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Friend's husband being an utter dick. What can you advise when you are friends with both.

(5 Posts)
nochy Fri 05-Oct-12 15:17:19

He is in the middle of a self proclaimed midlife crisis and has said the most unbelievable cruel things to her.

She's gorgeous, clever, slim, pretty and very funny. He has got her desperately trying to think of the 'long game' and keep it together until he comes to his senses. Their youngest had his 1st birthday today, they have a 3r old and a 6 yr old.

He doesn't do much with the children, does a solo sport for 4 hours every weekend and never takes her out. He also told her friends he was going to leave her a month ago but we all were outraged on her behalf and he's done some half hearted efforts since then. He said at the time that he would love to keep the kids because he loves them but it was an obvious lie and i told him so, as if he has them for the day by himself he counts down the time until they're in bed.

Now, the crux, we live in the Middle East. The spouses here are on visas tied to the working spouses job. Housing is tied in, schools fees, the whole shebozzle. Her home country is the other side of the world, is not the same as his and also, she hasn't worked since coming here and at least has live in child care here, which would help.

He was a friend of mine but i can see that i can't stay friends with them both. I am so angry that he's done this to her, just as they completed their family and she will be left struggling with her (very spirited) kids and trying to work. I want her to kick him out and trigger the 'LOSS' that madchoc always talks about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 15:53:51

You have to take your cue from your friend, I'm afraid. If she wants to stick around even though everyone can see what a crappy idea it is, then that's her call. If she wants to leave and asks for your help, help her achieve it. And if she asks you a direct question i.e. 'should I stay or should I go?' give an honest answer but don't press the point. I've known a few couples that appear to be horrendously mismatched, wash all their dirty laundry in public create huge drama and get friends to take sides.... only to be back together again in short order. Stay out of it as much as possible.

DIYapprentice Fri 05-Oct-12 16:02:08

Actually, you CAN stay friends with both. But you can direct your support to the friend who you believe is being wronged.

Support your DF, tell your other DF, her 'D'H, that although you value him as a friend, you cannot support his behaviour because he is being an idiot.

something2say Sat 06-Oct-12 10:01:16

Advise her to siphon off some money where she can, just in case.

Very vulnerable position to be in; visa tied to your husband, rocky relationship with your husband - too many kids to get out and earn any money of your own - completely tied in.

Get her to siphon off some money where she can. And I'd support HER, not him.

AnastasiaSteele Sat 06-Oct-12 10:56:33

I would take your cues from her as said up thread, support her And maintain a pretence of friendship with him in order to support her if you see what I mean. My best mate knows my abusive on off partner - she cannot stand him but she is always friendly to him in order not to end up cutting me off from her support. I don't know if your friends husband is just a bit of a cad or is worse than that, either way, keeping your friends close and enemies closer might make things easier, especially if they do 'resolve' things.

Your poor friend, though at least she has you.

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