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Am I over-reacting to explicit messages. DH seems to think I am. (really long)

(115 Posts)
Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 10:20:30

I'm sorry, I've tried to cut this down so I don't drip feed but this is as brief as I can do it! In short, have found messages to a mutual friend of ours where DH was really bad-mouthing me, then being sexually explicit.

We've had a tough year. I had a very hard pregnancy, in hospital a lot, poorly baby, DD1 starting school, and medical problems for me that limit a lot of movement. I have a large bowel hernia that is in urgent need of repair and am waiting for an operation date. I will need an op that will put me flat on my back for a month, unable to even lift my baby or I will end up back in hosptial for longer for a worse op according to my consultant. Our house is a tip which I hate but some days I can't even push the hoover round. I'm miserable as I dislike living in a dump. DH is really messy, drops clothes where he takes them off, leaves dirty things in the kitchen and expects me to clean up after him, moans when I ask him to take rubbish out (and then doesn't do it, leaving black bags to fester in the kitchen for days - which means I either live with a smell, or do it myself and end up in pain for a few days). I don't feel like having sex a lot, although I still go down on him and it's never returned. We don't have much physical intimacy beyond that. I know he works, and he works damn hard for which I am always telling him how grateful I am. I have never stopped him going out with mates or whatever he wants to do.

I used the computer, and found up on the screen messages going back months up until recently complaining about me. Not one positive thing was said. He said I'm always angry and aggressive, he can't talk to me, he's expected to look after the kids all the time, I can't cope with 2 kids etc. That I need help but I'm being controlling and refused to give him my HV number so he could chase them up (I don't recall being asked for it ever and even if I refused surely he could have got it another way if he was that worried?). He doesn't know how he's going to cope after my op it's just yet more being piled on him. He complained to her he had to use a condom when we had sex. He told her the orgasm he had thinking about her was the best one he'd had for months, and detailed what he wanted to do to her. Calling her a nickname really close to the one he uses for me. I found porn of women being anally abused. I wasn't even snooping around our PC, they were on favorites and bookmarked! He wants to take her out to dinner, just the 2 of them and complained about having to take me out because I wanted to go and he was tired.

He does his share of nightshift when he sleeps on the sofa and DD2 sleeps in the cot downstairs, but in his message he's told her he's not allowed back in our bed and stays on the sofa every night. I can cope with 2 kids just fine, I CAN'T cope with 2 kids, him being a 3rd child, cleaning house AND being in pain all the time. I have no social life because of this. I never get out. I shouldn't even be carrying washing upstairs (doctors orders) but I do anyway because who else will? I don't expect him to look after the kids, I try to insist he doesn't because I know when he gets home he just wants to relax. He ALWAYS argues that he wants to, that he's missed them.

If you're with me so far, thank you.

I spoke to her, she said she had felt really uncomfortable in the conversation and tried to steer it away, laugh it off - which I could see from the messages - but he hadn't taken the hint. She is a very meek person and would not have been able to tell him to pack it in. She said she felt awful but didn't know how to tell me. I believe her.

He denied it up until I named her, and some details. He said sorry, didn't admit to it because it was ages ago, didn't think it was relevent, told me he's been a twat that he loves me and was just blowing off steam. I told him to go read those messages and imagine it was me saying them to another man. He did come back looking teary and told me he was an idiot and could see how it could be read but he didn't mean it that way. I spoke to him about the porn (quoted some stuff I'd read on the feminist section on here about girls in porn) and he says he feels sick at that and won't use it again.

NOW SO AS NOT TO DRIP FEED - yes there's more. Sorry!

This is the 2nd time I've caught a conversation of this type, the first time was with a girl in the states he met online just before DD1 was born. Trying to get her to send him pics which she wouldn't. I told him if he behaved this way again he should just leave. He said he was sorry, that he was being a twat. Before I had DD2, and was very ill, he would make comments about beautiful actresses on television, google them with me in the room and show me these girls. I confronted his nasty behaviour, he said he was sorry, that he was being a twat.

I don't know where to go from here. I told him to apologise to my friend and she says he has and seemed sincere, but he sincerely apologised to me 4 years ago too. We've been together nearly 20 years, he's an amazing dad and used to be so loving. These messages he's sent are so 2 faced though, contradicting everything he's told me. I understand this year has been hard on him too, he's had a lot going on at work as well as at home. He's always insisted that he adores me, that I'm beautiful and attractive even when I feel fat and my hernia is blown up. How could he suddenly decide all the things he does are demanded of him? Even when I try to get him to go out with friends he says no. He says he feels like he should stay in and help out, but when I try so hard to keep him happy and he point blank refuses to take time for himself, I don't see how his resulting annoyance at not getting me time is my fault!

