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Red Flags? Long!

(85 Posts)
Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:14:58

Got together with one of my closest friends about 3 months ago. We have been friends for years and got on brilliantly. However, since getting together I have realised he has issues with insecurity/ jealousy. For example a few weeks ago (and apologies for tmi) I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.

I was dating before getting together with DP and he still checks my phone to ensure neither of the men I had dated in recent months have been in touch, demanded to see the messages I had sent informing them I was with someone and no longer dating etc.

But what has really upset me is what happened over the weekend. We went out and he paid for me to go to the cinema. When we got back to his afterwards, I told him (and again tmi sorry!) I couldn't have sex as I have a yeast infection blush He assumes I'm lying to get out of having sex (?!) and then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!

He said this in a way so I wasn't sure if he was joking- although he was grumpy about the no sex situation. Either way, I was horrifed and very hurt by this comment. He later apologised and said because we are in a long distance relationship it's upsetting that we couldn't have sex for the short time he's home. He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood.

I don't know what to think now- As I said, I have been very close friends with this man for years and years. He is in our immediate "circle" and I know he cares deeply for me. I think he's very insecure about my feelings for him (he'd pursued me for a while and I wasn't interested). Am I over-reacting, if the cinema ticket comment was a joke is that still inappropriate?

imperialstateknickers Mon 01-Oct-12 14:50:07

Someone upthread said it's possible for a great friend to turn out to be a crap partner. He sounds like one of those. The bummer is that you can't now rewind to the friendship, and of course you're worried about the ripples that will go out amongst your immediate group of friends that you're due to share this holiday with. But a bit of embarrassment and a comparatively small financial loss are better than spending any longer with a man who is definitely trying to control you.

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 14:50:53

Yeah - it's brilliant that you are aware enough to have found him out so soon. Smarts like that will stand you in excellent stead in your life, as they are doing now.

You. Are. Right!

runamile Mon 01-Oct-12 14:52:46

I was literally open-mouthed with shock when I read the cinema ticket part. And there was no way that was a joke. I would be very hurt about that if I were you. It shows how unpleasant he is.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 14:53:55

Haha, twat radar well and truly functioning! My first relationship, first love, first everything, dumped me practically the second line appeared on the pregnancy test. Since then, I prefer to avoid relationships.

But I've always thought getting together with a friend seems like a perfect situation as you know and trust one another. I cannot actually believe how this is turning out. If it was any other guy I'd be gone already, the only reason I am thinking of defenses excuses is because I know him so well sad

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 14:54:45

Oh and also being a long-term lurker in this forum has helped massively wink

HazleNutt Mon 01-Oct-12 14:54:48

As others have already said - great friends don't necessarily make great partners. I have several lovely male friends (and no, DH does not check my phone for their messages) whom I would never, ever date.
Even if the cinema ticket was a bad joke, there are too many other massive red flags.

Lueji Mon 01-Oct-12 14:55:06

I agree:

In my experience "insecure" man are terrible. They will try to control you just to feel better about themselves.
If he's being like that now, imagine when he feels more secure about you.

He explained away his bad reactions because he later realised they put him in a bad light.
But the reactions were there and you should go with those.
If it was a joke he wouldn't have accused you of lying.

I'm in a new relationship, not been able to have sex for a while (longer than wanted, really) and there's no suggestion of lying or not paying for things.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 14:56:33

imperialstateknickers that's exactly part of the problem- the effects n our friendship group, we are very close. There are already plans in place for everyone to spend new years with him.

I was hesitant about getting with him because I didn't want to ruin our friendship , I'm so sad that will be ruined.

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 15:03:15

I can totally sympathise with you regarding the social set up OP. You must be going aaaarrrgggghhhh at the thought of it all.

Nothing...nothing nothing nothing is worth the pain of an abusive relationship. And I know you know that.

addictedisback Mon 01-Oct-12 15:05:58

Put it this way, I have had many examinations down below by Dr and the only comment dh has made was when I knew i was going to be examined by a male Dr, he asked why I was embarrised, nervous, scared etc hepointed out I could ask for a chaperone or he could come if I wanted. I opted for the chaporone and that was that.

We have 2 DC under 2 dhs parents came and took DC for the night and we went to a hotel. There was no sex, we hadn't had sex for maybe 2 months, but I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Dh was fine with that. There was no sulking, no upset no emotional blackmail and no obvious disappointment, because dh is an adult.

Narked Mon 01-Oct-12 15:10:48

Relationships bring out the worst in some people.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 16:37:47

He could tell I was being off with him and sent a text saying "you know I like you for much more than that (sex). In fact if that's what you think then I'm willing to not even do it for 4 months just to prove it" hmm

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 16:40:34

hmm indeed.

