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It's not going v well? Can I bend your ear?

(40 Posts)
nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:04:46

So sexually we kind if mis match I think?! :s it's got to the point I just don't want to any more. Dh has said I don't feel the same way that I used to and he's right I don't. I love him, but I'm not sure I fancy him any more.

I know there's more to life than sex, but I do miss it, it just feels wring with him now a bit false. I just dont want to. Tonight he's thrown a strop and is sleeping on the sofa. A few years ago I'd of gone downstairs and made peace convincing him to cone back to bed. Now I just can't be bothered and would rather sleep like a star fish.

Thing is I do love him. Just cringe a bit when I get close to him. This is bad isn't it? This is the first year we've been married and we have a year old ds together, although we separately have older Dcs too.

I've never felt like this before and always had a healthy sex drive. The thought of dressing up or even making a vagus effort fills me with dread. Is this going to pass?

likeatonneofbricks Tue 02-Oct-12 00:08:54

OP, it could be post baby hormones still out of balance? have you bf'd for a long time? also any sign of depression at all? Or do you mean you fancy others but not him?

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:13:40

I am still bf, but I have with all my Dcs and it's never made a difference to my sex drive. I am anaemic but again I've suffered with this all my life and it's never impacted. I expect I'm not depressed but anxious if anything, but again this has never affected me. If I do try to be affectionate it just goes wrong and I end up either going through the motions or feeling inadequate. I don't fancy anyone else that's not the issue. Anyway I'd never be unfaithful. I just feel like there's something missing sad

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:15:42

Last time we had sex I was in tears by the end sad

Helltotheno Tue 02-Oct-12 00:16:38

Didn't want to read and run but just some food for thought. Are you still bf'ing? That's a mojo killer for many women. I remember the years around small DC being pretty barren sex-wise but things got better.

One thing though that went by the wayside for me nearly completely was sex at night. When there was a choice between sleep and sex, sleep won hands down and pretty much still does. On the plus side, morning and other times are good smile. I definitely would say sex is overall not as exciting for us as it was at the start (which I must admit that I do miss), but other things have come into play which make it overall a deeper experience.

I know people always trot out the date nights and stuff, but there is definitely something to be said for at least spending some quality companionable time together not having sex, which might lead to circs where sex could happen. If you don't feel like dressing up etc, definitely don't because if that's not coming from you, it won't work.

With all the above said, if he's the type who throws a strop over not getting any, I don't like the sound of him!

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:17:15

This was the first time after 2 months of nothing and I just felt a but numb, not physically, that's all there, but emotionally detached. sadsad

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:22:02

Thanks hell no he didn't throw a strop about lack of sex, it was something else, trivial actually. But if he wants to sulk he can!

I am very very tired, but in days gone by i was far more obliging! Now I really just feel invaded.

Ricotta Tue 02-Oct-12 00:24:46

Sent you a PM

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:25:03

I feel really very lonely about the whole thing and I can't explain it to dh. What on earth would I say?

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:34:07

Thanks ricotta smile

likeatonneofbricks Tue 02-Oct-12 00:37:32

maybe something is missing emotionally? has he changed his attitude, does he make you feel special/loved still?
Of course it could be just the number of dc as opposed to the past that tipped the balance, I know you say you bf'd before, but now there is more to do with bf AND other small dc to deal with, aer you planning to bf for a while?

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:46:42

In the beginning my sex drive was much higher than his so after the initial fireworks I did most of the chasing I suppose. He went off me a bit when I was pg, not completely he claims not at all but it's made me feel a bit crap about myself I think. Its as if he only finds me attractive when I make 100% effort! Which in the early days I did, but tbh it was a bit one sided. I want to feel like he lives me all the time. I have tried to explain this to him and he has made some effort, but maybe it's too late. I just feel a bit revolting about myself now and don't want to even kiss him.

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 00:48:57

Regarding bf, I was planning to stop at a year. Ds is in nursery full time 8-6 sad I miss him! So I've carried on. This in reality comes down to 2-3 feeds a day, one early morning, one at 6ish and then again before bed.

likeatonneofbricks Tue 02-Oct-12 00:56:17

so how did you used to make the effort? you mean dress to please or be extra giving/generous in bed? he may be unconfident based on that - or lazy! But I did guess that there aer emotional reasons, maybe talk to him that you need him to show appreciation of you outside of the bedroom - just don't say it apologetically, and of course don't say you feel revolting, say it as 'what i want is..' in a confident way. If you think you can still fancy him if he's more loving, all is not lost!

likeatonneofbricks Tue 02-Oct-12 00:59:49

bf is affecting you too most likely, but it's not going to be for long, you can talk to him about this aspect at least, maybe hint that you are less confident about your body - if he responds with a lotr of compliments, that should get you on the right track. If he is a bit thick then you have my sympathy! I'm all for thoughtful men.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Oct-12 06:28:12

Feeling turned on by someone is mostly a mental process. If you're struggling I think it means there's something about your DH that you really don't like on a fairly visceral level. Sounds like you still resent the fact that he responded badly to the pregnant you. Certainly it's a problem if you feel you have to be 'perfect' all the time. Could be that he's been doing something else that makes you feel less than warm towards him. 'Love' is one thing, but if there's something unresolved or unsaid in your relationship, it'll act like a barrier and you won't be able to look at him and feel attracted.

janelikesjam Tue 02-Oct-12 06:35:08

Breastfeeding did not affect my sex drive, perhaps its different for different people.