He's trying to kiss and hug me and hold my hand, and seems very put out that I won't just accept an apology. I do in front of the girls but I just don't want him kissing me again yet. And his message to her about being made to sleep on the sofa is now true. Am I wrong? Should I just go with it and see what happens again?

procrastinor Sat 06-Oct-12 11:31:25

strop your husband needs to sort himself out. Perhaps a period of separation?

To put it in context, I'm not even ill just revising for an exam and my DH has bent over backwards looking after DS, getting the house immaculate so I don't need to worry whilst juggling his stressful shift work which means he's staying away from the house for days at a time. I'm not bragging but trying to show you this is what DH do because we a couple and support each other. Not run online and live out fantasies.

If this has been the first time then that would be one thing. But this is the second. If he wants this imaginary wonderful world without the stress of supporting the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with, then I'd let him have at it and would invite my mom or friend to come give me a hand. He can take the kids out like any divorced dad and see how he likes it.

I'm really sorry.

Nagoo Sat 06-Oct-12 11:34:53

You aren't over-reacting.

I think I'd start laying tha law down. he already thinks so little of you, what do you have to lose if he thinks you are a bossy bitch who does no housework?

This is very sad sad

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 11:38:34

You poor woman.

What an absolute arse.

I have nothing of any use to say but I couldn't read and run.

Look after yourself x

Soditall Sat 06-Oct-12 11:42:00

I would walk away from him,he is never going to change and I think you know that.

I'm disabled now and really ill and we have 5 children and two of them are asd but my husband never treats me the way your being treated because he loves me and would never want to loose me.

Your not doing anything wrong,he on the other hand has got it all wrong.Like you've said this is twice,how many more times would be to many for you?

Why would you have to leave the house?Your ill and you have the children and the divorce would be his fault,there's no way any court would expect you to leave the house.

Get in touch with the adult social services,they're nothing to do with your children,they'll focus on your needs whilst your ill and after the operation and they'll be able to get you some help.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 11:44:26

My Mum has DD1 tonight, so just DD2 who is 7 months to look after. I am tempted to book myself in a hotel in a nearby city to get some headspace away from all this.

I'm thinking at the moment to tell him he's on the sofa on a sort of trial basis. If he sorts himself out and keeps it up (months, not weeks!) he can come back into MY bed. If not, he's out. He's given me his passwords and signons, but what's to stop him making more? I really don't want to be checking up on him. No, I dont' want him out, and yes I would rather deal with this and solve it but I don't want to be taken for a fool.

procrastinor Sat 06-Oct-12 11:47:28

Is there a spare room he can have? The sofa is so intrusive into normal living but a spare room means that he knows that it is permanent until he sorts himself out.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 11:49:06

No there is no spare room. There's no spare bed! I do think me going to a hotel tonight would scare the crap out of him and make him realise I'm serious. I'd ask him to go but really a) I'm not sure where and b) I WANT THE BREAK!

Pagwatch Sat 06-Oct-12 11:49:40

My son has autism.
Autism does not make you disrespect your wife, aggressively peruse women or bookmark porn.
An asd diagnosis is not an excuse for his shitty behaviour however much you both may want it to.

YerMaw1989 Sat 06-Oct-12 11:59:24

Whats stopping him doing it a third time? nothing.

I think whats worse is that you are physically in a very bad way, does little to help and was slagging you off :O ,
I experienced something similar and I left for a week, but was rushed to hospital with a threatened miscarriage on the weekend sad
so I'd obviously been left to struggle too long.

fiventhree Sat 06-Oct-12 11:59:59

I wish anything he tells me could come from the heart, but it just sounds like he trots out the same lines again and again. He never uses emotional language, but is very businessy like "I can see how that could be taken, that's not how I meant it but I'm sorry you saw it that way"

That's the key, and it isnt good enough, is it? It really isnt, an it just tells you he is not serious.

I think that if you are to have any hope, counselling is a must, and he needs to understand that you can tell family to help support you.

Also, I think that the best judge of him isnt what is in his computer but his day to dday behaviour.

my h had online sex with many woman, but he doesnt now, after he realised how nearly he lost everything, and really knew how close he came.

I dont need to check his laptop- I look at his behaviour in the family and towards me, because that is the indicator. Silly I couldnt see it before, as it always was.

