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XH making important decisions about DCs without me and then tells me I'm talking nonsense!!(6 Posts)
Arghhhh - I just need somewhere to vent!!!! XH & I split in January after I discovered his affair. Things ever since have been difficult to say the least. One minute he says he hopes we can be 'friends', he hopes we can work together as parents, that he still cares about me and wants to do the right thing blah, blah, blah. The next minute he will deliberately ignore all communications from me, criticise me, blame me etc etc. For a while I kept waiting for it to get better but I've finally accepted that it just won't. He is a law unto himself.
BUT..at the moment we have a big decision we need to make about DD. We are trying to plan something for her that she needs to have a say in. We've both talked to her individually and she seems to be telling him one thing and me another, probably in an effort to try and please each of us. Last week he told me we needed to work together on this (that was when he thought I didn't want to talk about it. He was wrong. I do.) Now he is refusing to talk to me. He says he knows what she wants and he is going to go ahead and arrange it without any further input from me, there is no need for us to discuss anything!!! He's trying to cut me out of a major event in DD's life and she is going to get caught in the middle!! Why can't he just fucking grow up for 5 bloody minutes and think about something other than 'winning' the next battle!!!
Oops, posted to soon. I sent him an email to say I was really sorry he didn't feel able to work with me and this is the reply I got:
"Thank you for your email - your opinion is noted and I hope you feel better after venting your anger. As we all know, what you are saying is complete and utter nonsense so I will not be giving you the reaction or the ongoing exchange you were hoping to generate."
How old is your DD? Is he still with the OW? Have you sorted out the financials and access issues re divorce yet?
Of course your DD is not going to want to upset either one of you so she will say what she thinks you both want to hear. Can you have a chat with her (no pressure on her) saying that you wnat the best for her and wont get upset or take things personally if she does actually want to do whatever it is she has told her father, but that you want her to be open and honest with you all the time. Of course, it really depends on her age.
DD is 11 and very articulate about what she wants but is also clearly a little confused/stuck about this particular situation. If what she really wants is what she told her dad I'm ok with that. It's his behaviour I'm furious at.
We've already been through all the lawyer stuff - access & finances etc. But aside from the child support payments which he does stick to, everything else he pretty much just does as he pleases.
As for OW - in the beginning he told me he wasnt' with her anymore. Haven't discussed her for months and months and frankly I don't care. I do, however, care that he claims to have "accidentally" introduced her to the DCs last week! They were all out for lunch in town and says she just happened to be in the same restaurant and joined them for lunch. This, despite the fact that we agreed to talk to each other before introducing the DCs to any new partners. Like I said, he is a law unto himself.
She sounds mature for her age. Personally i would try not to engage with your Ex too much (although i can see the tempation to send any equally arsey mail back to him in response to his). I really would try to sit down with your daughter and have a good heart to heart, mother to daughter. You dont have to say direct to her, so what do you want to do about x, maybe start with asking how things are at school, is she happy with her friends? that you know how unsettling the last 6 months have been for her and that your're sorry she is in the middle and then broach the topic gentley - that you want the best for her, you want her to be happy, that you will stand up for her with your DH but you need to know what she really wants in order to have a conversation with him, etc etc and importantly that she can chose whatever it is your ExH is referring to if she really wants to and you wont get upset. Equally, reassure her that if she wants your option then you will stand up for her.
Also, remember though that 11, while mature, she may not be the best person to know what she wants or what is in her best interest and as her parents you and your ExH may need to make some of these decisions for her. Of course, its difficult to know based on the information if this is a decision that could be left up to an 11 year old or not.
I think its key that you ensure that your daughter knows the lines of communication are always open with you and you will always listen to her.
Your response to your ExH depends on the outcome of the conversation with yor daughter i think. But you are right, its not about scoring points, its about putting your feelings for each other aside to work in your daughters best interest - but it does sound like you are in for a hard time on that one and you may need to stand your ground.
She is mature for her age but she's still 11 and the separation is still new-ish so trying to navigate all this stuff must be awfully confusing and hard for her. I told her really clearly last week that I really wanted to know how she felt about this issue, what she wanted and what was important to her. Based on what she said, I thought I'd come up with a solution that was perfect. I proposed it to her and she was happy. Then after 24 hours with her dad it's all changed.
My biggest fear right this minute is that he is going to turn up at the house later (he has to return their stuff from yesterday) and force a confrontation in front of her. I've aleady told him I think it's really important that he and I iron out any disagreements privately before we talk about it in front of her. His response was to ask her, "Do you think your mum and I should talk about this without you?". Well of course she said no!!! So now if he asks me about it in front of her I look like the bad guy no matter what I say. I feel sick just thinking about it.
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