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It has just hit me

(28 Posts)
xmasevebundle Wed 03-Oct-12 15:01:29

After a tough/lonely pregnancy, i am finally accepting what has happened. Im 28w, me and babys father split in early june.

We was together for 8 months i loved him dearly(he was my first love). Moves in together and even got a dog. I left him because he didnt want the baby.

It no longer love him, but there is something there that makes me so angry at him. We did everything together and spend all our time together. I cant stop thinking of what we did together and how its ended. Almost dwelling on it, i just cant believe what he done to me. I am a lot stronger and happier within myself. But i am now thinking am i even ready to be a mum? Im 19(shocking i know) and he was 25. Everyone has said to me, i never thought you would get pregnant.

Its very bittersweet, i am due christmas eve. So much has changed since, if someone told me i would be pregnant single and having a baby boy. I would of laughed in your face.

I haven't really spoken to anyone expect my mum and midwife about it. I always think to myself i wont ever find someone like him.

I dont miss him, i miss the person he use to be, and thats very hard...

kdiddy Wed 03-Oct-12 15:04:46

That sounds really tough. It can be like a bereavement when you're essentially mourning for the relationship you had, and the person your DP was, so it's not unusual to go through a similar emotional cycle.

You're going to have the most precious and beautiful way out of this, though, when you have your little boy so congratulations!

tethersend Wed 03-Oct-12 15:06:38

"I always think to myself i wont ever find someone like him."

Fingers crossed wink

The right man for you would not leave you alone and pregnant with his child. that's the bottom line.

Congratulations on your pregnancy smile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 03-Oct-12 15:10:15

No you hopefully won't meet someone like him . . . you'll meet someone better!

overmydeadbody Wed 03-Oct-12 15:11:16

I think it is normal to feel how you feel, you are mourning the loss of someything you think you had.

Give yourself time. Time heals all woes.

And take comfort in the fact that if you were only together 8 months you probably didn't know him well at all. You miss the person you thought he was. I doubt he has changed.

Things will get better.

You will find someone else, and that other person will be better than your ex, because that person will want to spend his life with you and your child.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:15:05

You'll find you're more than ready to be a mum. When you've had a little time to get to know your new baby your priorities will shift, what seemed important will no longer be important, and your criteria for a new life-partner will be in very sharp focus. Don't be at all surprised if you not only stop missing the person he used to be but find you don't want anyone even remotely like him either.

Good luck

AnastasiaSteele Wed 03-Oct-12 15:20:36

I wish you luck with motherhood - how exciting. You are due the same day as my sister - I call her expanding tummy my Christmas Pudding so I love your nick name smile

Losing your first love is hard. I have feeling you are going to meet your first true love in the weeks to come.

Numberlock Wed 03-Oct-12 15:21:00

I left him because he didnt want the baby

First of all, well done for making this incredibly hard decision. Obviously I don't know the background but if you had decided to get rid of the baby in order to stay with him, I am sure you would have regretted it and you may well have ended up splitting anyway.

I always think to myself i wont ever find someone like him

It's understandable to feel like that at the moment as you are still grieving for the lost relationship. But you are really young and have so much time ahead of you to do everything you want to do in life. And you sound very mature and wise.

It also sounds like you have a supportive mum and midwife and I am sure they will help you lots. Do you have any friends who could support you as well?

You will also get lots of support on here too.

i am due christmas eve

A Christmas baby - how exciting! Congratulations!

xmasevebundle Wed 03-Oct-12 15:29:40

Thank you for the replys.

I cant even think of being with another man(just yet) i almost feel guilty as he will never know his real father(i dont want him to have any contact when hes born, he dont either surpise!!)

He is a decent man, with a high paid job, no other children, repected me, treated me like a princess then turned on me?

I do know what hes done and i will never forgive him.

He hasn't changed, hes gone back to his 'friends' who ditched him he got with me. Gone a booked hotel,wearing a £200 shirt, drinking smiling? He dont care, which was hard to accpet but im more angry than anything.

I have expressed my anger writing everything down and i add to it every so often.

AgathaFusty Wed 03-Oct-12 15:38:38

I hope you will rethink your baby having no contact with his father (unless I have missed something and your ex was abusive?). He should financially support his child too.

You will cope with motherhood, and at some time in the future, I'm sure you will meet someone who is right for your and your child.

zippey Wed 03-Oct-12 15:41:14

It will be a shame for the baby if the baby never knows the other half who made them. You're both young so its understandable that he didnt want to settle down, but then its not fair on you either. He may not have been in love with you but he should think about the child. Chances are he isnt mature enough to fully understand his responsibilities. Its a shame that guys seem to think they can block out their responsibilites.

Good luck with the Christmas baby! Exciting times.

xmasevebundle Wed 03-Oct-12 15:46:04

No he dont want to be involed, i dont want my son to even be like him! Not a good role model. I dont want him near me or my DS.

It is a shame, he was my first serious relationship. He had a 6 year previous to getting with me fiance, she left him. I can see why!