QuintessentialShadows Sat 06-Oct-12 12:02:01

Book a hotel for the night and have a break. And kick him out.

You say you dont think you can manage without him. But I think you can.

After all, a man that does not contribute to the housework at all, is dead meat. He is creating more work for you:

More rubbish is created
more laundry to deal with
picking up after him
more dishes
more shopping
more cooking.

And as he does not actually help with anything, you would be a lot better off.
Dh travels with work quite a lot, and it is amazing how much less washing up and laundry I have to do when he is away. Even though he is a man who helps around the house, and dont bicker and argue, life is in some respects easier when he is away, from a house work perspective.

TELL HIM (and this is my summary and take on your situation, and you of course dont need to do anything like this)

"John, I am sorry, but seeing your lies about me and our relationship, and especially you lying about how much you do in the house is the straw that broke the camels back. You have had one such inappropriate relationship before, twice I have caught you, but I dont know how many more there has been. You have broken my trust twice. I am not sure I can trust you again, I am not sure I even want to. Seeing you lying about how much you do, and how little I do, has shocked me to the core. You are a lazy man who spread your mess everywhere, drop your clothes on the floor, for me to pick up after you, you moan when I ask you to take the rubbish out, and you cant even do that ONE thing. You do nothing useful in the house. Now that I can see with open eyes what type of man, and partner you are, I have come to realize that life will be a lot easier and hard work without you. Less laundry, less tidying up, less dishes to do, so we need to talk about how to get divorce proceedings going. Meanwhile, I want you to move out."

See what he says.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 12:02:39

I dont think you are overreacting at ALL. This is just awful. To be honest, the sex stuff would be less upsetting to me than the moaning about criticising about you to another woman! Thats just ultimately disrespectful and bastardly. Dealbreaker.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 12:04:56

I'm also quite tempted to pass him this thread as he really doesn't seem to get it.

Should I?

QuintessentialShadows Sat 06-Oct-12 12:06:10

He does not get it?

What is he, a single cell organism?

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 12:07:23

No, but he doesnt see how bad it really is. I guess Im hoping reading what you all have written might bang it into his head.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 06-Oct-12 12:08:38

OP - he sounds pretty pointless to be honest. What value does he truly bring to your life (YOURS, not your DCs)?

He's a lazy liar. Not attractive.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 12:12:54

Honestly Ophelia, this week not a lot. We used to have a lot of laughs and supported eachother thru some very hard times and I guess I am just hoping that this is a reaction to having kids and no longer being the center of my attention. I want to get back to where we used to be as a couple, but a couple who have been blessed with 2 very beautiful girls!

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 12:24:14

I'm also quite tempted to pass him this thread as he really doesn't seem to get it

Oh, he 'gets it' alright. He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows that he can continue to do exactly what he likes too.

I would not advise showing him this thread. He will see your empty threats as what they are. Everyone is telling you that your situation is awful. The one person you should be able to rely on to love and support you is just kicking you when you're down.

I actually think you are the one who doesn't get it.

He is abusive.

You should not be with him.

Every day he is damaging your self esteem even more so that you don't even have the strength to do anything about it.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 12:27:13

Oh Fairenuff, is that really how it is? I suppose I'm just used to it.

I'm not strong, I can't cope and I'm not actually sure I care enough to change it as long as the girls are happy. But the second I think that I realise that's not the way to live.

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 12:30:33

If you allow this to continue your beautiful girls will grow up thinking that this is normal and what they should expect in a relationship. They will allow men to use and abuse them and blame themselves for not being 'enough'.

Stropzilla Sat 06-Oct-12 12:32:03

I can't find any hotels or B&Bs near me for tonight that don't cost the earth. I just wanted to get out of here for tonight so I could think.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 06-Oct-12 12:32:15

Stropzilla - if you need support and love a dog would be a better choice IMO. He's having a laugh and not with you. Can you chuck him out and import and friend / relative to help you when you have your operation?

Honestly, your self respect sounds soooo ground down sad

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 12:33:30

It's just one night. How much can it cost? Are you worth it?

LovesPeace Sat 06-Oct-12 12:33:42

Well, you and he seem to be agreed on one key fact: he's a twat.
Get rid.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 06-Oct-12 12:34:36

You op shocked me and made me really angry for you, my heart was thumping!

He is treating you very badly indeed in all sorts of ways. Personally i can't see that suddenly changing because that would require a complete change of personality.

I would have your op and then chuck him out. Preferably bitching out before if you think you could find a way to manage. You may well be able to stay in your home.

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