Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice needed, not sure what to do about all this

(15 Posts)
unicornshoes Wed 03-Oct-12 08:24:02

Hi, my P and I agreed to seperate a few weeks ago but with some further discussion we decided we would try counselling as a last resort in the hope to resolve issues for the sake of the DCs. We were having problems for a long time, including him lying to me about silly little things but am not certain if his lies are just that. Anyway without dragging up all the details, something happened this morning and I'm not sure if I am blowing things out of proportion.

We had an argument, he repeatedly called me a dick, dick, dick in front of the DCs and I got quite upset. He tried to hug me and I backed away, asked him to not touch me so he then says "hows this" and grabs me into a hug position so hard it hurt my shoulders and squeezed me hard. He eventually let go and I said its not right for him to hurt me like that and he said well no-ones going to believe that I hurt you with a hug. He left shortly after that very angry and I called after him that I am going to change the locks.

I dont know whether I am overreacting or I should report him tbh. I'm not hurt but very shaken.

Lueji Wed 03-Oct-12 08:42:19

Not sure about reporting, but you should show him the door.

Lueji Wed 03-Oct-12 08:45:52

It's the lies, name calling and in front of children, ignoring your request, hurting you, and minimising as well as telling you righ away that you won't be believed.

At the very least go to your gp, ask for pain treatment and tell them why.

tzella Wed 03-Oct-12 08:49:00

"No one's going to believe you..."

He knows exactly what he's doing, the scumbag.

Let him leave.

unicornshoes Wed 03-Oct-12 08:49:34

It has happened before thinking back to when I was pregnant, he trapped me in the bathroom and forced me to hug him again when I was angry. I bit him to get him off me and he turned it around to be my fault, as usual.

I'm not in pain though, I dont have a mark on me. How can I get him to leave when he owns this house too?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 03-Oct-12 08:51:00

Overreacting? How? From his response it's clear that he either intended to hurt you or, at least, didn't particularly care that he had. This is about power, not love, and it seems most unlikely that counselling is going to help at all. He would have to be interested in what you had to say and prepared to meet you half-way. Childish repeated insults and more-or-less assault doesn't sound like someone that mature. Now he's squeezed you too hard, what's next? A little love-tap on the chin with his fist? How can you trust him enough to share a house now?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 08:51:38

As the definition of domestic abuse has recently changed to include things like verbal abuse, aggression and threats you may find an organisation like Womens Aid can give you some pointers on what to do next. To me he sounds like a man that knows he's lost, he's lashing out and that makes him dangerous and unpredictable. As well as Womens Aid and as well as barring entry to your home from now on, keep your children close and tell other people in your life what has happened. The more people who know what he has done, the better for you.

GolfOscarLimaDelta Wed 03-Oct-12 08:51:55

It doesn't sound good.

Are you really sure it's worth the effort to save?

The hug thing is very worrying. He hurt you and I think he intended to. And he wasn't at all remorseful was he?

It sounds like you have really tried. But there comes a point when it's just clearlt not going to work.

At the very least you need some space to process this so maybe you should ask him to leave for a few days?

unicornshoes Wed 03-Oct-12 08:54:24

He's just text and apologised for the name calling, didnt mention the "hug". I have said its time for you to leave but I'm not sure he will leave easily tbh.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Oct-12 09:05:40

He cannot even be bothered to have a conversation with you but has instead sent a text message. Again he has shown no real remorse for his actions and is refusing to take any responsibility for them.

You need both legal advice and Womens Aid asap; please do call Womens Aid today as they can and will help you here.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is ongoing abuse of whatever nature within it. The DC should not be the glue either to bind you together; its not fair on them to be placed in such a position. Such men can manipulate counsellors and make it all out to be the other persons fault.

You and yuor children have a right to live without fear; your children have seen and heard this as well today. What do you want to teach them about relationships?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Oct-12 09:07:41

What is the situation with regards to the property?. You have written he is the home owner; are you not on the mortgage or title deeds?.

If that is the case you must seek legal advice pronto and again Womens Aid can help you leave.

unicornshoes Wed 03-Oct-12 09:11:06

We are both on the mortgage and deeds, so I'm not sure I have a right to force him to leave?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 03-Oct-12 09:19:03

Try the Citizen's Advice Adviceguides for starters, and do get some proper legal advice as soon as you can.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 11:53:18

You'll need to talk to a solicitor about the possibilities regarding your jointly owned/mortgaged property. It is probably going to require applying to cour for an 'order of sale'

CheeseandPickledOnion Wed 03-Oct-12 11:56:58

Does he actually understand how much he hurt you with the bear hug? Was that clear, or does he think it's just anger at the arguement?

I just wonder (and I'm not trying to protect him here I assure you!) if he thinks that hugging will defuse the arguement and doesn't understand that he is actually hurting you?

Sometimes DH leans on my leg to reach over and hug me and it really hurts, but he always forgets that he's that much bigger than me so doesn't think!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now