now?

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 15:57:12

There are indeed places on laterooms. 2 of them and I cant afford either.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 16:00:06

Checking other places because I can't run to £491.

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 16:00:18

Use credit card Strop

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 16:06:15

Does your husband have a car? Borrow it. Then you can widen the hotel search - 10/15/20 miles is not significant if you have transport.

There are cheaper hotels than THAT. I stay in Central London for a quarter of that, last minute.

Instead of finding obstacles (which is pretty common for a woman when doing anything good for herself), imagine that you're doing this for your daughters and see the 'hitches' disappear.

Of course, you have to decide that you're going to do this (for one night). If you don't want to, you'll find every reason not to. In that event, stop pretending to yourself.

QuintessentialShadows Sat 06-Oct-12 16:07:17

Seeing as he has turned it around on you, not sure I would leave the marital home and the kids in this situation.

Better if he is asked to leave to give you some space and time to think.

Whocansay Sat 06-Oct-12 16:10:27

Can you not just stay at your mum's with the kids? Or with a friend?

It would be a good idea to talk to someone in real life anyway. You need support.

'Only talking'. What a cock. Phone sex is also 'only talking', but it wouldn't make it OK. I'm so angry for you!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 06-Oct-12 16:17:51

I'm angry for you too, OP. He IS only faithful to you because he has no choice. You have no idea of the outcome were another woman to entertain his overtures. angry

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 16:20:27

I don't drive, and it's not our house it's rented.

Bit of a new development, we have moved on to jewelery. I lost my engagement ring, which was given to me in the worst place, in the most unromantic way possible. It was the cheapest ring available. I was just doing DD2 bottle, when he gave me a box saying he was going to wait for the right time but I should have this now, and gave me a replacement ring. It's definately nicer but it's second hand and dented. FFS some effort would have been good.

Tis nice and sparkly tho. Just what I might have chosen for myself. But it's going back.

PrincessSymbian Sat 06-Oct-12 16:26:45

Use the credit card and let him worry about how to pay it. You would not be in this situation if it were not for his behaviour.

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