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unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do.....

(94 Posts)
lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 15:35:18

I found out yesterday that I?m pregnant, and this was totally unplanned and bad timing. I?m about 2 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure how far I am.

Background: I?ve been dating DP for 5 months. I genuinely love and care for him. He already has a 3 yr old DS to his XP and has to travel 1 hour to pick him up. I live even farther away from his son. The reason he?s living in this area is because of his son. His family lives 5 hours away. Prior to yesterday, we?ve talked about marriage and children. I already made plans to spend the Christmas holiday with his family and son. We made these plans a couple months ago. We?re very sure we want to be together. We have plans to travel, marry, etc.

When I told him yesterday that I was pregnant (via phone), his immediate response was that he would 100% support whatever choice I make. Later, when he came to my house, I asked him his preference. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He feels like our timing is completely off. He made the point about how our living situations don?t coincide right now, he has to worry about being close to his 3-year-old son, and that we don?t have family support. As I said, his family lives 5 hours away, and I was raised by my grandparents who are too elderly to watch a baby (we both hold full time jobs). He pointed out that we had plans to travel, marry, etc. I agree with all that.

DP doesn?t see anything inherently wrong with abortion being that I?m only 2 weeks. He said he sees it as a mass of cells and not a child at this point.
I agree that the timing couldn?t be more awful. I wanted to marry and make his son my stepson. I wanted to build a life together and have children later. The thought of having a child right now terrifies me.

I can?t help seeing the pregnancy as a child, though. I feel like an abortion would be wrong. I don?t know how I could ever feel like I deserve another child if I would abort this one.

I?m really struggling, though, because the last thing I want to do is bring an unwanted child into the world. I know he doesn?t want this baby at this point in our relationship. I grew up without a father. I don?t want to force him into a situation he doesn?t want to be in. Plus, our relationship is so new. I know this is legally my choice, but I feel he should have a say in this, too. He keeps telling me over and over that he will support my decision. I just don?t know what to do.

MTBMummy Wed 10-Oct-12 16:27:28

Lemon - I had an abortion many years ago (I was 22) the baby would have been born on my birthday, I had an abortion for a number of reasons, no partner, no job stability, minor drug issues - I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday after that, because all I could think was that I should have been sharing it with a beautiful little girl

I then had 2 miscarriages, I will never know what really caused them, but I will always blame the abortion

Luckily 3 years ago I had my amazing DD, again an accident, at 31, since she arrived a lot of my guilt has finally been released, the timing wasn't great, I had a job but I hated it with crap maternity benefits, I was in rented accomodation, had no close support network and was suffering with depression.

Unless you are extremely lucky, there will always be a reason not to have a baby, but may I suggest you speak to someone at Marie Stopes about their councling service, they really are good, and I wish I had used them sooner.

blackcurrants Wed 10-Oct-12 16:53:53

lemoncookie I had a miscarriage at about your stage nearly 3 years ago now. It was a long, heavy, painful period. I was very sad because I wanted to be pregnant, and it didn't work. But I don't blame my body for destroying or rejecting a potential life that DH and I had created - it was just one of those things that happened. Personally, I don't think it's a 'baby' at this stage. It's a potential baby. And sometimes your body rejects that potential, and sometimes your mind does. And both are sad, but both are absolutely okay. You're not a bad person if your body rejects a pregnancy, nor are you a bad person if your mind does.

I think the best gift I can give my children is to want them, to plan them, to be ready for them. Motherhood was such terrifying upheaval anyway, going into it in two minds, or with any resentment or anxiety about the process would have made me very unhappy. I'm glad I had the time to work out my life with DH a little, to travel a little, and to establish myself in my career a little. Whether you decide to stay pregnant or terminate the pregnancy, you're not a bad person. You can have an abortion and still not be sure 'how you feel about abortion' - what matters is how you feel about your life, and how you feel about being a mother in under a year.

Incidentally, I've got a 2 year old now and am pg again. I don't believe that I did anything 'wrong' and so was punished with a miscarriage, nor do I think if I'd had an abortion that I wouldn't deserve to be pregnant again later. I love being a mother, but it is a very intense state of being. I wouldn't wish it on someone who wasn't sure they wanted it.

lemoncookie Wed 10-Oct-12 18:00:38

In all my torment of back and forth.....I've never thought about it the way you described it, blackcurrents. I've never thought about it as your body could reject the pregnancy the same as the mind can. It's an interesting perspective.

Thank you for that.

And thank you, tabby, for checking up on me. It means more than you know.

blackcurrants Wed 10-Oct-12 18:17:41

Wishing you lots of power, lemon - (no way I could write that without it coming out as hippy drivel!) it's an unenviable position to be in. People say the BPAS councilling is unbiased and very good.
Treat yourself with compassion, whatever you decide you are going to have to be very brave. I am sure you will be.

tabbycat15 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:32:37

How ate you today?

tabbycat15 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:35:05


lemoncookie Thu 11-Oct-12 13:54:15

I feel distressed and confused, honestly. I can't decide what the best decision for me is.

