Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

domestic violence

(85 Posts)
combobulated Wed 03-Oct-12 20:34:23

I have posted before about my husband being violent towards me. Always people on this board give me good advice but I never follow it and I dont know why. The violent outbursts are not constant and things settle down in between and then boom it happens again.

At the weekend after a row he bit me hard on my back and has bruised all down my arms where he grabbed me I have had enough. I am having to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises as though it is my dirty secret. On Monday morning I walked into a police station to report this but backed out at the last minute.

I dont even know why I am typing this but I need to get it out.

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 10:12:16

it is like op wants a colleague to do her stuff for her - take on a mothering role and tell her what to do. so i get what izzyiain is saying -- yo cant tjust wait for someone to notice...they might notice but jsut whisper by the water fountain oh ahve you seen Combobulated terrible eh? and they will do nothing unlesss they actually have knowledge or experience...

but op you cant expect them to do take you by th hand and lead you..unless you ASK one of them - and tell them please could you com iwth me to police, my h beat me up.

unless one of them has personal expereince they wont know what to do, they will say oh dear poor thing and that is it...op his is crunch time, you need to take charge not wait for someone else to hold your hand and tell you.

go to GP, tell all. ASK for the help and support that is available from local services.
go to police again and walk in an ask for dv officer. tell them you need him removed, today and charged. tell you colleagues boss that you need time out because you need to charge h with assault...

take it from there.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 04-Oct-12 10:26:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 10:28:06

I just think it would be a positive and symbolic start in admitting to others that the relationship is violent for the OP to leave the long sleeves off. Others cannot resolve this but the OP is so far away from walking into a refuge or asking a GP that any movement in the right direction and which rejects shame and secrecy is a step forward.

Lueji Thu 04-Oct-12 10:49:04

FWIW, there's no point in confiding in people.
Unless you want them to help you with your exit.

You have to tell them, tell everyone and the police.

First, though, make sure you do have an exit strategy. I left too much in a hurry and it was a bit harder.

But the point is that you have to leave or make him leave.

The "good" times are just so that you feel that it's not too bad. And he is trying to make you feel guilty, as if it was your fault that he hit you because you made him angry. And he is a saint because he didn't hit you harder? FFS!

Remember that whatever happens after you leave cannot possibly be worse than living like this.
And it won't be long until he starts hitting the children as well, unless you shield them, and then you get it, possibly also in front of the children.
Is that the life you want?
To be living in fear in your own home?

olgaga Thu 04-Oct-12 11:06:23

OP, he won't change, and it will escalate. You are not alone in your reluctance - the police and CPS are very much aware that women experience an average of 35 incidents of domestic violence before reporting an incident to the police.

Please, at least talk to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

You might also try the police non-emergency number 101 as a first step. They will encourage you to report it, but they will put you in touch with the domestic violence unit - rather than walking into a station and talking to a random desk sergeant.

ChooChooLaverne Thu 04-Oct-12 11:07:50

combobulated FWIW if you were a friend/colleague of mine and you confided in me at work I would do everything I could to help you. If you have someone at work who you think you could tell, even if it's just to admit out loud to someone you know, then do. Sometimes just admitting it to someone who knows you can help you on the road to getting out.

Just be aware that they might not know what to do if they have no experience of DV. But, telling them might help you get rid of some of the shame - it's not your fault, it's his.

Don't stop posting - everyone on here wants the best for you.

Lueji Thu 04-Oct-12 11:36:56

women experience an average of 35 incidents of domestic violence before reporting an incident to the police.

The sad thing is that many women will be above that, being an average.

I got out after the 2nd episode, and was one too many that I put up with.
It really makes me feel sad that women put up with this behaviour for many more episodes than that and can't even imagine what it feels like to live like this for months and months.

The problem is that the longer you "allow" it, the harder it is to find the strength to do it, IMO, and the more "normal" it feels and the more he feels entitled to behave like this.