Chubfuddler Wed 03-Oct-12 15:55:11

Doesn't matter whether he wants to be involved or not, if you are in uk he has an obligation to pay support and the CSA will get involved with that if necessary. It's not pay per view when a man has a child, he doesn't get out of financial support by shrugging his shoulders and saying he doesn't want contact.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 15:56:26

He doesn't have to be involved, he just has to contribute financially to the baby's upbringing. My friend's DD is about to turn 14, wasn't even acknowledged by her father until a paternity test cleared all doubt, and has never met him. Pride is one thing. Money is another.

xmasevebundle Wed 03-Oct-12 16:06:11

I do live in the UK. Csa i will contact, but hes already said he wants a DNA. Basically making it harder for myself.

He thinks the DNA will pro-long payment but they backdate it and he will have to pay for it.

Hes doing a tick for tac and its really really sad.

Which upsets me and he nos it does thats why he does it? Maybe i am blind to what he really was sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 16:42:55

I'm sure you didn't know him very well at all, sadly. Lots of young men are lovely when life is all beer and skittles but put something serious in front of them that means they have to grow up and take some responsibility and that's when you see their true colours. So far this one is a nasty, two-faced, self-indulgent, cheapskate who has tried to dodge the baby bullet by a) asking you to get an abortion and then b) claiming you slept with someone else. Not a nice man at all and it's very lucky you found this out sooner rather than later.

They do backdate the CSA payments and if he can afford fancy hotels and fancy shirts, your baby will be very nicely set up.

zippey Wed 03-Oct-12 16:45:11

Do his parents know, because Id be surprised if his mum and dad, his brothers and sisters would not want to be a part of their grandchild/nephew's life?

QuintessentialShadows Wed 03-Oct-12 16:49:26

I am sorry, he has treated you pretty badly. But your baby deserves to know who his father is, and his grandparents, aunts uncles. It is important to children to belong. As a mother you will learn to think about what is best for your child long term. Having a relationship with grandmother, can be beneficial for you too.

Do go ahead with the DNA if that is what it takes... Good luck.

xmasevebundle Wed 03-Oct-12 17:01:02

He did ask me to abort the baby, saying id want another child not this. Called his OWN son, a bastard. So you can see why i am upset about it all, its hard to accpet that.

His mum nos, his dad dont, nor his nan who he lives(i can walk to his nans house, under 30sec) He lives that close to me.

His sister has 4 DS and 1 DD, who are all very sweet and lovely behaved children. I am gutted that he will never no them, he hasnt told anyone i am pregnant because i think hes ashamed of me.

When really hes the what to shame not myself.

His mum has got more chance of seeing her sons child, than i have of getting with brad pitt. OVER MY DEAD BODY.

He rung me up once and he said you dont abort it, my mum will come over and stab the baby out of you, if your mum and dad gets in the way she will do them over too! CHARMING(she hears voices, on med and been in phyco ward for 3 years). She was shouting in the background saying ill do it. She also sqaured up to me and the bus stop and said im a fucking cunt to her son.

So i rung the police about a week ago, finally had the balls to report it! The police officer rung back and said 'what do you want ME to do about it?' I said go around there and speak to both of them.

He must be very pissed off i bought the police to his nans door, but i really dont care.

But yet after all hes done to me i still think of what he was like to turn into that? Was it is true colours? Or was it that he didnt get he wanted?

Rolls over in my mind a lotsad

Doha Wed 03-Oct-12 17:02:32

If he wants the DNA test let him pay for it as well...

There is something really special about a CHristams baby and you sound like you are going to be a terrific mum.

One day you will find someone who will really treat you and your DC well. There is no hurry...just enjoy your baby.

QuintessentialShadows Wed 03-Oct-12 17:03:05

That puts a different spin on things for sure.

AgathaFusty Wed 03-Oct-12 17:10:00

As Quint says, your last post shows another part to your story. Actually, if his family are as unhinged as you say they are, threatening to attack you, would it be a good idea to move elsewhere, for your own safety?

margerykemp Wed 03-Oct-12 17:11:11

Whatever you do dont let him jointly register the baby's birth with you.

He sounds like very bad news and he could easily use the parental rights he would get by being on the birth certificate as a way of getting 'revenge' on you.

Dont give him the chance.

If he is so determined not to pay child support the CSA will probably never get anything out of him anyway.

Dont listen to the people saying he has a 'right' to see the baby- in my book he gave up this right when he told you to have an abortion then physically threatened you. Men like him should NEVER get rights over DCs.

If you dont feel safe where you are you could contact women's aid about getting rehoused away from him and his family.

xmasevebundle Wed 03-Oct-12 17:28:38

He wont be at the birth nor on the BC, although he said it i dont think he would but i didnt think he would do this?

I think hes up to something saving up the money for a lawyer and taking me to court( he threatend full custody too) But it has ruined my pregnancy as im so worried about it.

He would have to take to me court for rights then a vist order?

My mum and dad are looking to move somewhere else but maybe staying in my local town.

He a liar which i have found out since, i guess. He denys the babys his etc but offers £100 a month into a bank account. I cant do because of income support, id have to claim it etc. Another way hes in control.

I see it as he cant get his own way/control he turns into that?

I still dont understand WHY?

zippey Wed 03-Oct-12 17:43:36

Some people have already said, but the info about his family paints them in a bad light. Its up to you what you do, and there are valid reasons why you dont want their family involved. Emotions are raw and its easier to show bravado when the baby isnt here yet. Once the baby arrives, maybe things will be different.

Important thing though will be to look after yourself and baby, have support from family and make sure the baby gets some of his money too. Good luck.

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