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If you do understand about people's personality please explain:

(19 Posts)
Mypopcornface Tue 02-Oct-12 23:02:11

- in overbearing mother
- People who blow hot and cold (don't know how to call them?

And why they behave like this.

LFCisTarkaDahl Tue 02-Oct-12 23:04:13

Control for the first - frightened of not having control

Fear of intimacy for the second.

Mypopcornface Tue 02-Oct-12 23:17:12

What are their specific traits, how to recognize them?

dequoisagitil Tue 02-Oct-12 23:25:33

I think blowing hot & cold can also be about control - to keep the other person on the back foot and insecure - the hot & heavy bit to reel the person back in after being treated to the cold.

Mypopcornface Tue 02-Oct-12 23:40:25

but why? don't they fear the person won't care anymore?

ithinkimightbegoingmad Tue 02-Oct-12 23:45:58

i think they choose their victims carefully popcorn

crackcrackcrak Tue 02-Oct-12 23:47:26

Blowing hot and cold is a manipulation technique. It erodes the confidence of who it's directed at.
Being overbearing is less calculated - personality flaw?

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 00:38:55

The 1st scenario about overbearing is me worried about a friend who is not coping well wuth 3 kids. Everyone around her including her H adivises her to relax more and take things easier...

The 2nd scenario is about another her friend who started acting starnge for the last few months, blowing hot and cold, lying, avoiding me, than saying he misses me and wants to see me, than never have the time even though she doesn't work whereas I do work full time. I am always trying to find the time and make the effort and when she does not have a real or fake excuse not to meet she disappears...than appears 'missing' me again...
Last time I met her H, he told me something that made me very confused, it ws something along the lines: Friend loves me and really appreciates our friendship and it is 'funny' how sometimes, friendship with some people they want or feel they need to be friends with doesn't work no matter how hard they try, whereas whit me it is so easy and feel so natural...

After this day, she changed...

ah, and she wasn't there when he said this, I collected her daughter from her and everything was ok, than he collected daughter from me. said that, and things changed.

Or maybe I am just being paranoid...een though I would like to think I have a good radar...

boogiewoogie Wed 03-Oct-12 01:03:44

Can't really pinpoint the first one, maybe its lack of security or just likes being in charge, in control. It could be many things.

-Now, the hot and cold. I have often been accused of this by the one person who kept doing just that to me! Luckily, I am rid of him because he gave me the cold treatment but 6 months later who was lurking strategically across the street in the hope of bumping into me? <<shudders at memory>> Anyway, to answer your question, I believe as someone says it is a manipulation technique, to undermine you and eventually force you to lose the ability to say no to that person for fear of "losing" them. Yes, victims are chosen carefully.

monsterchild Wed 03-Oct-12 02:32:10

Sometimes on the hot and cold, it's actually not as strategic as it may seem. Some people just plain don't know how to be comfortable in a relationship. they expect you to dump them, so they dump you first, but then say that you made them do it, and they really care for you. then when you get back together, they are again cold, with the accusations and insecurities.

this can be manipulative, and it can also be due to not having any consistent care when they were raised. Now, I'm not saying they shouldn't get help or that its somehow ok because they are messed up. I'm just saying that they aren't always doing this after lots of thinking and planning, they honestly can't relate in any other way.

Either reason is a red flag and you should keep away from them!

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 09:02:51

Now I'm even more confused because said friend who blows hot and cold is so sweet I just struggle to see her as a manipulative bitch and it seems she had a very consistent care as a child and was brought up well. But I don't know her that well tbh, the friendship was in its beginnings. Maybe she just realised she doesn't want to hang up with, maybe there is something about me/my personality that she doesn't like and she is just too kind to say to my face so she makes excuses to appear busy...that maybe also explain what her husband said ....I have been trying to make sense of this for such a long time I'm exhausted. The only reason I keep trying is because our daughters are good friends but can't see each other anymore as she is keeping her distance. I met her briefly yesterday on my way to work - her idea and she knew I would be in a rush - to get her baby shower invitation and she explained to me that 4 guests already withdraw attendance and wanted me to confirm for sure...I said it would be a very busy weekend for me but I would be able to go regardless and I got the impression that deep inside she was hoping I couldn't make it....I didn't see it from her face, tone of voice or anything she said, we were walking alongside each other ans it was just a 'vibe'...maybe I'm too paranoid right now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 09:34:35

The first type is easy. The one who is blowing hot and cold simply doesn't want to be your friend any more, is only keeping up appearances when you meet and is too cowardly to say what they really think to your face. They think that if they let you down and avoid you often enough, you'll get the hint.

