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It's like he wants ME to commit, but HE doesn't want to commit to ME

(17 Posts)
TambianLoco Wed 03-Oct-12 15:54:28

My boyfriend recently met my children and has been coming down to my house and we're all getting on great.

It's becoming apparent however that he doesn't want to show the same commitment to me. He has kids, two that he see's every saturday night yet he hasn't once suggested I meet them. All he has said is that on Christmas day, he might have to spend the morning with me and then the afternoon with his kids and then added "anyway who knows, might be that you could meet them sometime". I kind of take it that he feels his kids feelings are more important than mine, that his kids need protecting from it for some reason - maybe incase we don't last but then shouldn't the same consideration have been shown for my kids?

He's so bloody touchy about everything like this. Tells his family/friends little bits about me but not too much incase it doesn't work out - yet he's all up for coming out with me and my friends at the weekend.

Facebook - he doesn't want me to tag him in anything - presumably because he doesn't want all his friends/family finding out too much about me but why all the secrecy? We recently changed our relationship status' to 'in a relationship' and whilst mine just posted itself on my wall (no idea how to stop this) he went out of his way to make sure it didn't post on his wall or leave a big timeline announcement. Why all the hush hush sneaking around shit?

Yet he's telling me he'd love us to move in together. Shouldn't his first priority be introducing me to his family and friends??

If we see his friend's out and about he does stop and introduce me so I know he isn't hiding anything but it seems like he doesn't want me mixing with his nearest and dearest - even though I've let him into that part of my life sad

Am I being too sensitive? And is it fair enough if I tell him to forget about living together until he's willing to let me meet his family?

HecateHarshPants Wed 03-Oct-12 15:55:41

no you're not and yes it is.

Have you pointed out this inequality and how it makes you feel?

why should you let someone into your life who won't let you into theirs? Can he answer that?

pictish Wed 03-Oct-12 15:56:52

Did he ask to meet your kids?

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 15:59:02

I think you're dating my last boyfriend!

I dumped him after 8 months (not sure why I didn't do it sooner) - he just wasn't that into me.


CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:59:51

You're not being too sensitive. And definitely don't agree to live with someone if they are not prepared to introduce you to their family.

TambianLoco Wed 03-Oct-12 16:01:21

No Hecate, I've not pointed it out to him as I've kind of ignored it (even though it's been at the back of my mind) but it hit me today when my friend text to say she'd got mine and his ticket for the weekend - He's getting in with my friends, my family - yet I seem to be nothing to him other than "a woman I'm seeing".

Pictish, it came out mutually in a conversation - I can't quite remember the wording but I certainly didn't pressure him into it and even after that conversation I asked him a few times if he was ready to take that step/was it too soon etc and he maintained he wanted us to take that step.

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 16:12:01

And definitely don't agree to live with someone if they are not prepared to introduce you to their family

Sorry but I don't think he has any intention of the two of you living together. He's just saying it to keep you happy.

My situation was exactly the same - he was welcome at my house any time so met my kids now and then and was invited to things with my friends. On the other hand, he made it clear he 'wasn't ready' to even tell his kids about me (after 8 months) and I hadn't met a single friend or family member.

And his FB profile was hidden!

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 16:16:14

Do you find yourself making excuses for him in other aspects of the relationship? Eg do you spend equal time at each other's places, take turns to cook, share costs (eg if you're cooking at home one buys the food, another buys the wine and pudding), do you share driving/petrol costs on days out etc. Or is it one-sided?

HecateHarshPants Wed 03-Oct-12 16:17:02

Then tell him. Ask him. Say how you feel. Ignoring it is just making you feel bad.

KatieScarlett2833 Wed 03-Oct-12 16:19:04

Is he hoping to get back with his ex?

Hassled Wed 03-Oct-12 16:20:50

I can sort of understand the stuff re meeting his kids - after all, they're different people to your DC, and just because you felt yours were ready it doesn't mean he feels his are ready, IYSWIM. He knows his DC - maybe they struggle with change, maybe there are issues with the mother, maybe they're painfully shy.

But you're right to be worried re the other family and friends - he's either in this relationship or he's not. How long has he been separated from the DCs' mother? Is it sufficiently recent that he doesn't want to upset her?

TambianLoco Wed 03-Oct-12 16:22:05

To be fair he pays for the majority of the stuff we do together and 99% of the time he drives and will never accept petrol money.

He's told his kids about me, the same as he's told his family and friends that he's seeing someone but that's as far as it goes.

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 16:25:50

How old are his kids and how long have you been seeing him?

mydishwasherneverstops Wed 03-Oct-12 17:57:22

I think it depends on what the rest of your relationship is like as to whether I'd be concerned. Like others have said, how old are the DC? And what were the circumstances of his last relationship ending? Is it just that he's scared & wants to take things slowly but you don't have the same fears?

I've been with my BF for 18 months & he didn't meet my DC for over a year and I didn't meet his until a couple of months after that. We didn't meet each other's family and friends for ages either. That suited both of us but I can see how that would be way to slow for some people.

dippyeggs Wed 03-Oct-12 18:13:03

I had the opposite if this as I met bf kids first as they were older and had met his ex's bf... however as things started to go wrong (he went from wanting it all to nothing) he started avoiding me seeing them, subtly but obviously - although by then he had met mine as a friend....

All so screwed up this stuff!

I hope I have learnt my lesson - i.e. mutual meeting of kids - or agreeing to...

It is very hard to, as a woman, I find, be unemotional about this stuff, and men back off the more questions we ask. I find that so frustrating when at heart all we are trying to do is to resolve issues, be sane, rational and care for our families and loved ones... Anyone else feel that or is it just me!?

I really hope it works out for you - that you find some way of communicating with him that he responds to and gives you the answers you want to hear in the way you want to hear them. That's all we really want in life when its someone we love!?

Teansympathy Wed 03-Oct-12 18:28:37

Oh Dear you have got alot going on there or not as the saying goes , HE needs to MAN up and take responsibility for the 2 of you in this relationship you are not his mother, sorry but I dumped my ex after alot of the same issues , of not being introduced to his family fuelled by a catalogue of excuses for his divorce his kids who are adults , it went on for a year wish i had listened to my gut instinct and i should not have put up with his silly ignoring it all situation, be kind to yourself and tell this guy you are an all or nothing woman then maybe he will sit up and pay you the proper attention you deserve, all the best and hope it works out well for you.

rightchoice2 Wed 03-Oct-12 18:37:42

I have witnessed this so many times with friends. He has probably started off as he plans to go on. Some guys sing from the rooftops to all and sundry when they are 'into' the relationship, others seem to keep everyone at arms length. You are in the driving seat here. If the relationship seems one sided and you are not happy say something. Be careful what you wish for though having lots of extra relatives to worry about might not always be as good as it sounds!!

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