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New relationship

(4 Posts)
bm900 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:12:13

Need some advice on a 'relationship' i have been having with another guy about where it is going and what i should do. I ultimately know only i can be the one to decide what to do but would be good to have some advice and comfort of people been in a similar position.

Firstly i met this guy back in June this year and we hit it off straight away. After a couple of dates we agreed we were interested in only seeing eachother and he wasn't interested in meeting other people. This was agreed mutually and at that stage i said it would be nice to meet up once a week for drinks and meals out just to get to know him more.

Three months on from this he will not give status to the relationship and to be honest it doesn't make me feel good emotionally! I said why won't he use the term bf and he said it makes him feel tied down but he says he is not scared of committment, however he is always contradicting himself.

He makes plans then changes them, does not text for 4 days or more than a week and never answers the phone. He is in the closet and only a couple of close friends know he is gay but he said he would never come out to his parents and that i would never be introduced to anyone as his partner/boyfriend. He does not like labels which makes me think he is not comfortable being who he is. He also tells me he is separated from his wife but that is not really an issue as he says that he has no feelings for women and that his marriage was over 17 years ago.

We have only just started getting physical as i did not want to rush things but the fact remains he won't give our relationship boyfriend status and the fact i won't be introduced as boyfriend makes me feel worthless and something to be ashamed of.

I hate secrets, lies and pretending something your not, so how the hell as a gay man who is out but only to close family and friends have a successful relationship with a man who is not out to his family? I never tell people my sexuality as it is private and none of their business so i understand people who he doesn't know is not an issue. But if you can't tell your own parents then something is drastically wrong.

I told him i love him and he said the same but he can't actually say the word love back. I am not prepared to wait around for him and if he truly loved me he would make the effort to see me more often and include me in his life wouldn't he.

Is this relatinship ever going to progress into something long term and meaningful?

P.S. He said from the start he wanted a partner and something long term so why do these men do this?


madonnawhore Wed 03-Oct-12 16:21:49

I think if you're out and he's not, that's already a massive barrier to you being able to have a relationship on an equal footing. And I think you should think long and hard about whether one of your criteria for a long term partner is that they're out too.

I get from your post that you're focusing all on him and his circumstances and what he's doing. He's still married, he's still in the closet, he won't include you in any meaningful way into his life.

Instead of tying yourself in knots worrying about how you can make him give you what you want it's okay for you to say "Do you know what? What you're able to offer me isn't what I want or need right now. I care about you a lot but I deserve more. So if/when you're prepared to meet me on a level once you've sorted your life out, then you know where I am."

Let him get his shit together first. He needs to be out and he needs to be divorced at the very least before he should be thinking about starting a relationship with anyone else.

So sorry for you that you seem to have got caught up in his mess.

hoopieghirl Wed 03-Oct-12 19:28:37

Seems the two of you are on completely different pagws at the moment. And tbh sounds as though he is messing u around. Let him go sort his life out and don't waste your time on someone who can't or won't commit you deserve better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 10:14:38

"Is this relatinship ever going to progress into something long term and meaningful?"

If this man has been single for 17 years and isn't comfortable calling you his boyfriend then I don't think that's going to change any time soon. BTW if a 'couple of close friends' know he is gay, his parents probably do as well.

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