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 13:33:32

Thanks corgito, if that is the case I can tottaly accept this but I just think there is no need to say nice things about me and lie to my fave but I understand some people get a buzz in being fake. I have made a decision not to go to the baby shower, I will send her a lovely gift and just get on with my busy weekend and my life...I was actually going to make a smaller sacrifice just to go to her party but I'm not feeling I should go. As for my daughter she is a popular girl and she has other friendst is a shame she lost one but that is life and I did whatver I could possibly do.

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 13:34:27

Corgito why are you so wise??

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 13:58:27

So....I did txt her and she never replied so quickly! Lately she has been taking a long time to reply and sometimes doesn't reply at all. She made her reply sound as though as she is a bit disappointed but I'm just not sure what is real and what is not anymore as I caught her lying to me in the past even though I didn't rubber in her face I knew she was lying. I have witinessed her lying to people a lot too. She is also prone to dramas and lately I was taking it all with a pinch of salt. I am sad but I think it is for the best as I can't stand fake people/liars in my life. I will proceed now choosing the lovely gifts (a voucher and something else for her and the baby) - suggestions welcome - send by post and disappear. I wish people who as been in this situation would come and share experiences with me because rejection is always so hard to cope. I also wish I knew what I have done wrong because I'm sure things were good at the beginning otherwise I wouldn't had become inved with her. I have few friends and friendship for me is a big deal I don't call people friend if I really don't feel they are.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 14:53:49

Fake is all it is. These people often have a very big social circle of 'friends' and want everyone to think they're a nice or interesting person. But they don't want to put in too much effort and they have a low boredom threshold so they pick up and drop people when they lose interest. It's not 'rejection' so much as a short-term friendship running its course. I guarantee that if you texted this person that you were having some dreadful crisis in your life, they'd suddenly be all ears... because then you'd be a source of gossip.

Speaking personally I find it helps to separate 'friends' from 'acquaintances'. I probably have two or three really good friends of 20+ years standing with whom I can share sensitive information or would metaphorically wire the cash to bail me out of jail. Acquaintances I rely far less upon, I don't tell them very much about me and, when it fizzles out, it's no biggie.

Wise, no. Just been round the block a few times. smile

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 15:40:19

You nailed it Corgito. She txted me last week to ask about a gossip she heard. It wasn't about me bu it was about people close to me and people that she doesn't like. Well I guess I just have to keep learning the hard way. Maybe I am more naïve than I would like to think I am. I remember a counsellor saying to me some 7 years ago: - You do realize there is bad people inthe world don't you?? It was after my Narc ex dumped me. Unfortunetelly I did only one session.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 16:17:13

All learning is the hard way. We're all naive until we experience a few knocks. My first encounter with this kind of 'friend' was in the school playground and, once you've met a few and they behave the same way, you can spot the type that bit easier in the future.

Doesn't mean you give up on making friends or go around assuming everyone is bad (they're not) .... just makes you a little more selective, less trusting and you keep your guard up a bit longer.

Mypopcornface Wed 03-Oct-12 16:30:14

Yep. The more I think about it more red flags appear, the signs were there all the time. I remember her wedding. They were very much involved in a certain church and with all the dramas in her life, they managed to get a very big percentage of her wedding paid by people who attended the church and even honey moon. They had so much help and got so much things for free that I couldn't stopped thinking how good people they must be, so loved and well looked after. After few months she told me she stopped going to that church and seeing those people and couldn't really give me an explanation of why?...than she started going to other church and now they are going to another is really weird indeed.

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