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I'm such a fuck up why don't I learn!

(36 Posts)
Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 19:26:35

I feel really embarrassed to be posting this. I am a disaster with relationships I do chase the "spark". I finally realised what I was doing and was single since January and stopped focussing my all on a man. I would literally obsess and let them take over my whole life before.

A couple of months ago, I started seeing my DD (7) father. It was comfortable, nice, I stopped feeling lonely, really wanted to settle down, and have that "family" thing. He is a nice person, he loves my son even though not his, he brings round icecream wine and dvds randomly, and I would of said a few hours ago, wants the whole family thing with me to.

He was a car clamper, not the law on clamping and towing has changed he's out of a job, me being nice has applied for every job going he can do on his behalf, helped his Cv and printed off copies. Today he's round needed more CV copies logged into his hotmail to get CV and didn't log out.

Why why did I be so nosey! Theres emails to another woman saying how can he show her how much he love's her, he will do anything. theres one saying, boo you don't know how much I'm in love with you right now, and poems he's sent her, songs and pictures. Last one was yday!

I feel like a fucking twat. Because he's dd father I haven't been bothered putting in boundries like sleeping over as I would another new boyfriend. Iv'e just let him in the kids lifes, and let them see us and been so fine with it all. Let him do the school run so I can get to work less rushed, let him cuddle up on the sofa with us all watching films. Arghh! Iv'e also had unprotected sex this month because I am a Aclass idiot and messed up my pills, didnt get the morning after pill because my plan was after root canal, and didnt expect it to hurt like that. So stupid stupid me just went home went to bed and now been crossing my fingers.

So do I just forget I saw email, I doubt really really doubt he would ever leave me, and suck it up because I like the family aspect, and the kids and my family like my mum think hes the bees knees!

Walkacrossthesand Tue 02-Oct-12 19:44:39

Well, you can't just forget you saw the email - so perhaps you can be glad you saw it, because now at least you know you & he aren't on the same page re any rebuilding of a relationship - he's at least partly involved with someone else. Time to pull up the drawbridge again and get back into the 'single' mindset. I wouldn't want to be sharing family life with someone who didn't think it necessary to point out that he was in love with someone else - storing up grief for a later date. And fingers tightly crossed that you aren't already pregnant....

madonnawhore Tue 02-Oct-12 19:44:45

Why do you have such low self esteem that you're considering staying with a man you know is cheating on you?

That might sound harsh, but I mean it in a 'you need a wake up call' kind of way. This is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you or your DCs.

Out of interest, why did you get back with him? And what was his living situation before you got back together? Have you unwittingly saddled yourself with a cheating cock lodger?

madonnawhore Tue 02-Oct-12 19:46:26

And you're not a fuck up. He is.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 19:56:10

I know I should be glad, but I'm fed up of being on my own. Iv'e always been on my own with actual living with a partner apart from a short abusive relationship which ended with me in a refuge.

I don't want to get back to that single mindset. I forgot how much I liked cuddles till recently.

I know deep down I have to end this now before it gets any further, just feel really sad and want to stick my head in the sand.

He's renting a small house, he did get served eviction notice a couple days ago due to loosing his job. He didn't mention moving though.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 19:57:20

I am a fuck up, I'm actually trying to think of reasons and excuses for him.

Doha Tue 02-Oct-12 19:58:48

Gathered whatever strength you have left and get rid. You need to regain your self respect and knowing what you do about this man is doing you no good.

Tell him that you saw the email and tell him to sling his hook

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 19:59:45

then stop

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 20:09:45

It doesn't sound like a love job - more a case of 'he'll do' so maybe you were using eachother.

It's much better to be single than with a man like this. Of course you can't 'forget' the e mail, nor can you 'forget' some sexual health screening, as you've been having unprotected sex with him and he's clearly not in an exclusive relationship with you. I hope for you and your children's sake that the consequences aren't more far-reaching though, via an unplanned pregnancy.

