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Men just want to be mothered. Discuss.

(112 Posts)
zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 12:31:07

I think all DHs deep down just want you to be their mother with other benefits attached - sex, good conversation etc!

I mean in terms of being looked after - ie. ordered house for the weekend, food on the table when they get in from work, shopping and washing taken care of etc.

MY DH likes shopping to be all put away by time he come home from work on Fri night - doesn't like tripping over shopping bags when he comes in etc - health and safety issue apparently! I think he should just be glad that someone is doing the shopping and that someone isn't him! I have 2 days "off" a week when I'm not at work and feel it should be up to me when that shopping gets done in those 2 days. At least it's done before the weekend, and even if it wasn't is it a big deal?

And where does being a feminist fit in, if this is a male basic need (have read many books that say it is a fundamental male need!)

Any ideas?

OTheHugeManatee Sat 06-Oct-12 14:00:51

And apols if anyone has made this point before but 'Women just want to be fathered' sounds pretty revolting. Switch it round and it's still pretty offensive, not to mention acting as a get out of jail free card for the minority of men who actually are lazy twats.

Charbon Sat 06-Oct-12 14:05:05

If yours was the only post that said the same thing MaBaya, I'd be inclined to agree, but it's not and there's much more research in any case to suggest the connection. The OP's returned to the other thread now and so I'm hoping there won't be any more debating on there, as she needs our help. If you're interested in people's views about female porn use, it might be worth starting another thread in Relationships or Feminism.

eslteacher Sat 06-Oct-12 15:01:54

Well if we're making random observations, my DP sometimes looks at porn yet does half the housework without comment or complaint and has never indicated he expects me to do more. Beyond the fact that it would mean he didn't have to housework himself, do it himself, I am pretty sure he'd be horrified if I turned into some sort of wifey house-proud Martha Stewart/Anthea Turner hybrid.

Cooking aside of course - thats a different issue wink

eslteacher Sat 06-Oct-12 15:04:10

oops an extraneous 'do it himself' slipped in there...here's hoping its nothing too Freudian...

WorkingMummyof1 Sun 07-Oct-12 00:08:44

Expat - thank you for your response but honestly you are getting the wrong end of the stick - the OP does indeed seem to apply the mothered approach to all men, but as i pointed out i do not - of course it is not all men. However depending on which culture you are part of it can seem like most men. But yes you are right it is not good to generalise.

Your tone seemed aggressive to me bcos eg here you appear to call anyone who does the bulk of work an appliance. That is also judgemental (though that is your right of course). Have you ever thought that maybe these women dont have a choice? If you are in a good relationship then it is easy to look down on others not in one. It is not always possible to leave. If a man or indeed woman expects their partner to always do as they say and do the majority of the work it is controlling and disrespectful and a form of abuse. Some ppl are able to leave such relationships others are not. But you were equally disrespectful to call those ppl an appliance - very dismissive indeed.

PorkyandBess Sun 07-Oct-12 00:52:21

My husband does not want to be mothered, which is a good thing because I would have zero interest in mothering him.

Friends I have that have this sort of archaic set up are the ones that constantly moan about their lot/partners.

JessePinkman Sun 07-Oct-12 01:18:00

Zozzle (op) was on here moaning that her dh expected her to do more housework than him.

Because he works five days a week and she works three days a week.

If you don't like being at home work full time. Don't come spouting that men are babies. My dh is not a man child, but if he works out of the home and I am more at home I guess I am going to do more housework, and yes keep it out of the weekends so we can have fun together.

Why have you raised the same topic, do you just want to be told that you shouldn't have to contribute?

expatinscotland Sun 07-Oct-12 10:25:11

'Have you ever thought that maybe these women dont have a choice? If you are in a good relationship then it is easy to look down on others not in one. It is not always possible to leave. If a man or indeed woman expects their partner to always do as they say and do the majority of the work it is controlling and disrespectful and a form of abuse.'

There is always a choice. No one is looking down on people but you're entitled to your opinion.

Most commonly, however, it's a case of one person being a lazy, selfish, self-entitled twat.

BertieBotts Sun 07-Oct-12 10:35:48

How does it fit in with feminism if it's a basic male need... well, that's kind of the point grin Your books are wrong, just because something's written in a book, it doesn't make it true. Feminism challenges the notion that men need running around after.

Sorry, but no. Some men do act as though all women are in the "housewife" category. Most likely, they genuinely believe this through years of bollocks conditioning that's been spewed at them. They, or their wives, are probably writing the books! I'm sure that many women also find comfort in this role being a "defined" one, feeling needed, etc, but it doesn't have to be the case, at all.

If you feel like all men are like this, it's probably because people in general tend to gravitate towards those with similar opinions and worldview, and also because it is a prevailing view in popular culture too. (Feminists would say under patriarchy) It's really not the case though - I know plenty of men who are perfectly capable of running a house by themselves and don't need mothering. Once your eyes are opened, then IMO it's hard to find a man who is in this infantilised/child state attractive.

Charbon Sun 07-Oct-12 12:35:09

I often see posts that excuse unacceptable male behaviour and women's choice to tolerate it, by arguing that if a man isn't violent or sexually unfaithful, failure to do domestic tasks isn't really that bad in the scheme of things and even more bizarrely, that women have no choice other than to put up with it because it would be totally unreasonable to end a relationship over something so trivial.

Laziness and the expectation that someone will complete dull, uninteresting but necessary tasks every day of their lives simply because she is a woman surely is a big deal in an adult relationship. If women choose to accept that role and stay with someone with those expectations, then they are signing up to wasting away years of their lives, not only the cumulative total of hours spent on dross but because of the years they could have been occupied doing something more interesting, either on their own or with a partner who was a fully-functioning adult.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Sun 07-Oct-12 12:41:32

My husband doesn't want to be mothered. He's the one who cares for me. He does the shopping and puts it away. He cooks for me as he worries I don't eat properly. He's a sweetheart.

MaBaya Sun 07-Oct-12 13:00:10

We may disagree on other things, Charbon, but I absolutely 100% agree with that last post. Good point, well made.

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