I know that I don't want to be a mother. I'm not ready for it. I also know that termination is a choice I don't feel prepared to make.

Doha Thu 11-Oct-12 13:59:57

Could you go through with the pregnancy anad give the baby up for adoption?

runningforme Thu 11-Oct-12 14:09:02

Hi Lemon If you are not prepared to terminate, then I think that you should go ahead with your pregnancy. I don't know of a single mother who has gone on to regret their child/ren. However hard and however much the upheaval of having a child is, it is worth it all and then some. <hugs>

StaceymReadyForNumber3 Thu 11-Oct-12 14:16:47

I haven't read the whole thread sorry but something you said early on struck me. About him getting a say too about the future of your pregnancy. I got pregnant at 17 after 3 days of being with my XH. We were using contraception. I knew I personally couldn't have an abortion but I couldn't reconcile that feeling with forcing him to bring up a baby if he didn't want it. I felt he had as much right to decide on his future as I did on mine. I told him I would not be aborting, but if he choose to walk away then (at 6weeks pregnant, after only a month together) I would respect his decision and bring up the baby alone, never ask him for money/time. Never tell anyone I knew who the father was. And he would never have to see me or the baby again. He made the decision to stay.

I think what I'm withering on about is the fact that your decision has to be based on what is best for you. But if you feel like I did about your partners feelings/future etc there are other ways around it.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. An unexpected pregnancy is hard going.

blackcurrants Thu 11-Oct-12 15:30:54

Lemoncookie access some counselling. Get some ubiased help with this. There's lots out there: BPAS, Marie Stopes - these people are professionals for a reason, which is because this is really hard. You deserve help.

Apocalypto Thu 11-Oct-12 19:40:33

I don't know of a single mother who has gone on to regret their child/ren.

+1 for this. Could not agree more. I don't think anyone ever looks at their baby, their 2 year old, their 6 year old asleep in her bed, etc, and thinks "I wish I'd aborted you and got on with my brilliant career (or whatever)". Never happens.

I have two, the first conceived 5 weeks into the "relationship". Somehow we survived this and we both love them both to bits. Even though we are skint all the time...

On balance, you will meet more people glad they kept their unplanned kids than people glad they didn't.

chrissieagogo Thu 11-Oct-12 19:56:49

Without wanting to derail... I've known two women (one a family member, the other my best friend) who wouldn't ever admit out loud that, well they "regret" their children... it's not the right word... but perhaps they'd have made different choices.

My aunt because of some medical history that I don't particularly want to go into, and my BF - from childhood and to now - because of her personality, mental reasons rather than anything else; she's a very impatient, impulsive person and she's struggled with how... well all consuming motherhood can be. I don't think she was prepared for it, and although I thought maybe she had some PND, her son's 12 years old now and the last time we had a genuine heart to heart on this stuff a couple of years ago there was that old tinge of "what if i'd chosen to remain childless".

I don't think it's particularly helpful to reassure posters with "I don't know of a single mother who has gone on to regret their child/ren", because whilst that might be true, it's not true across the board.

runningforme Thu 11-Oct-12 20:39:28

chrissie as the OP has moral issues with abortion, and actually does want to be a mother (just doesn't feel that NOW is the 'right time') I think it is a fair thing to point out. Of course we all sometimes wonder 'what if?' But personally, I would rather wonder that about supposed lost opportunities than about a baby you will never forget....

DixieD Thu 11-Oct-12 20:39:40

I know people who regret having children. I also know people who regret having abortions. What other people feel is not relevant to the OP, it's what she can live with that is important.

differentnameforthis Fri 12-Oct-12 01:45:10


I agree! Women certainly DO regret having children. I was my mothers 3rd. I was unwanted, but she was talked into having me by her family & my dad.

I left home at 18. 20yrs on, we have no relationship. She just couldn't hide the fact that I was her burden. She told me at 16 that she didn't want me. And it has affected lots of my relationships since.

differentnameforthis Fri 12-Oct-12 01:49:17

Never happens

You can't say that it never happens. because it does. My mother tried to abort me using various DIY methods. I knew that I was different to my siblings, because I never felt a warmth with her. She never told me she loves me & part from doing what was necessary to raise me, she didn't show it either.

bumhead Fri 12-Oct-12 07:34:20

I have only read the first page of this thread but wanted to tell you that I was in this situation Op many years ago.
I had the termination and resented my then BF for the remainder of our relationship.
Your OH would only see it as a mass of cells, my BF saw it as like a 'tooth that needed to come out'.
After all, they didn't need to have the final say in the termination or live with the fall out after did they?
Decide what you and only you want to do.
You are 30, and there is never a 'right time' for a baby, they kind of just come along when they do.
I don't get the thing about his family being 5 hours away though, presumably he is around your age and has grown up sufficiently.
Anyway if he sorts himself out, this baby will be living with you both?
Apologies if this thread has moved way beyond my post, I just wanted to say that you have to decide for YOU because you are the most important factor in this, not your fella.

tabbycat15 Sun 14-Oct-12 11:06:02

I have been thinking about you. Just wondering how you were & if you had come to a decision.

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