Might be worth having some counselling about why you thought it was okay to sell yourself so short just to have a man in your life.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 20:15:19

BethFairbright Iv'e had counselling for this before, don't want to get to deep but the counseller would end up crying more then I was when talking about my past. Did CBT to. Because I am usually a postive person with lots of common sense it was decided I had had enough but yet I do still sell myself short.

Doha I am Just deciding what to say, want to do it on a phone call because he does just turn up.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 20:33:20

Phone call or text? I quite feel like being an utter bitch and emailing her, will control myself on that though.

BethFairbright Tue 02-Oct-12 20:58:46

Phone call.

You wouldn't be a bitch for warning another woman that she's involved with a cheat who's been having unprotected sex with another woman. I assume she doesn't know about you, or you're described by him as the psycho ex with whom he needs to spend time in order to see his child. She probably thinks he's father of the year hmm

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 21:17:33

Oh I expect he's "father of the year" in his eyes and anyone he talks about them to. I might just send a short and sweet email from his address, saying Iv'e just came across your emails I just wanted to let you know with regards to him being in love with you, it's complete utter bullshit since he apparently loves me and talks about marrying me to. I hope you find someone decent like I need to, having been off and on with him the last 8 years.

I didn't do phone call, I text "You didn't log your email out, I've seen the messages how much your in love with this woman right now. So yeah fuck the fuck off you lying cunt don't come back sniffing around me.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 21:39:55

that's great

as long as you stick to it

Xales Tue 02-Oct-12 22:02:34

Perhaps you need to try a different counsellor?

Also now you know he is seeing other women please get yourself to an STI clinic and stop having sex without a condom.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:31:36

Oh I will def stick to it, I'm completely fed up of being shat on.

Yes xales I would go for a check up anyway, and sex without condoms isn't something I normally do. Just me being stupid and not having boundaries, or him not listening to my boundaries should I say.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 22:35:09

or him not listening to my boundaries should I say

erk does that mean what I think it means ? Hope you are ok x

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:42:00

I meant with contraception, he knew I had messed up my pills and couldn't get a dr app to get any more for a week, so instead of using the condoms I had, he put it in anyway and kept telling me to shsh.

Wrote down that reads worse then how I feel it was.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 22:50:06

erm, I don't want to put ideas in your head but that is way out of order

you are correct in saying he didn't respect your boundaries, in fact he trampled all over them !

what were you attempting to say when he kept telling you to shut up?

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 22:59:25

I was trying to say hold on, A because it wont just (TMI) go up without any before bit, B because of condom. (TMI) I actually locked up and he just carried on.
I know I am a idiot. The next time he came over when I said I didn't get to take MOP he said well I don't want no more kids, you know what you would have to do.

Oh why did I even say he was a nice person. The more I think about it the more I realise I was in cuckoo land just happy to be with someone, and thinking I was being grown up sticking with my decision.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 23:06:25

he sounds like a fucking awful person, love

good riddance to him, eh

Opentooffers Tue 02-Oct-12 23:07:06

There are many other methods of contraception these days that mean you don't need to remember to take pills. Perhaps accept what you're not great at, and make a contingency plan. But also be wary about men who won't use condoms or volunteer it up. Yuck! If they have many partners - get an STI check just to be sure.
Many fall into the trap of using a man as self-validation. It's much healthier to try some time on your own in that case and learn to appreciate yourself and your worth. Then you will in time suss out more easily who is not worthy of you.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 23:08:19

Yup flushing that shit away!

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 23:12:49

opentooffers the implant gives me morning sickness as if I was pregnant, the injection made me bleed for months on end, the mirina coil gave me PID, the pill and condoms are the only method that is left. I know I do the relying men to validate me a lot though.

Inneedofbrandy Tue 02-Oct-12 23:50:11

Well he logged me out of his hotmail, no contact back from text. Am glad in a way I can't torture myself going through his emails no more.

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