And, yes, you are allowing it to happen, because you haven't left yet.
It's not your fault, but your life (and your children's) is in your hands, and you must act on it. Do not be passive and hope for the best.
He won't change, only for the worst. sad
And don't be afraid of the future without, you should be afraid of the future with him.

BTW, a friend was hit by her husband and she told me in front of him. A few weeks later he grabbed her throat. No marks this time. He didn't stop did he? He's not likely to stop and she is more likely not to challenge his selfish behaviour again. sad

Only by distancing yourself can you possibly be safe from men like this.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 12:24:03

Please consider contacting Women's Aid. They are experienced and they will help you.

Longtalljosie Thu 04-Oct-12 12:30:48

Is there anyone you can tell in real life? Literally anyone, just to get the ball rolling. You will feel so relieved. We're a start - but I understand why the police seems like such a big step. I mean - clearly, I wish you would - but more than anything I'd like to see you safe.

Could you send your mother / a friend an email saying "DH has attacked me, I have been suffering from domestic violence for 3 years. I can't bring myself to tell you this face to face but I need your help"?

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 16:24:34

Just catching up with all your replies really busy today with work.

Reading through really struck a chord, made a promise to myself today to take positive steps, things have settled down at home now so kind of hard to pack up and leave right now but I do understand that this is not how a marriage should be and I dont have to put up with it. I dont even want to try and reason with him he always makes me feel as though its my fault this is happening and I'm not going there.

What really made me think was the 35 accounts of domestic violence statistic i have not kept count but would say it has happened around 20 times.

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 16:25:47

just remember the cycle of abuse. of course it seettles down in between
that is why/how you keep staying.

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 16:26:38

resolve that the next time any of this happens you will go straight to police no messing about dial 999 .

make practical plans just in case

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 16:32:26

I will I actually cant handle anymore. I Have been checking my finances today have managed to save some money this year to give me a headstart should I need it

blackcurrants Thu 04-Oct-12 16:52:04

I heard a colleague say something once that really chilled me to the bone-

"A lot of women stay in abusive relationships, but those who leave, leave in two ways: they walk out the door - or they're carried out."

It does sound like his violent treatment of you is getting worse. Do you want to find out how much worse, or do you want to walk out one day and not be hurt any more?"

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 16:54:07

A little running away fund is a very practical step that will help you. That's a real achievement.

Have you thought about the next step you might take?

Cover your tracks please. Internet history, that kind of thing. (some posters on here and more importantly support organisations will be able to advise). Take care of yourself.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 17:15:40

yes anastasia i WILL call womens aid. I dont know if I will get the words out but I need to do something.

Wolfiefan Thu 04-Oct-12 17:28:05

Just calling is a huge step. If you can't speak you can always call back. Remember privacy. (Here and when you call.)
You should be proud of the steps you are taking.

combobulated Thu 04-Oct-12 17:36:46

im on my phone on here which is locked he doesnt know the code so he cant view my internet history.

I will call womensaid later when im at home and remove the number

lolaflores Thu 04-Oct-12 17:45:46

combo just imagine if you will, a chorus of women, just like on here, cheering you on with nothing but love and hope for you. you are not on your own. even if it feels like it sometimes. if you go into the policestation/women's aid/a hostel. whatever. all of us here are holding you hand and telling you you are doing 100% the right thing and the best thing for yourself and your kids.

susiedaisy Thu 04-Oct-12 17:54:24

Thinking of you op x

struwelpeter Thu 04-Oct-12 18:58:21

Dear OP, see if there are some support groups in your area or a Freedom Programme. You don't have to be "out" to go, but what is important is that you will be among people who understand your confused feelings and you may very well get the strength to leave. Any fears, confusion about who gets abused and why, their reactions, their tears over a relationship that has fallen apart and the very fact that you'll get all sorts of people in a group - there is no such thing as "typical" people, just typical abuse and that typical cycle of normal, tension followed by abuse followed by make up and promises that are broken. It is his cycle not yours.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 19:39:03

That you have the intention of doing it, that it is on your radar is a huge step. If you can press the buttons, thats ideal, but just thinking about it shows how far you have come already.

