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Is it possible to get into an affair without realising it?

(13 Posts)
Smeghead Mon 01-Oct-12 20:38:25

Emotional rather than physical obv!

I know someone (not me, I promise!) who reconnected with an ex on FB and began putting all her emotional energy into that. She said that she didnt want an affair with him or to wreck her marriage but that they had just clicked. I think, and I am sure her DH would agree, that what she is doing is already an affair but she doesnt see it. She showed me the messages to prove there is nothing in it and there are some that arent......inappropriate exactly but more in-jokes and "do you remember when...." that allude to their previous sexual relationship. I would feel that was very wrong if I were her OH, but as the wife of a man who cheated, my radar may be skewed.

I said that anything you cant share with your OH is deceitful but she just says that it is none of his business. She loves her DH but I think she is doing the Shirley Glass thing of opening a window to this other guy whilst building a wall between her and her husband.

Or is she just very good at cheating if even I am not sure she is doing it?

Bigwuss Mon 01-Oct-12 20:42:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greeneyed Mon 01-Oct-12 20:46:17

whilst it doesn't sound as if this has gone too far yet, if it is secret it isn't appropriate and needs to stop, she is playing with fire

Helltotheno Mon 01-Oct-12 20:48:55

I've definitely had conversations with exes about things that were specific to us when we were together... I mean during face-to-face meetings, which wouldn't be frequent. My DH would not be party to these conversations as I don't feel I have to tell him the minutiae of every conversation I have (and vice versa). I've never seen a problem with that.

I dunno. Maybe other people see things differently. The only way I'd see a huge problem with the above is if it was taking up all her time.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Mon 01-Oct-12 21:36:58

Agree with you in some ways Hell but this looks a bit ominous:

She said that she didnt want an affair with him or to wreck her marriage but that they had just clicked.

It's not very safe to 'click' with someone of the opposite sex when you are married, especially an ex.

Helltotheno Mon 01-Oct-12 22:08:24

Mmmm... again I'm not sure. I do click with people sometimes, I mean we're all only human aren't we? It's about what you do after that I would've thought.

geegee888 Mon 01-Oct-12 22:23:35

Gosh OP, you are very strict. I don't think your social life is over once you get married, and you may click intellectually,personally or as a friend with other people. I suppose you could live a more limited life in fear of overstepping some imaginary boundary, but that means seeing every form of socialisation with someone of the opposite sex as a potential affair, which seems a bit OTT.

She hasn't actually cheated or done anything wrong. Calm down. You are not the guardian of your friends' relationships.

putri Mon 01-Oct-12 22:54:32

I am happily married but I am also best friends with my ex. Dh is completely fine with it, dh + my ex like each, and we've had a few dinners together. And just so you all know, both of us are still good friends with dh's ex-gf. To make things more exciting, we put dh's ex and her husband (coincidently dh's best friend) as our children's guardian if dh and I pass away.

My ex and used to talk a lot. We were very good friends before we got married and so it's just a normal thing for us to do. Through our many deep talks we figured out what went wrong and we became better people because of them. Now and the we said "remember when" but they weren't to bring back rekindling memories, they just happened because whether we like it or not, we were together for 8yrs and there were lots of good times. DH knew when we talked and sometimes he'd butt in but most of the time he stayed away because my ex can be long winded smile. When my ex had relationship issues, I was there to help him and while it took a good chunk of my time, it's what good friends do. If he was my best gf, I'd do the same for her. My ex respect me to much to mess with my marriage and I love dh too much to let my ex be in the way. So no matter how deep or personal the talk was, we could talk to each other without getting into my relationship.

Now we're both married with kids and too busy to talk often/much. But we both know that if we ever need to, we can rely on each other for long talks and honest opinions and suggestions.

Sometimes a couple are better friends than partners. That's how it is with my ex. We click as long as we don't live together. I love him dearly but only as a friend... Or even a brother.

Smeghead Mon 01-Oct-12 23:13:12


As I said in my OP, I have been cheated on so I fully accept that my view on what is ok and what isnt, is probably skewed, that why I asked. Thank you.

Smeghead Mon 01-Oct-12 23:21:04


the relationships you describe are not the kind of thing that she is doing. The messages were "how are you?" blah blah and within 2 messages it would be "remember when we went to X [wink wink]" so harking back to previous stuff. Not supportive or best friendy, but erring on the side of inappropriate.

Its hard to describe without actually posting the messages, but it just seemed wrong to me.

I just cant help thinking that she is being drawn, or drawing herself, into an EA without meaning to iykwim.

Helltotheno Mon 01-Oct-12 23:57:26

But she's an adult y'know? You're making it sound like he's cast some spell over her that she's powerless to resist. All these things are driven by personal choices. There's no getting into an EA without meaning to (just to answer your question) or into a full-blown affair for that matter.
It's her life, her choices. What will happen will happen with or without you.

Athendof Tue 02-Oct-12 00:09:09

I am in good terms with most of my exs. We share a strong friendship and a good level of complicity. I wouldn't think for a moment that I am having/wanting an emotional affair with them, even if we talk on Facebook, laugh on the phone, etc etc. More than close friends, they are like family, we have gone through a lot together and we know each other better than some other friends do, so I don't see much of a problem with your friend talking to an old flame.

However I understand that some people are remarkably jealous of protecting the perimeters of their own relationship, so... if the wife/partner of any of my exs seems to be one of those likely to see problems where there are none, I keep my distances to avoid causing problems.

I have to say that I have never been in a relationship where I told absolutely everything to my partner, I think there is no better recipe to kill a relationship out of sheer boredom. People need privacy and space to be able to bring something into their relationship.

skyebluesapphire Tue 02-Oct-12 00:17:47

My STBXH was flirting with his best mates wife by facebook and by email, behind his back and behind my back (after he had walked out on me and come back...)

so during the 6 week period that he was back and supposedly working on our marriage, he was texting her literally all day every day... It would start at 8am when he left the house and carried on and off through the day until around 11.30pm at night, sometimes later. I counted over 100 texts a day, and 140 the day before we went on holiday. He was sending her motivational emails, telling her that everything would be ok in the end..... This was during our family holiday. He texted her right through Valentines Day, my 40th birthday, her holiday, our holiday...... He told her all our problems, when I didnt even know that we had any.......

They claim just to be "very good friends". Her H is happy with it because his best friend of 30 years "would not do that to him" (have an affair with his wife)........

You cannot be with one person and spend all of your time texting/chatting to another person. It means that you are thinking about them more than your partner and sharing things with them that you would not share with your partner...

So I think that your friend is wrong and that it can only damage her marriage ultimately

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