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Red Flags? Long!

(85 Posts)
Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:14:58

Got together with one of my closest friends about 3 months ago. We have been friends for years and got on brilliantly. However, since getting together I have realised he has issues with insecurity/ jealousy. For example a few weeks ago (and apologies for tmi) I had to go to a doctor for an examination "down below" and he wasn't happy it was a male doctor examining me, asking if I could re-book with female.

I was dating before getting together with DP and he still checks my phone to ensure neither of the men I had dated in recent months have been in touch, demanded to see the messages I had sent informing them I was with someone and no longer dating etc.

But what has really upset me is what happened over the weekend. We went out and he paid for me to go to the cinema. When we got back to his afterwards, I told him (and again tmi sorry!) I couldn't have sex as I have a yeast infection blush He assumes I'm lying to get out of having sex (?!) and then made a comment about I should have told him before he spent money on my cinema ticket!

He said this in a way so I wasn't sure if he was joking- although he was grumpy about the no sex situation. Either way, I was horrifed and very hurt by this comment. He later apologised and said because we are in a long distance relationship it's upsetting that we couldn't have sex for the short time he's home. He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood.

I don't know what to think now- As I said, I have been very close friends with this man for years and years. He is in our immediate "circle" and I know he cares deeply for me. I think he's very insecure about my feelings for him (he'd pursued me for a while and I wasn't interested). Am I over-reacting, if the cinema ticket comment was a joke is that still inappropriate?

Helltotheno Mon 01-Oct-12 12:18:47

He may be your friend for years but there are all sorts of red flags here and he doesn't sound that pleasant to boot... so you should've told him he wasn't getting a shag that night before he spent money on a cinema ticket????!! Right hmm... that right there spells TWUNT in my book.

Run like hell. In fact, I don't even think I'd still be friends with someone like him in light of the above.

EleanorHandbasket Mon 01-Oct-12 12:18:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill Mon 01-Oct-12 12:19:32

Big red waving flag.

jealousy is not love, it's about possession, ownership, restriction and you having to justify yourself constantly to him.

He may well be insecure, but the way he is treating you is as a possession not as a human being who sets her own boundaries and has her own moral compass.


Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 12:20:55

Sadly, people are capable of being a really good friend but a really bad partner. It's because their expectations of one are very different to the other, as is their threshold for what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. If it's like this at three months in, it's only ever going to get worse.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:30:53

Even if he was joking about the cinema tickets?

We have a holiday booked with mutual friends in 4 weeks time, so I feel really awkward acting before then confused

And I don't know if he's just insecure and needing a bit of reassurance and with this will improve. The men I had been dating did pursue me for a while into our relationship so I think that kind of got everything off on a bad foot hmm

ArtVandelay Mon 01-Oct-12 12:36:49

All of those incidents are horrible and make him look like a dick but the Dr incident is actually chilling. Dump him now before you end up completely isolated and and at his mercy. Don't worry about the holiday- this man is damaged goods and he will hurt you. Run.

OxfordBags Mon 01-Oct-12 12:39:30

It's the not wanting you to have a male Dr do an examination that worries me even more than the money thing. He sees you as nothing but a hole he possesses if he's upset by that, because if he was capable of normal, empathic thinking and feeling, he wouldn't give a shit who did it, and his only thoughts would be 'hope it's not too unpleasant'. Run, run for the hills if he's already being this after only a few months! What someone is like as a friend actually has very little bearing n what they'll be like as a partner (I speak from experience).

Helltotheno Mon 01-Oct-12 12:46:12

Save yourself a lot of trouble down the line OP. This guy is very bad news...

Anniegetyourgun Mon 01-Oct-12 12:48:12

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for him to learn to trust you, either. XH never did - we were married for nearly 25 years.

clam Mon 01-Oct-12 12:54:16

Red flags? Erm.... YES.

Get rid.

Usherwoop Mon 01-Oct-12 12:55:24

With the doctor situation he didn't say I couldn't he said he'd prefer me to re-arrange as he thought it inappropriate. I'm just so shocked as we have been such good friends sad

foolonthehill Mon 01-Oct-12 12:58:07

You are making excuses for him
Normal men don't act like this,
He is showing you who he is,
believe him

at 3 months???? it's only going to get worse

solidgoldbrass Mon 01-Oct-12 12:59:56

FFS bin him! He's a nutter.

ArtVandelay Mon 01-Oct-12 13:00:37

He doesn't need to say 'you can't see a male Dr to look at your vagina' its the fact that he thinks this is a problem. What planet is he on that he thinks this is inappropriate and even worse opens his mouth, says it and then suggests you rebook with a female Dr? Its like your vagina examination is not about your health, its about him. Its so wrong.

flyoverthegoldenhill Mon 01-Oct-12 13:01:17


CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 13:02:41

"He also recently lost a family member so said he was already in a bad mood."

When you're uncomfortable with someone's behaviour & when it's the latest in a long line of things that make you uncomfortable, be alert to anyone making excuses that it was a 'one-off', a 'joke' or that they were in a 'bad mood'. It is more likely that this is the real him and that the longer you are together, the more upsetting incidents will occur. Accept his excuses and the behaviour will escalate.

The thing with the Dr is bizarre. Only the most insecure weirdo would have a problem with that.

flyoverthegoldenhill Mon 01-Oct-12 13:02:54

and if he expects a shag for buying a cinema ticket (Iknow your not that cheap) what will he expect on holiday ?

redadmiralsinthegarden Mon 01-Oct-12 13:03:10

another voice saying dump him! these are all bad, bad red flags.

tzella Mon 01-Oct-12 13:05:12

I've been in a simar situation. I saw the red flags but I so liked this man otherwise that I felt dumping him wasn't an option. He'd put out maybe three flags (silent treatment, accusations of looking at men, controlling my friendships) but I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. We'd been together two months! How could I dump him?! Ridiculous!!

He ended up blacking my eyes.

It's so so so so so so so so hard to see the flags and actually act on them. But next time I will hoike up my woman pants and stop the bullshit before it begins [mad]

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 13:05:25


Ditch without delay.

He is insecure, controlling, jealous, thinks you 'owe' him, and at the end of the day excuses his shit behaviour on being sad over the loss of a family member - which is utter bullshit.
Next time it will be stress, or a bad day at work, or lack of money, or feeling a bit unwell. or a miriad of other excuses he will pedal out to justify threating you like dirt. It will never be his fault, or down to the fact that he's a fuck up. It will always be this, that, or far more likely you.

Don't bother petal - it's a waste of time. xxx

CalamityKate Mon 01-Oct-12 13:06:25

I think he sounds like a prime example of why you can never know what a man is truly like until you date him, and why some people doubt women who have been abused - "but he's such a nice bloke".


pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 13:08:24

And I don't know if he's just insecure and needing a bit of reassurance and with this will improve

Nope. It won't. In fact, the more you go to the bother of reassuring him, the more reassurance and proof he will need, want, expect and demand. You are already making excuses for him. So it begins......

bitgoldbutstillbewildered Mon 01-Oct-12 13:09:50

Massive red flags all over the place. Massive. And very red. He is not going to behave better in the future, but will get more possessive and controlling.

MMMarmite Mon 01-Oct-12 13:11:59

Doesn't sound good at all. He sounds controlling, not insecure - an insecure guy wouldn't make those weird comments about the doctor, or get arsey about no sex.

Break up now, a holiday in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable is going to be no fun anyway, and maybe there's still time to get some money back.

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