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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Advice on a 12 month relationship please

20 replies

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 12:06

Hi there, not posted on here much but am always reading posts etc so wonder whether you could give me your thoughts on my little problem.

The background -2 years ago i left husband of 10 years ago. I met this lovely man almost immediately but i wasn't in a place to start a relationship so we slept together a few times but remained good friends. Just over a year ago we decided to give it another go and, on the whole, its been great. However, over the last couple months he's been driving me insane with the things he says when he's drunk (ie, i'm the worst gf ever, i never give him any space etc) and then is mortified the next morning when i tell him. Last night, from out of nowhere, he says that im forcing him into making a decision regards our living arrangements (we both have our own places but i stay at his most nights) an that we've only been "knocking about together a few months"!!

Personally i am not ready to live with him yet but the fact he just ranted about me forcing him upset me - i'm not sure whether he was drunk or not.

Tonight he wants us to have a chat about "where we go from here" - I feel like telling him to jog on but i actually am in love with him.

Its all a bit jumbled up so apologies but your opinions would be welcome. Please ask questions to make it clearer if you want! xx

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Report

LemonDrizzled · 04/10/2012 12:13

Couldn't read and run Milly

You know this man is bad news. He is waving red flags at you and the things he says when drunk are expressing what he thinks without the filter switched on. You say you are in love with him but actually most of us get attached if we are exchanging bodily fluids with someone however badly they treat us.

You know you deserve better. Please keep him at arms length and protect yourself. He sounds horrible.

Musomathsci · 04/10/2012 12:17

Agreed. He said some nasty things to you last night, and you weren't sure if he was drunk or not. It isn't OK to be horrible to you any time, drunk or not. You've extricated yourself from a marriage, and you are teetering on the brink of moving in with this chap. Think very very carefully before you do. So much easier to walk away now before you get any deeper. Could you live with his behaviour on a daily basis? Really?

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 12:21

Thank you for your replies. The confusing thing is that he is actually a decent guy, he just talks shit when he's drunk. I agree, the truth comes out when we're drunk.

I'm not sure i COULD live with him on a daily basis with the day to day drugery of life involved - its like he's begun to push me away but then he says he loves me and wants a future with me.

:(

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something2say · 04/10/2012 12:27

I'd back right off with the staying round at his place for a start. And maybe tell him that you won't put up with him saying that sort of thing again, ever. If he genuinely has a problem with you as a girlfriend, he needs to man up and talk it through sober.

It may be that you are discovering who he is. I always say it takes at least a year for the rose tinteds to come off....but definitely don't stay round so often, and maybe have a cast eye around to see who else may be out there for you?

Shit tho, a year is a good length of time and you must have feelings for him.

LemonDrizzled · 04/10/2012 12:31

What's the rush? I'm in a very similar position to you.
I left my marriage two years ago and met my DP a year ago. We are very happy together BUT I love my own house and space and his house is a total mess. Until he sorts himself out I am happy to provide a bolthole and support him with clearing up his mess but no way am I being dragged down by his issues!

Could you talk this through and find out what he means by "wanting space" and feeling under pressure from you? Does he think you are looking to move in with him? Are you both financially independent?

And why is day to day life "drudgery"? Does he expect you to do all the cleaning or something? Shouldn't it be fun together? That is why I would consider setting up home with my DP in due course. Life with him is better and more fun than life on my own.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/10/2012 12:35

Take a couple of steps back.

When you are drunk, you are less constrained, relaxed, and speak your mind.

This man seems to be drunk a lot... That is one thing. Another thing is that he is unpleasant and hurtful when drunk. If I were you, I would pull out of this relationship, and do NOT move in with him! Can you imagine living full time with a verbally abusive man? No home to go to, nowhere to get space?

No way. He is bad news.

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 12:38

I would like to think that in time, say another year or so, we would move in together but at the moment i wouldnt want that. I have already decided to stay at his less often. I stay at his so much as, and i know it sounds sad, i feel lonely on my own. We both work an both have savings - we go out a lot which i think is another problem. Its like we cant just spend an evening at home together, it has to involve going to the pub, or getting a bottle of wine or going out for a meal. Dont get me wrong, i enjoy that, but sometimes i want it to be just him and me, just slobbing out etc.

