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Shitty shit shit shit - Why did i do that

(6 Posts)
argh555 Wed 03-Oct-12 13:30:51

Have posted before about whether or not to end my marriage (sum up: no intimacy, he wants to be, it makes my skin crawl but can happily think of others, having counselling for about the 5th time, we go backwards and forwards continusously over the past 6 years). and now.......we work together and he is out of the office for the day so, of course, being an idiot i look at his skype account to one of his previous girlfriends (when we were apart - fair enough), who he is still in contact with within a group of friends. AND of course, i have found flirty messages for the whole summer, including him denying that our holiday was with me and my kids, it was a 'work thing' apparently. i don't know if they have met up but it is flirty and mentions that it would be good to meet up several times. he is also denying living with my and our children! Talking about having to rent his flat out (he did this 6 months ago!). what do i do? tell him i have read it (makes me look petty and stalker like), carry on and ignore as flirty banter or just end it as he clearly isn't going to, whatever he is doing with someone else. The things is, i could understand him going off with someone else, god knows whilst he has my love and loyalty, he ain't getting much action, but why doesn't he just do it and go rather than constantly telling me that we should be together and that he loves me etc. Or am i over reacting? Please help me get some perspective!

StuntGirl Wed 03-Oct-12 14:09:37

sad What a horrible situation - for both of you.

While I think cheating is abominable I can see why he's looking elsewhere for an ego boost. Imagine how self esteem destroying it must be if being intimate makes your wife's skin crawl?

You have children together, have you always felt this way about him? If so, was he ok with it before? If not, what changed? Have you discussed this together and what are you both doing to address it?

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 14:37:59

Why doesn't he just do it and go?

Because that would mean losing houses, jobs, relationships with your kids - and probably someone to do domestic work. Plus he might still love you in his own way and hopes you'll love him again too, one day. Meanwhile, he'll have a secret affair to brighten up the misery and monotony of daily life for a while.

Think about why you're staying with a man who makes your flesh crawl? It's not because of him as a person or your love for him is it? Your 'official' reasons are because to leave would cause hurt to others. But your other reasons might be much the same as his.....you don't want to lose some other 'compensatory benefits' for you personally.

Bring it out into the open and agree to part, would be my advice.

argh555 Wed 03-Oct-12 15:54:10

Hi - thank you for replying - it really helps.

My relationship has been like this for so long, and it is at times really tense, stressful and lonely, however we really do care for each other (as friends and parents) and it seems really awful to break up a family on the basis of the old cliche 'falling out of love'. it feels so wrong for both of us to create such a difficult situation because of this though - particularly causing pain to the children. its why we are having counselling at the moment. i fully fully appreciate that my husband is in an awful position and i hate the pain i cause but have always tried to be gently honest with him when we've talked, we've arrived at decisions together etc. the thing that gets me about this is that in arguments, he always says i am not trustworthy and thinks i am up to goodness knows what (although when i would do this i will never know!) with and i am not and categorically never have been!! i have always been honest and put my full attention into trying to improve our situation.

now it turns out he has been flirting with his ex, arranging to meet and he says 'last night was errr great' with a blushing icon! i can't believe the cheek of accusing me for so long, and it was him. it makes me feel very sad and that the part that we did have, loyalty, friendship, trust, we haven't got anymore.

I just don't know how to bring it up though - do i confess to looking at his skype? i can't see a way to avoid it? and i suppose if i am asking for honesty then i better be too. any advice?

BethFairbright Wed 03-Oct-12 16:24:53

It's not really breaking up a family because of 'falling out of love' though. When that happens, the ramifications and impacts are much more than that. While you might care for eachother, don't kid yourself that the lack of feeling between you doesn't spill out into everyday life with the children. Especially now you've said that the relationship has been characterised by mistrust on his part and revulsion on yours. That's impossible to conceal to the wider world and it will always have a negative result - like this has.

I think being honest is best. I always think too that no-one snoops unless at some even subconscious level they mistrust their partner. I personally have no problem with people snooping if they sense they are being deceived about something.

Yes, if you're asking him to be honest then you need to offer the same in return. It seems obvious that a sexual relationship has resumed between him and his ex, otherwise I suspect he will only admit to what you can prove. Think about what you want the outcome to be though, before you speak to him. Would it suit you in some ways for him to leave to be with her? Do you think you'll ever be able to fall back in love with him? Can you forgive infidelity and would you want to with him?

SuperB0F Wed 03-Oct-12 16:30:24

It sounds like it has been over for some time, and while I don't want to minimise your obvious feelings of betrayal, I think that rather than focussing on this you should look at formally separating and coming to an arrangement about the practical stuff. He appears to have one foot out of the relationship already. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you seem to have tried all the usual avenues to reconcile, and now you are flogging a dead horse. I think you will both be happier if you make things official.

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