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 16:49:08

Send him one back saying 'actually I was thinking four never ever agains'

MMMarmite Mon 01-Oct-12 16:53:03

"Regarding the holiday, I'm concerned as he owes me money for the booking. I know it sounds petty but I genuinly can't afford for him to not pay me back, and as the holiday was my idea I can imagine him kicking up a fuss about paying me back . We are due to go with our immediate group of friends- I would not be alone with him, that would be far more awkward. But I kind of feel like I have to pretend everything is fine until after holiday."

This also sounds controlling to be honest. A decent friend would not kick up a fuss, they would make sure you weren't out of pocket, if things didn't work out romantically. Given his other actions, this sounds like he is using the financial situation as a way to keep a hold on you. If you wait till the holiday, then there'll be some other reason it's awkward to break up - it's better just to do it now.

I think trying to find another friend to take his place on holiday is the ideal solution - if not is there a chance of cancelling his place and getting some of the money back? Or, if it's like a shared holiday cottage, could you explain the situation to the other people on the holiday and get everyone to chip in a bit extra?

Heleninahandcart Mon 01-Oct-12 21:45:42


Soon, you'll be hearing you have no sense of humour when you don't find his little 'jokes' funny.
Then he will say 'you've changed'.
Agree you should try and sort out the money some other way, don't be a hostage to that deposit. Your are worth more.

Usherwoop Tue 02-Oct-12 08:50:19

I was due to go to his last night- it was his last chance to see me before he went home. However I didn't want to see him on my own so instead I arranged to meet him in a pub and took along a mutual friend.

'DP' actually brought up the subject of cinema ticket and asked DF for his opinion. DF sided with me, saying it should have been something nice within it's own right. DP kept saying, "but would it have been a nice thing to do" (return the 'favour') hmm DF still defended me and a few times DP mentioned family member who passed away saying we should "stop being horrible" to him!

Anyway the mood lightened slightly, and overall the night was ok. Then in the car as I was dropping off dp and df dp gives me the silent treatment. Clearly because he was hoping I would go back to his/spend some time with him before he goes home- Not something I am wanting to do.

Today is the funeral of dp's family member, I did text last night saying I hope it went alright and he said "cool, thanks". Do I text today to say hope it goes ok, as I would if none of this had never happened and we were just friends? Or does the text last night make it unnecessary?

Narked Tue 02-Oct-12 08:56:41

You've already expressed that to him. I'd leave it.

flyoverthegoldenhill Tue 02-Oct-12 09:01:27

Leave it.
Whatever you do he will badmouth you. Just stop the whole thing now. And you are doing really well.

ArtVandelay Tue 02-Oct-12 09:06:29

I cannot believe he asked YOUR friend if you owed him a shag for a cinema ticket shock Then said basically, when it didn't go his way, 'don't be meanies to me cos I am bereaved'. Then he gives you the silent treatment - passive aggression. Weren't you embarrassed that he did all this in front of your friend? He has no boundaries.

Controlling, whiney, sulky... he's giving you everything you need to know about him. Dump and run - before it gets dangerous.

pictish Tue 02-Oct-12 10:01:34

This guy is a mess.

pictish Tue 02-Oct-12 10:12:23

Don't text.
If you do, his sulk has had the desrired effect, and he'll continue to impliment it as a means of control and manipulation.

I know I'm making it sound all dramatic...but trust me, this is how emotional abuse starts. Using little insidious punishments that are designed to make the victim behave.

Think about it - say this blows over (and I don't think it will - it's just for the sake of example), and next week he takes care of the bill at dinner. Imagine yourself back at his/yours afterwards and he wants sex...will you feel comfortable in opting out, given the drama that has ensued over the current situation?

That's what it's all about.

redadmiralsinthegarden Tue 02-Oct-12 14:06:28

i totally agree with the others, Usher. Don't text him back. don't go on holiday with him, don't have anymore to do with him. it won't end well if you do...

Helltotheno Tue 02-Oct-12 15:42:23

OP just text and say this isn't working out (I'm a fan of text in these situations cos it gives someone a chance to rearrange their thoughts/facial expressions etc.).... just add that you loved him as a friend and hope you can go back to that. Then cancel out of the holiday and lie low for a while.
He just sounds like a stubborn twat, even the thought of involving another person in that movie scenario.. just.. yuck on so many levels.

Bite the bullet, you know this isn't gonna pan out.

solidgoldbrass Tue 02-Oct-12 16:17:32

I wouldn't be that surprised if this man ends up being edged out of the friendship group soon. I can just imagine your other friend's horror at being asked to endorse his idea that he was entitled to have sex on you because he'd bought you a sodding £5 cinema ticket.

I also note that this man clearly pestered you into a relationship you weren't that keen on in the first place. Are there, by any chance, any females who used to be in your friendship group and have kind of... faded out or drifted away from it?

(No, I'm not implying that he's murdered them, just thinking that men like him, who have major issues around women's sexuality - which is why they are reasonably nice friends but terrible partners - quite often have a track record of causing women distress to the extent that women will back off from mutual friends just so as not to have to see the awful man again, but without wanting to make a fuss.)

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