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If I invite a friend to stay as long as she needs (fleeing EA)...

(16 Posts)
BertieBotts Wed 03-Oct-12 21:41:13

How long do you think this is likely to be, in reality?

She's stuck at the moment because if/when she splits up with her P, he wouldn't let her stay in the house. In fact, she is afraid to. He also refuses to leave. So she ends up making up with him again every time she makes a break for it because she has nowhere to go and she's too afraid to live in the house with him while he's angry with her.

I've told her the options when she leaves are to present at council as homeless, and hopefully get housed in a B+B, or to contact women's aid/local DV organisation and get housed in a refuge, but even though both options are temporary she's too scared. I guess she'll get to a point eventually where she'd go through anything to get a safe place of her own but she's not there yet.

I've told her she's welcome here for as long as she needs to stay but realistically how long is this likely to be? I don't think I'd mind having her here but it would be very cramped.

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 21:42:41

Are you single and do either of you have children?

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 21:44:39

Are you single and do either of you have children?

BertieBotts Wed 03-Oct-12 22:19:48

I am effectively single (Have DP but he lives abroad currently)

I have a DS aged 4, she has a DS aged 4 and a DD under a year.

I only have 2 bedrooms, and couldn't fit another bed in DS's room - so he'd have to sleep on the floor or top and tail. She could sleep on a sofa bed and I have a travel cot somewhere.

BertieBotts Wed 03-Oct-12 22:21:10

My point being - it wouldn't be feasible long term, maybe for a couple of weeks or so. But I'm worried that the council or whoever would continue to fob her off because she had a place to stay and then I'd be stuck in that situation, I wouldn't want to tell her to leave!

HissyByName Wed 03-Oct-12 23:48:08

Talk to shelter about this, they'll help you help her without putting either one of you at a disadvantage.

You are a truly brilliant friend. She's lucky to have you!

Feckbox Thu 04-Oct-12 00:14:16

you are a true friend

NeDeLaMer Thu 04-Oct-12 00:36:24

I would say to her that she is always welcome, but as it's not a situation that would work long term you'd rather see her permanently housed. It's best if she applies as a homeless person with kids - BUT I'm pretty sure that if you said it's short term only and gave her a letter to say as of x date she HAS to move out, they'd take that as homeless <someone on here had to get her Mum to do that and it was fine, even though her Mum actually had spare rooms>.

Just get her out of there, worry about the practicalities later!

Numberlock Thu 04-Oct-12 08:07:03

Just get her out of there, worry about the practicalities later

That's exactly what I was going to say. Just get her out of there and don't worry about timescales of how long it may take to get her re-housed. You can help her arrange all that once she's with you.

You're doing the right thing, best wishes to you and your friend.

Hopeforever Thu 04-Oct-12 08:12:37

It s wonderful that you are such a great friend

My concern is that should she come to your home she will be missing out on the valuable support that WA could provide for her

For example, how to prepare to leave and what to bring
The chance of being higher on the rehousing list
Emotional and practical support in letting go of her ex and moving on
Support for the kids
A safe place her ex can't find her

I expect you will be very supportive of her emotionally, but it's a big thing to take on. Be honest with yourself

Numberlock Thu 04-Oct-12 09:45:07

Some good points raised there, hopeforever.

Perhaps the OP could ring WA on her friend's behalf and get their advice on the best way to handle this, the following being the key point I think:

A safe place her ex can't find her

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 04-Oct-12 09:55:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies Thu 04-Oct-12 10:00:39

I did this. I was 3 months preg. when she arrived. She was mant to stay for 6 weeks.

The baby was 3 months OLD when she left hmm

It strained our friendship almost to breaking point. I kept reminding myself of the karma points smile

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Thu 04-Oct-12 10:04:56

I would only worry that he might come to your home and put you and the DC at risk as well. But see that there's not many other options...I'd be like you too....but would also be afraid.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Thu 04-Oct-12 17:39:04

If she's afraid of him then I'm assuming there's an underlying threat of physical violence if she gets out of line? Tbh, with two young children in the house, the last thing you want is him turning up. She'd be better off at a shelter where she could get the proper protection and support that she needs.

NatashaBee Thu 04-Oct-12 17:47:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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