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massive aggument with wife...what to do?

(87 Posts)
lightning02 Thu 04-Oct-12 15:03:07

My wife an I had a massive argument earler in the week, over money and holidays. The argument got a bit heated and I ended up venting my frustration by saying a few true but spiteful things, which I apologised for and I do genuinely feel so bad for.-(even though their was a lot of truth.)

Since then, she wont generate any conversation with me. Just one word answers. We generally speak throughout the day through text or calls, but nothing. she wont reply to my texts. when we did speak, she told me she wanted to just run away!

I love my wife deeply, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach to live with bad feeling..

I'd like other peoples points of view, on the best way of getting this back on track. I feel whatever i do, it doesnt seem to help.

should i just leave her alone to get over it? or try some other approach?

DeckSwabber Fri 05-Oct-12 08:51:49

A - she probably needs time to process what you have said so give her some space while reassuring her that you love her and want to make it work

B - think about what SHE said in the argument and show her that you have listened/are prepared to go on listening.

OneMoreChap Fri 05-Oct-12 09:00:24

mertin Thu 04-Oct-12 21:28:36
When I've had an argument with someone, where spiteful things had been said, I need a bit of space to think for a few days. I wouldn't be able to discuss it rationally or resolve it immediately.

I'm a bit like that, too.
I hate raised voices and shouting, so will engage less and less.

Of course, XW said that was sulking... and said I wouldn't talk to her.

If she is so unhappy with you, maybe the best thing is for her to draw a line under it, run away and manage her own finances?

janelikesjam Fri 05-Oct-12 15:31:19

I think there is lots of material and ideas here for you to think about OP, so perhaps wait a while and then review things with your wife. What are the real issues under this. Deep down are you really upset that your wife has little interest in sex? Do you feel over-responsible e.g. for money issues etc. What is going on for her (I guess she would have to look at that herself)?

Good luck.

lightning02 Sat 06-Oct-12 20:59:16

yes, i think deep down I do feel over responsible for looking after the finances.

I also do feel upset and hurt that she can rule our sex life. -Always on her terms. I get turned down often, but never turn her down.I suppose this frustrates me a lot.
Now, because we fell out, im on a sex ban!! so that sorts that problem out :-)

LadyLapsang Sat 06-Oct-12 23:31:09

Maybe she doesn't feel like being intimate with you if you lose your temper and say hurtful things. I don't think she is 'ruling your sex life', you surely wouldn't want her to have sex with you if she didn't want to?

Sounds like to two of you could do with attending couples counselling - you sound rather controlling on the face of it.Glad I have my own earning, bank account etc. would hate to have to run my spending, savings, investment past my DH for permission. Yes, we discuss things, but he or I don't have the power of veto unless it really involves the other one e.g. house purchase.

avenueone Sat 06-Oct-12 23:34:08

After all that great advice (not necessarily mine) I am surprised that this is your response - you seem very selfish, it seems to be all about how how you feel. That is not going to repair the situation. I feel a bit uncomfortable about how much focus you are putting on the sex side of things.

FastLoris Sat 06-Oct-12 23:48:50

Well they do say that disagreements about money are the most common cause of marital breakdown.

I think if you can handle the detail of management involved, it's a really good idea to have three clearly separate pots of money: "ours", "mine", and "hers".

"Ours" comes first, and covers everything essential: mortgage/rent, household bills, grocery shopping, funds necessary for kids, plus a certain allowance each months for things like house and car upkeep, depending on your situation.

When you've worked out how much that comes to, the rest of what you both earn each month is divided into yours and hers. The point here is that whatever amount that is, you are each completely free to spend HOWEVER you want to, with no consultation of the other even required. If you want to save all yours that's fine. If she wants to spend all hers on frivolity, that's also fine.

A lot of people don't like this idea because they think it takes away from the sense of union in the relationship. But I prefer to just accept that people are different, have different needs and priorities, no matter how close their relationship is.

How you manage it, and the size of the personal pots, depends of course on your circumstances. Like a lot of people we are struggling in these difficult times, so our personal pots are only enough for a little bit of personal luxury each month. But the point is that everything in the joint pot should be things that you have agreed together are obvious necessities of your life together. If she's not prepared to restrict her spending to half of what's left after that, then she is being both unrealistic and unreasonable, and has no right to impose that on you. If you are not prepared to let her spend half of what's left after that, then you are being unfairly controlling.

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 09:30:45

Another one who is concerned about your attitude to sex. "Rule our sex life" and "sex ban" could be construed as you feeling entitled to sex and angry with her when she fails to provide it when you want. It could also be that she is using sex as a weapon and calculatedly withdrawing it although I'd consider this less likely.