If you find yourself lost for words, you have your first post or you can 'just' say, 'my husband is violent', they will work with you to help you tell the story. They will be used to snivelling wrecks, people who can't get the words out. They will have seen and heard it all. Those few words. I know they are big words, but you've managed to type it. The next step is saying it.

We really are rooting for you.

struwelpeter mentioned the freedom programme, if it's as good as the book, that will be a useful resource as well.

Leaving is a process and you have set the ball rolling.

HissyByName Thu 04-Oct-12 20:03:15

"Looking back, do you think that if you'd been physically abused you'd have got out from under quicker, Hissy?"

Izzy I was physically abused. But only occasionally at the beginning of our relationship, and again when I was PG and out of work, extremely vulnerable.

Later, when he really went for it again, I was thousands of miles away, 4 storeys up in a building with no lift and a 2 yo. I'd never have made it down to the ground floor with luggage AND the child, so what to leave behind the first time I go?

Even assuming I had got downstairs with luggage and DS, i'd have to find a cab, 99 times out of 100, I'd have been sexually abused, ripped off or both. I'd have to have fleed to a hotel as airport over 300km away.The sexual harassment would be extremely likely in any hotel, even 4 star, it's the culture dontya know. hmm

So no, I didn't get out then. I had to stay put, and wait for the time to come when I could come home.

I came home a few months later, 8m after he followed, I thought he deserved a chance in a normal country to be a more normal human being. I was wrong, but at least I know. I tried. sad

He never hit me again, because in the 8m I had on my own in the UK, before he came back, I'd found MN and knew the score. I didn't have the strength to leave, but I had the strength to resist and to stand my ground. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to admit defeat, but I should done, I wasted precious time in my life. I just built on that slowly, asking questions, putting 2 and 2 together.

Half of me accepted the blame for him hitting/kicking me. Physical abuse in my story was better than the WEEKS of verbal tearing to shreds my Ex did. At least a kick was over and done with quicker.

the guy that our OP is dealing with is a WHOLE other kettle of fish, he is extremely violent, he is escalating and he sees he is entitled to do whatever he likes.

My dear love OP, you are in danger, I know you don't want to believe it, you don't want it to be so, but please know that we none of us want to believe it, we none of us want to see these men for the monsters that they are. He WILL kill you.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US would wave the magic wand, even now, years on, to wipe all that nasty away, to make him normal. We can't make him normal. He's not normal.

Have you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT? By Lundy Bancroft. I didn't for months, but eventually did, after he had left. It took away all the pain I had, all the guilt and the self criticism that was going on the time, i realised that none of it was my fault, that he CHOSE to be the way he was and that he could choose to be nice, but he didn't want to.

Please forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong, in fact you gave someone a chance, that's never a wrong way to think. He abused you, your trust, and your family, he will not stop, he will only get worse.

he's already being extremely violent towards you, you don't have much time.

Please call WA, you are precisely the woman they need to hear from, you are not making a mountain out of a mole hill, rather the opposite. We've all done that, but you will have the rest of your life to come to terms and heal.

Please don't be a victim, another statistic. Please don't let him do this to you, please save your children, save yourself.

Lueji Fri 05-Oct-12 01:21:51

Just sending a hug and hoping that all works out.
Stay strong and don't over think it.
You know what you need to do.
Don't feel sorry for him, don't be afraid.

When I decided I had had too much, I just waited for an excuse and left with DS. No packing even.
Our safety was much more important.

Good luck with WA.

Natmu Fri 05-Oct-12 01:39:12

I cannot imagine what this must be like for you OP. You are so brave to have got this far. Please keep posting and we will stand by you. Holding your hand....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now