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Red Flags? Long!

(85 Posts)
Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:14:58

Got together with one of my closest friends about 3 months ago. We have been friends for years and got on brilliantly. However, since getting together I have realised he has issues with insecurity/ jealousy. For example a few weeks ago (and apologies for tmi) I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.

I was dating before getting together with DP and he still checks my phone to ensure neither of the men I had dated in recent months have been in touch, demanded to see the messages I had sent informing them I was with someone and no longer dating etc.

But what has really upset me is what happened over the weekend. We went out and he paid for me to go to the cinema. When we got back to his afterwards, I told him (and again tmi sorry!) I couldn't have sex as I have a yeast infection blush He assumes I'm lying to get out of having sex (?!) and then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!

He said this in a way so I wasn't sure if he was joking- although he was grumpy about the no sex situation. Either way, I was horrifed and very hurt by this comment. He later apologised and said because we are in a long distance relationship it's upsetting that we couldn't have sex for the short time he's home. He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood.

I don't know what to think now- As I said, I have been very close friends with this man for years and years. He is in our immediate "circle" and I know he cares deeply for me. I think he's very insecure about my feelings for him (he'd pursued me for a while and I wasn't interested). Am I over-reacting, if the cinema ticket comment was a joke is that still inappropriate?

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 13:14:42

Can't believe he made you make another appointment with a female doctor!!
That is some fucked up overbearing shit right there!

MsNobodyAgain Mon 01-Oct-12 13:18:21

Big massive red flags already. Run like the wind.

Next thing you know, he'll have you staring at the floor if you go to a bar on holiday to make sure you're not eyeing other men up. Or asking you what you talked to someone else about while he wasn't there - he's started checking up on you already. It only gets worse.

And he wasn't joking about the cinema tickets. He felt like you owed him something and when he didn't get it he was a twat.

Get outta there. And quick. You deserve better.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 01-Oct-12 13:20:59

Oh yes, when we'd only been going out a few weeks I took XH to my work party, and he threw a massive wobbly about someone I had allegedly snogged (actually the fellow gave me a polite peck on the cheek with his wife looking on smiling) and then blamed it on how his father had been giving him a hard time earlier. Instead of ditching him, I married him confused

He also threw a wobbly when he found out the osteopath I was seeing in my lunch hour (back totally seized up, I could hardly stand at one point) was young, male and black. He organised an older white one nearer home for me and insisted on going along too. That osteo was rubbish so he found me a female one, who was brilliant - and then went on about how attractive she was and how he was sure she was bending over the couch just so in order that he could look down her cleavage. By then I was a lot wiser to his ways and told him not to be a stupid old pervert. He thought that was hilarious.

Sorry, was I supposed to be replying to the OP rather than ranting reminiscing? Well then - run away, run away! Of course he will tell you and anyone who'll listen that you ditched him so you can be free to shag around, but anyone who knows you (except, apparently, him) will know it's rubbish.

handbagCrab Mon 01-Oct-12 13:23:50

Nice men don't demand proof that you're not seeing anyone eise. This isn't flattering or evidence of an all consuming passion that they have never felt before, it's evidence they are a tosser.

Nice men don't feel entitled to sex because they paid £6 for a film and wouldn't make you feel bad about it.

I really wouldn't go on hols with him, away from home it will be harder for you to be independent and easier for him to push at your boundaries.

You say he wanted to go out with you before you did him. Did he wear you down? Persuade you? Catch you at a low ebb? what changed your mind?

If you told him its not working and you want to go back to being friends, how would he react?

PillarBoxRedRoses Mon 01-Oct-12 13:24:51

It's already been said, but, yes run away, fucking fast. Don't make any excuses for him.

And CalamityKate makes a very good point. People can behave so differently in their romantic relationships - it should be bringing the best out of him, not the controlling twunt

JustFabulous Mon 01-Oct-12 13:27:46

Your first paragraph was enough for me and then it continued. Get out out out.

EnjoyGOLDResponsibly Mon 01-Oct-12 13:30:02

That holiday is going to be excruciating anyway. You can count on him criticising your bikini, your clothes, integration with waiters....