Sex is part of the relationship and I think if you have disconnected it from the relationship to the degree that you expect it to carry on as normal even when you are fighting this isn't very healthy. I don't buy the "men are different" bollocks, a man or woman who has a healthy emotional attitude towards their relationship suffers a suppression of sexual desire during serious relationship difficulties.

You'll never have a great sex life or a great relationship if you don't see how the two are intertwined. To be angry at someone for not wanting sex is a. Abusive and b. The best thing to do if you want to ensure they never want to have sex with you again.

SarahBumBarer Sun 07-Oct-12 10:43:16

Unfortunately OP when women post on here about crap sex lives they get sympathy but men are told that they are deviants and abusive putting intolerable pressure on their wives who would willingly have sex with any normal man. If your wife is imposing a "sex ban" then she is using sex as a weapon and a punishment and this is disgraceful behaviour. Sex DOES become an issue in a marriage when there is an imbalance and it is not unpleasant for a man to come on here and state that "hey, this is an issue for me".

OP, I have NEVER heard of an argument where there is not fault on both sides. IME the kind of arguments where the vilest things get said or things get said in a vile way tend to occur in marriages where communication is poor and it is only the bravado of the heat of the moment that allows such things to be said and then never in a constructive way.

Your marriage sounds pretty doomed to me (certainly in terms of it being happy) unless you both find better ways to communicate and work on your issues together.

But then I am a terrible financial abuser because I often tell DH that we can't afford some ridiculous expensive piece of camera equipment things becuase I have this bizarre urge to ensure that we don't have to eat corned beef pasta in salad cream for the last 4 days of the month.

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 12:01:05

Sarahbumbauer - that simply isn't true. No-one's called him an abuser hmm

Also a woman came on recently with a similar sex problem and was told the same that pressure and expectation of sex are not going to help her husband feel like having sex.

We only have his assertion that this is a "sex ban" he has said in his op she is mad with him and feels like running away and that is why I think it is more likely that she feels angry and upset and therefore doesn't want sex than is arbitrarily imposing a sex ban I don't see how it can be an arbitrary punishment if it is already stated that they are falling out and she is angry and in my post I said using sex as a weapon is not acceptable behaviour if that was what she was doing but that I didn't think it could be. Since he has stated they are arguing and the marriage is not right I think it is not particularly healthy for either partner to expect the sex carries on as usual.

Op what you have to understand is some posters go by rumour and MN legend without assessing the reality because they have some bee in their bonnet.

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 12:01:22

Bum barer sorry!

SarahBumBarer Sun 07-Oct-12 15:37:31

Ok just controlling, selfish and (a suggestion that he may be) "abusive" then (and that's just the last 3 posts).

I've been on MN for about 5 years now so a veritable newbie compared to some admittedly but certainly long enough to call it as I see it and recognise the posters who are more guilty of it than others!

avenueone Sun 07-Oct-12 18:09:19

Thanks Sarah really kind of you.
If me and a partner are struggling financially then I would expect to sit down together to discuss the problem and plan things moving forward not just be `told' by my partner we are not doing something. But I would never put myself in a position where my partner held the purse strings and decided what we spend the money on anyway.
In this instance she may be spending too much and I am sure there are genuine financial problems that need to be chatted through in a more mature way.

As someone else has said, sex is only part of a relationship and IMO as great as sex is, the love and care, companionship and team work are also part of a relationship should me more of a focus esp. at this time.

I can't remember the last time I wanted to jump into bed and `make love' with someone who I wasn't really on speaking terms with.... to claim she is banning sex and this is wrong suggests he has a right to it at all times, which no one does.

OneMoreChap Sun 07-Oct-12 18:37:15

It could also be that she is using sex as a weapon and calculatedly withdrawing it although I'd consider this less likely.

Thanks for sharing that.

To be angry at someone for not wanting sex is a. Abusive and b. The best thing to do if you want to ensure they never want to have sex with you again.

make sure you share that with the next woman who posts here complaining about a quiet sex life.

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 21:29:14

No Sarah that that behaviour would be abusive.

Don't get your point one more chap. This person is not complaining that his sex life is quiet in this post but accusing his wife of manipulatively withholding sex. I don't think that is the most likely scenario because they are arguing, why does he think sex would carry on as normal in that context? It wouldn't make a difference if he was she it is not healthy to feel angry that your spouse isn't having sex with you during a period where you aren't speaking to each other.

