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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

had this in chat, but might get more help in here, she still wont commit to leave!

(11 Posts)
stokemeaclipper Thu 04-Oct-12 20:23:25

a post about my friend with back story so will be long (sorry but dont know what to do anymore)

Friend, well flatmate at the time lets call her Sue meets guy online and starts chatting to him, he lives far in ireland us in scotland. Prior to this, she has been single for a while, has hooked up with a few guys nothing serious.

gets on great with him, lots of chatting 10 days after first conversation online I hear her on the phone to him, while putting down the phone " love you" is said.
I ask Sue, whats that about, she replys she is on love with internet guy.

I obviously ask more questions about online friend. Online friend, is divorced, with 5 children, that don't see him, is a paranoid Schizophrenic on medication due to excessive cannabis and magic mushroom use over many years. So doesnt work and lives on an island off the coast of ireland.

Sue continues to chat with him and goes to meet him in ireland, comes back ever so happy, invites him over to scotland for new year.

I accept this is happening even though i am not happy about it, but can quiz online friend when he is here.

I meet him, he is interesting......though don't really get a chance to be by myself to have a proper chat with him, Sue seems to be hiding him,but he obviously very controlling, seems to have brain washed Sue, is pushing the how finding godgot me over my addiction a bit, and i am then informed they are moving back to the island he lives on together in a few weeks.

So I pass on advice, but can't stop Sue from doing anything, so she goes.

Apparently everything is rosy, they have a whole "good life" set up with a bit of land and animals. He has met with her family they all get on, its delightful.

It transpires he is getting more controlling, shes really lonely, so they move closer to things, Sue gets on a course she wants to do and is doing volunteering and really happy.

I then get contacted as she is utterly miserable want to come back to scotland. with the words "its not as if he hits me" but im not happy.

I offer her a plane ticket, a flat to stay in for free till she is sorted, and the option of a job when she gets here.

.........All goes quiet, she says she wants to stay, sorry for mucking me about but she wants to make it work.

I let it go, she has now contacted me again, he is going mental on his meds and smacking her about and she doesn't feel safe and wants to leave.

This has happened over the last 2 year period. If you could give me your advice and i will send her this thread, because i can't cope with it anymore.

and im reallysorry its so long, but had to get all the points in

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 20:27:49

I know it must be stressful watching a friend in this position.

Have you suggested a domestic violence organisation? They will give her practical advice.

It's good she has you for support. What a lovely friend you are.

solidgoldbrass Thu 04-Oct-12 20:27:57

I appreciate that this is very upsetting for you but you can't make her leave. She's an adult and it's up to her.

THough it is possible that now he has started hitting her, she will make the move - how long is it since she last contacted you?

stokemeaclipper Thu 04-Oct-12 20:35:33

i have passed details on about womans aid in ireland, and she apparently has a social worker who she called today. But they wont help unless she commits to anything.

Ive told her no one can make her do anything, but surely staying put because it might get better is not the answer.

it just got worse from when i tried to help her the last time. I think i need her to see its not just me that thinks whats happening is wrong.

I spoke to her today online, but you get to the stage that you question if it really is her, from whats been going on.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 20:40:56

Oh dear, that's worrying.

Well she has to want to leave. My best friend was In your shoes with me in an EA relationship (much less isolated than your poor friend). Reading books and lurking on here helped. Maybe she needs to talk/type about it some more. She needs to want to leave. It's very complicated as I'm sure you know. Bear with her. He will have cut her off and undermined her to the point that leaving seems impossible. That's a huge defecit.

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 20:44:59

There's nothing you or anyone else can do for your friend until she makes the break and, in the meantime, all you can do is hope that she makes it before he breaks her.

She knows it's not just you who believes what's happening to her is wrong and now she's reached out to Women's Aid, it may not be long before she asks if you're willing to repeat your earlier generous offer to help her re-estabish the life she once enjoyed in Scotland.

stokemeaclipper Thu 04-Oct-12 20:45:39

I know, i told her he has brainwashed her, and she has to do what she needs to for her not him.

I can arrange for someone to come and get her and bring her over, but she turned me down before, and it got worse.

she is now holding out because she is getting fertillity checks done and has to be in a relationship to get them apparently, she says shes leaving after that.
But what does that mean?

izzyizin Thu 04-Oct-12 21:16:50

I think the meaning is clear and your friend'ss future is not orange, but is likely to involve a blue line on a pg test if she doesn't leave the violent twunt before he impregnates her or puts her in hospital by other means.

When she's having 'fertility tests', I suggest you advise her to seek genetic advice as to the probability/possibility of his mental illness being inherited by any dc he has/may have.

mantlepiece Fri 05-Oct-12 08:56:50

I would not discuss her partner with her. Keep the conversation about her.

Ask how she is, don't comment on him and his behaviour, try and make chats about normal life, this will help her see how disfunctional hers is.

Ask her to visit you for a catch up or you visit her, again this should be possible in normal life.

Tell her you care about her and miss her.

She will only leave when she is ready, you will only become exhausted and frustrated if you enter into the merry go round of his chaos.

mariahchan Fri 12-Oct-12 03:13:55

Unfortunately these situations are really complicated, because usually the women who experience domestic violence do not listen to reason, because they blame themselves for making the guy angry. In my opinion, the people you meet on chat sites always seem very shady, so it's best to date people you know in real life.

http://bazoocam.org/chat/

dondon33 Fri 12-Oct-12 05:19:31

"Sue" - if you're reading this honey, I wish you could run like the wind. If your situation is going downhill then it's not likely that it's going to improve.

It's NOT your fault what's happening and all the help you need is there (including your lovely friend) but YOU need to reach out and take it.
You can't be forced to accept help in the same way you can't be forced to stay where you are. Your own safety and sanity come first regardless of your partners problems.
For the sweet love of Jesus please don't get pregnant by this man, However much you think having a baby will improve your relationship, it'll be too late once pregnant to realise it won't and there's got to be a reason why he has no contact with 5 he already has. Sincerely hoping you find the strength you need.

Stoke - you're a lovely caring friend and probably a rock to her,try and keep the support there for her and the door open, take care x

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