Probably OP you need to think a bit deeper in this. I think you probably know the answer but perhaps difficult to look at.

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 07:51:14

Well of course it's never just one thing that tips the balance for me but several and it's all emotionally based. I just dont know how to get over it, or If indeed I'm making a fuss about nothing and being over dramatic which I know I can be too

I would add dh has apologised and has regrets I think about some of the things but i dint seem to be able to accept the apology with good grace and move on.

So the emotional things that trouble me are:

I had an mc and he refused to come home and be by my side no matter how I felt about a person at the time I'd never want anyone to go through this alone

When in labour with our ds he went out for an hour with a friend, stipulating I had my mum there I'd be fine. I didn't want him to go, but also didn't tell him that he got back 2 mind before ds was born, I was livid!

He goes on and on about anal, making me feel inadequate about plain boring sex just not my thing I'm afraid he knows I find it crippling but in the throws of things will still try it on, so last time I just threw him off and said I've said NO!!

He prefers to do he from behind, very rarely kisses my lips and I'm afraid it doesn't turn me on in the slightest as nothing that needs to be stimulated is. also I think it a bit odd he doesn't want to look at me makes me feel shit!

He told me a few months into our relationship that sex on period was actually quite disgusting and looked into my eyes and said just plain revolting -- no other partner has ever thought this-- I'm sure we'd all rather not but if you love someone it shouldn't matter should it.

I asked him to assist me do my bikini line
When I was 8 mts pg. He flatly refused while I was standing there. He said I'm not touching it, anyway it doesn't matter. Well it mattered to me.

I used to attempt to he close and he would day get off you make me hot. So now I dont bother for fear of rejection. sex is a 2 way thing not just for his gratification.

So now if i can get over the emotional baggage, I have to Make sure there's not a slight possibility I might bleed blush I have endimitriosis, so this is a tricky one I then have to blot out the disgusted looks every time he's said something hurtful. Hope that he won't prod me in the arse hmm and try not to cry.

God when u put it altogether it looks horrific. He's not all bad but clearly I've been hurt by these incidents.

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 08:12:46

I also didn't take any real maternity leave due to financial reasons and I feel sad I've missed so much of ds. Dh would have him at home when I worked if he wasn't working and perhaps I resented the snuggles. envy. Obviously I'm glad he was there for ds and sad I wasn't sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Oct-12 08:38:08

That's a pretty long catalogue of rejection and selfish behaviour in one form or another. Borderline abusive in some respects. Very unsurprising that you struggle to feel affectionate towards a man that's has done even half of those things. I'm sure he's 'not all bad' - few people are - but if you're stacking this cumulatively hurtful crap up on one side I don't think 'love' is anything like enough to balance it out.

You say you feel 'invaded' and 'lonely'. This is because he's spent most of the relationship chipping away at your self-esteem, showing very little consideration for your feelings and you've gone from being sexually enthusiastic and confident to self-concious and miserable. I think you can explain to him how he makes you feel but I don't think for one second he's going to take it seriously. Start thinking about a way out.

mummytime Tue 02-Oct-12 08:52:26

Does he have a porn habit?

madamemax Tue 02-Oct-12 09:00:06

Is he gay? Disgust at menstruation, unable to look at you, touch your 'bits', wants to do it from behind, obsessed with anal, goes off pregnant you...

So sorry.

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 09:21:43

If he is gay, he'd never admit it! No he doesn't have a porn habit at all??? I would know because we share all computers and ive checked what sites he goes on in case but nothing other than car orientated sites. Well certainly not in the 5 yrs I've been with him, he may well have been porn obsessed before I met him? He's my second husband and my first was obsessed with porn, but it didn't infringe on our sex life at all. In fact that dept was exceptionally good.

Currently I think it is doomed, but I'm stuck for now.

madamemax Tue 02-Oct-12 10:09:12

Have you thought about couples counselling? Would he be open to that, to work through together, or is it all 'your fault' in his eyes?

nobodyreally Tue 02-Oct-12 10:18:42

No he hasn't said it's all my fault at all! In fact he's spent the last few months apologising all the time. I don't think currently he'd be open to condemning but then I've never found it beneficial myself when I've had counselling previously. I agree it's brilliant for some people but I don't think I'm one that finds it helpful. I have tried several times before I even met dh.

He has actually tried quite hard for the last few months although can see he is struggling with the effort. However I just feel a bit numb.

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