I have sympathy for him other than that. I think it is a valid point to make. Just why would she want to have sex with him when she doesn't want to speak to him and why is this making him angry instead of upset which is a more healthy reaction to feeling sexually rejected?

Lizzabadger Sun 07-Oct-12 21:57:43

Does your wife use Mumsnet?

OneMoreChap Sun 07-Oct-12 23:05:14


You said being angry for someone not wanting sex is abusive. Plenty of posters her complain their DH/DP doesn't want sex. They seem pretty cross about it. By your lights, they are abusive. Goose/gander?

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 23:38:01

No I said being angry at someone because they don't want to have sex with you when you are arguing is abusive behaviour. There is nothing sexist in that statement. Healthy people who feel sexually rejected feel upset, healthy people don't expect sex from someone who is not speaking to them and who has said they want to run away, no matter whether what the person is upset about it is not ok to expect sex from someone who isn't even speaking to you or to be angry at them because they aren't providing it.

We've only got one post about the supposed sex ban/dictation of sex life so there may be unfortunate wording I don't know. All I said was that worried me and I've explained three times why it did. I'm not sure why you still are not understanding? This is nothing to do with the op being a man who has a quiet sex life it is to do with that post appearing to say that he was angry that the wife he wasn't speaking to in the marriage that had communication problems wasn't having sex with him and that he interpreted that as manipulative.

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 23:38:59

*Whether what that person is upset about is reasonable or not,

Offred Sun 07-Oct-12 23:53:45

I don't even get why you think it is even ok to be angry at someone for not wanting sex. Ok, fine for deliberately withholding in order to get something or to win an argument or teach a lesson, that isnt very nice but to be angry because someone doesn't want it, I don't see how that is in any way healthy. If you can find examples of where I've written to women "yeah, you are totally justified for being really pissed off how dare your husband not want to have sex he's got no right to not want sex" then maybe you could justify that accusation you are levelling at me. I've only known one woman be actually angry at a lack of sex on here and I had a low opinion of that too because fundamentally everyone is entitled to refuse sex if they want to, it doesn't have to be justified and no-one is entitled to have sex ever.

Abitwobblynow Mon 08-Oct-12 08:22:16

Lightning, your wife is being unreasonable.

NOW is the time for you to put your foot down and say you and she are going to counselling. She needs to hear a few truths. Truth said with love is still love, and when she is reassured that you DO love her despite her not being perfect, she might feel safe enough to start looking at that stuff.

You bending over backwards and letting her have her hurt feelings way will really sour your relationship.

Abitwobblynow Mon 08-Oct-12 08:25:17

Offred, come on.

Sex is a REALLY important bonding thing in relationships. It isn't just bastard men stratching their itch. It is a really important way to express reassurance love and closeness without words. Just because women prefer talking, doesn't mean that we should dismiss how important sex is, and how important it is to men who aren't great with words.

I am currently being punished with no sex, and it IS abuse. No two ways about it.

Abitwobblynow Mon 08-Oct-12 08:29:41

(and I acknowledge his right not to be intimate with a person he doesn't want to be intimate with).

What I am taking issue with you, is that love is not a feeling. Sometimes love means doing something for someone else that you don't feel like doing, because you know it's important to them, because you can put yourself in their shoes and know they need that closeness and reassurance.

We do it with our children a thousand times a day, after all.

Offred Mon 08-Oct-12 08:41:29

Love does not ever mean having sex when you don't want to a bit wobbly. That is anti-love. You have some very weird ideas and I happen to know your relationship is a very long way from healthy.

I have not ever written anywhere that spitefully withholding sex is ok. Do not misquote me.

I am not writing that on this thread.

I am saying that I don't think that is what the wife here is doing. I am not saying that people do not ever spitefully withhold sex or that if they do it is ok.

He has said she is not speaking to him and wants to run away - in that situation why would someone want to have sex with the person they don't want to speak to and want to run away from? and if they didn't want to then why would that actually be spiteful withholding of sex?

I don't think it is in anyway acceptable to feel angry at your wife for not wanting to have sex with you when you are fighting, IF that is what is going on here then that isn't right.

Offred Mon 08-Oct-12 08:45:55

"Women prefer talking" crap, crap, crap, misogynistic crap.

Communication is an essential part of a relationship between equals. A lack of communication means the relationship hurts the people involved. Sometimes society will teach men not to talk because it also teaches them concurrent beliefs about male superiority which mean communication in a couple is not necessary as it is a hierarchy not a relationship. Both men and women find real communication quite difficult on the whole because it is quite difficult to have open and honest communication and joint decision-making.

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