EnjoyGOLDResponsibly Mon 01-Oct-12 13:31:16

Inter bloody raction

Although integrating with waiters not necessarily a bad thing smile

JustFabulous Mon 01-Oct-12 13:31:48

Your second post is so sad and worrying and is it obvious you are going to stay with him.

You were upset enough to post. Ask yourself why you are now not listening to the other posters who are giving you such good advice.

HazleNutt Mon 01-Oct-12 13:49:25

You are not over-reacting. He is not a nice man. And he is not insecure, he is controlling and thinks he owns you. RUN.

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 13:50:33

I too think you will swallow his shit.
You know where we are when you need us. x

OneMoreGo Mon 01-Oct-12 13:56:59

Oh fucking hell woman, RUN! Forget the holiday, just get yourself out of the situation.

HipHopOpotomus Mon 01-Oct-12 14:24:27

"then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!"
You need say no more. This 'great friend' thinks he has brought sex with you, for the price of a cinema ticket. He is not a NICE guy.
You deserve better

HipHopOpotomus Mon 01-Oct-12 14:27:56

re his comment about the doctor, no partner of mine has EVER asked re the gender of any health professionals. It is absolutely none of his business and yet he makes it so, and then gets all beady eyes and jealous/controlling.

Unforgivable behaviour - continue down this road at your peril.

nickeldaisical Mon 01-Oct-12 14:33:35

yep, i agree the two biggest red flags here are the doctor (wtf? it's not his vagina - he obviousy thinks it is and that's a red flag*) and the not-getting-sex for the cinema ticket - it really sounds like he expected sex because he paid. you are not a prostitute *red flag

nickeldaisical Mon 01-Oct-12 14:33:52

sod bold error blush

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 14:36:30

I cannot ever imagine my dh questioning me about a doctor's appointment in the first place (we have been together 15 years and he has only ever enquired as to how it went), much less making a fuss of the gender of said doctor!!
It's not normal or in any way excusable!

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 14:41:49

Thank you for your replies and sorry for delay- I am at work.

I am not scared to leave him, I don't feel dependant in any way on him, in fact the opposite- I tend to avoid relationships due to having been hurt in the past. I enjoy dating and I'm only young so I won't accept inappropropriate behaviour, I guess my confusion is whether or not it is inappropropriate. However every one here seems in agreement!

I keep finding myself trying to defend his actions and wondering if I am putting across a fair view of him- He didn't ask if it was a male/female doctor- I mentioned it as I said I was blush to go to appointment. But I was concerned about his reaction.

Yes I found the excuse of his family death distasteful as he has been this way before family member passed away and did feel like it was an excuse. He actually shouted at me for not giving him enough leeway on it infront of our friends- prompting very red faces and a long awkward silence. I had to stop myself from crying at the table. He was very apologetic afterwards of course...

Regarding the holiday, I'm concerned as he owes me money for the booking. I know it sounds petty but I genuinly can't afford for him to not pay me back, and as the holiday was my idea I can imagine him kicking up a fuss about paying me back confused. We are due to go with our immediate group of friends- I would not be alone with him, that would be far more awkward. But I kind of feel like I have to pretend everything is fine until after holiday.

Narked Mon 01-Oct-12 14:42:37

I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.

That's not a potential red flag. That's a big feck off red flag, accompanied by a marching band and followed by a fireworks display.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 14:42:40

I still can't believe how shock I am! He has never given me any reason to doubt his character in 7 years!

Narked Mon 01-Oct-12 14:43:56

'We are due to go with our immediate group of friends'

Female friend that would go instead?

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 14:44:27

He actually shouted at me for not giving him enough leeway on it infront of our friends- prompting very red faces and a long awkward silence. I had to stop myself from crying at the table. He was very apologetic afterwards of course...

Oh. Dear.

He's a fucking nightmare OP.

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 14:46:35

And all of this just three months in??!! shock

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 14:48:02

I have one female friend I could ask, but I think she is working. Will ask her tonight!

MsNobodyAgain Mon 01-Oct-12 14:48:12

Sorry to continue to bang the drum, but I'd write off the money rather than spend any more time with this waster.

The good thing is your twat radar seems to be working at a much younger age than mine did grin

Look after yourself.

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