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How would you react if you discovered your DP was still using 'pet' names with ex?

(20 Posts)
mischiefmummy Fri 05-Oct-12 11:25:44

Borrowed DP's Ipad the other day, as my laptop was dead. Clicked on email as I was assuming it was our shared account, however it was his own account.

Glancing down the inbox I realised he's been emailing his ex quite a lot, which initially didn't bother me as she lives overseas and I don't see her as a threat. However, I realised that they refer to each other with 'pet' or nicknames (Sir, ma'am pear drop), which I find a bit odd, especially as in all the 13 years we've been together has has never called me anything other than my given name. No 'darling', 'sweetheart' etc that he uses with DCs.

No terms of endearment have always been a bit of a sore point for me and he's not a very demonstrative person anyway. But in his emails he is far more loving and supportive than he has ever been to me.

Starting to feel that the last 13 years of my life have been a bit of a farce.

FireOverBabylon Fri 05-Oct-12 11:32:11

But she's overseas - why do you see this as a threat?

I think that you need to tell your husband about how you feel about the lack of terms of endearment and ask him to create one for you. My husband does this - they drive me round the twist and I'd much preferred he just used my name, but we're all different.

Incidentally, what do you call him? usually, not as a result of having seen his iPad!

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Fri 05-Oct-12 11:40:21

I am friends with my ex (DP then fiance of 6 years) and we still use our pet names for each other now. It doesn't mean anything to either of us, except purely platonic affection.

The issue here is that you're not happy with him not having these with you. Speak to him about it, tell him how you feel.

dequoisagitil Fri 05-Oct-12 11:47:16

It's easy to be loving and supportive when it's just words and there's no expectation he has to follow through & deliver on that support. So I wouldn't necessarily take it that he was/is as he appears in those emails in real life, with her.

But being undemonstrative and a bit cold emotionally(?) is a problem and he needs to be doing more to respond to your needs.

dequoisagitil Fri 05-Oct-12 11:48:06

Oh, and I'd be pissed, to answer your question.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 11:52:11

Depends. If it was just some short-form of their real name...'B' instead of 'Brenda'... no problem. If they were calling each other Squidgybum and Love Muffin... ahem hmm

ClippedPhoenix Fri 05-Oct-12 11:54:53

I have to say I'd be a bit peeved.

chipsandmushypeas Fri 05-Oct-12 12:19:58

I'm sorry sad that would upset me too, especially if he doesn't call you anything nice. I would bring it up

joblot Fri 05-Oct-12 12:20:48

My ex had her ex under a pet name on phone. I wasn't happy about it, I think it connotes an attachment that's not just about being friends

mischiefmummy Fri 05-Oct-12 12:23:04

In the past I have explained how I feel, and whilst I have occasional email contact with my exp (who is also overseas) I would never consider using anything other than his name.

I don't feel threatened, just alone. He knows I feel alone and yet he does do anything to make a change. And yet in his emails he raves about how much better she is than the rest of the population even when she's feeling under par.

If I have to ask for affection, then somehow it loses it's significance as I've had to ask, it is not freely given IYSWIM.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 12:49:10

So the nicknames are the tip of an iceberg of deeper relationship problems in which, despite having made your feelings clear, you are not shown even the same affection or support as someone miles away and allegedly in the past? For a relationship of 13 years that sounds particularly crappy. Nothing more soul-destroying than being taken for granted. Do you want to stay with this man or do you think it's the beginning of the end?

Megmog2005 Fri 05-Oct-12 12:50:02

I wouldn't be too happy about. I have a few names for my ex, but they are definately NOT pet names IYKWIM :-)

likeatonneofbricks Fri 05-Oct-12 13:19:14

I think it's fine with the names as such, but the fact he emails her a lot is dodgy.
My ex never called me (or his close relatives) by the actual name, and I also called him more often by a pet name - we still do in our rare contact by text/phone as it's purely and simply a habit and it would be weird to revert to real names, there is nothing sexual at all going on in our minds, both moved on long ago. But our contact IS rare.
Ask him why is he still in touch so much, this is not usual!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 13:26:44

The ex and the pet name are only important because they are showing up what's missing in the OP's current relationship. Like the man who is grumpy with the wife and kids all day but turns on the smiles for visitors... it's the contrast that is the problem, not the terms of endearment per se

mischiefmummy Fri 05-Oct-12 14:12:50

Cogito has got it right, seems he can be affectionate and lovely to the outside world but happy to leave me to struggle on.

He spends hours on Sundays talking to his DB on the phone ( has done this as long as I've known him) and yet never fills me in on family news. I always look a fool when we have get-together as I don't know the news! Does the same with his mum. And yet when we visit, he and his DPs say nothing. No chat, no conversation whatsoever. I can only last about three days before I run out of topics. Really lacking in social skills.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 14:22:40

So have you decided it's over?

SuperB0F Fri 05-Oct-12 14:28:39

Eh? That's a bit if a leap at this point, isn't it?

mischiefmummy Fri 05-Oct-12 14:30:39

He keeps saying he wants it to work, wants to forget everything that has happened over the last few years. I just can't sweep it all under the carpet. He doesn't want to see that he has played a huge role in my unhappiness and that now I have no confidence in him.

With four children who adore him, leaving is easier said than done.

cupcake78 Fri 05-Oct-12 14:31:24

Not funny at all, I'd be seriously angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Oct-12 14:37:52

I don't think it's a leap. When the affection goes out of a relationship, when you're being routinely ignored and taken for granted and when he can write yards of e-mails to an old flame & spend hours on the phone to his family but has no conversation for his own DW who is utterly miserable as a result..... what is the point of sticking around?

Realise it's easier said than done to get shot of a man when you have 4 DCs with him. Then again 'easier said than done' is exactly what you're discovering when he says he wants to make it work. I want a Ferrari.... that's not going to happen any time soon either.

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