He says he can't make a decision about us living together yet - i'm not asking him to. Its like he's pre-empting it all and its making me feel like shit in the process.

I love him but i cant keep having 2 different relationships with the same man (sober and drunk)

x

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hoopieghirl · 04/10/2012 12:40

As they say in vino veritas so there is a big amount of truth in what he is telling u when he is drunk. U deserve better x

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 12:43

you're right i do deserve better but is hard when i actually love him - when we meet this evening i guess i'm going to have to end it and give him the space he so desperately craves :(

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QuintessentialShadows · 04/10/2012 12:51

Well, Love is a pretty lousy excuse to stay with a shit partner. Try love yourself more, and you dont need this "love" for him so much.

Take up a hobby, start enjoying your own company.

Think about it this way: He is not that into you, if he only wants to be out with you, DO things with you, rather than just BE with you. If you need to have an entertainment schedule, you are not really that right for each-other.

How do you envisage living together with a person who just wants to out with you? Or share a bottle of wine? That is not every day life!

What about housework? Will he expect you to do it, while he hangs around waiting for you to complete it, so you can go to the pub, or will he scuttle on out without you?

Dont waste another year of your life waiting for him to be ready to share a home....

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 12:56

you're right :(

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Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 13:45

thought he may have text me today to see how i was after our "chat" last night but nothing - time to get some dignity back i think....

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2012 14:10

It's hard kicking the first serious one to the kerb after you've exited a long-term relationship but the good news is that it makes it a lot easier to do the same thing to subsequent bad choices. Having wasted too much of my life on a man that saved up all his bitterness and moodiness for when he was drunk (which he was on an increasingly frequent basis) I know you're best shot of this one. Life's too short.

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 14:14

its going to be very hard as we have a large number of mutual friends but i have no choice x

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2012 14:48

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You do have a choice really with this bloke and the one I would make is to cut your losses now.

Work on rebuilding your own life post separation from your H without this individual in it. He seems like bad news; for a start he does seem extremely fond of drink and says nasty things when drunk. You seem far more into him than he is into you. I think if he was to choose between the pub and you he'd choose the pub.

Why do you feel lonely on your own?. That needs addressing on your part because it is truly not the case; being alone does not equate to being lonely. I think you're lonely now in this relationship and also think a period of time without having a relationship at all would actually do you a lot of good. Love your own self for a change!. You do not need such a man like this chap to validate you. Y0u validate you.

SuperSesame · 04/10/2012 14:55

It sounds like he might be ending it tonight from what you've said.
I remember the feeling of coming out of a similar relationship after a very long term one and it did suck.
But treat it as your quite long rebound guy, and now you are ready to be your wonderful self for a while before embarking on anything new.
Being in love makes this hard, but....isn't love supposed to be a two way thing and it doesn't sound like he's in love with you.
No one derserves to be spoken to like the way he was speaking to you.

LemonDrizzled · 04/10/2012 14:57

Good post Attila
Especially the final paragraph

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2012 15:01

Jog on

His drunken chats are childish but the truth is there plain as day - he doens't want to settle down and he doens't want to commit, don't waste your time with soemone like this

Millymollymummy · 04/10/2012 15:55

when i read my posts back i actually irritate myself - how weak am i?!

i beat cancer a number of years ago and am a strong and capable woman - yes, i love him but as someone said i have to love myself more. I dont deserve to be treated the way he has been treating me.

He has just text me to say he loves me but i dont believe him anymore.

He can always talk a good game but in reality he is treating me like a twat.

x

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izzyizin · 04/10/2012 20:32

A lot of them can talk a good talk, but very few of them can walk it like you've done, honey.

You are one amazing woman and the stark truth is that this man isn't worthy of you.

Ditch this drain on your energy and spend the time you'll save on yourself.

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