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what did i expects

(20 Posts)
raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 09:09:06

It was my birthday on Saturday and did not get a text from Stbxh. We've only been split four months and he has had a gf for almost as long. Theses no going back and i know that so why did not getting a text from him upset me so much.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 09:10:44

Excuse typos feeding dd 2 and typing at same time

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 09:12:28

I'm never sure of the etiquette of these things. I suppose if it's an amicable split, exes might continue to send each other birthday cards. If it's not been all that amicable a clean break might be easier to deal with in the long-run. Look forward from now on rather than back. Happy birthday for Saturday

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 09:28:23

Not sure what type of split it is. One day he's nice saying he would us to be friends so i sent him a birthday card . The next minute he's ignoring texts about the dc and forgetting to call them so we then have argument. I find it all depends on whether he is staying at his gf or at his house. Sometimes wish never had to speak or see him again but can't because of the girls.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 09:42:10

In that case, limit your communication to functional only. Practical matters to do with the children, other matters via a solicitor and drop the chit-chat. 'Friends' don't blow hot and cold depending on who they are with.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 09:48:04

Think that's the way forward just annoyed that its upset me this much. Don't think friends is ever going to happen as do not know from day to day what to expect from him. Its amazing how someone can not be who you think they were.

Yogagirl17 Mon 01-Oct-12 10:05:08

rasbpberry - I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how hard it is. XH and I split in Jan after I discovered his affair. He too said he hoped we could be "friends" but like you, I do not know him from one day to the next. One minute he tells me he really wants us to act together as parents, the next he makes unilateral decisions about major things without consulting me; One minute he tells me he's worried about me (having a few financial issues), the next he says it's all my own fault I'm in this situation in the first place (by which he means, my own fault for needing to pay a lawyer to divorce the cheating prick). We were together for 18 years and I still can't believe what a lying, cheating, manipulative person he has proved himself to be over the last year - it's just horrible. The worst part is, I keep waiting for it to get better and it's just not.

The only difference for me is that I do not want him back even if he literally got on his knees and begged, I did not send him a birthday card and if he sends me one this week it's going straight in the bin.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 10:12:32

Yogagirl. Sorry your in same boat too happy birthday for this week. My Stbxh says quite often he worries about me and feels devastated he hurt me just a pity his actions don't match what he's saying.
Think im just over sensitive as first birthday and my dad is also not very well too. Atleast my girlfriends cheered me up by arranging a Fab night out. I have counseling again on Tuesday so hopefully that will help me to let go of expectations and accept the situation im in.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 10:17:24

All this wanting to be friends and 'devastation' about the hurt caused are just his way of salving his conscience... you do realise that, don't you? It's nothing whatsoever to do with your feelings, it's simply his way of glossing over the truth & reassuring himself that he's doing/saying the right thing, not the bad guy, being reasonable. Very, very selfish.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 10:23:55

Cogito starting to realise that he's trying to make himself out as a good guy. Says all the right stuff when people around or if it is beneficial to him. He has quite often said that he knew i wasn't happy and he left as he just wanted me to be happy. How the hell did he know how i felt as he never discussed anything he just walked

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 10:37:25

He left to make you happy? That's priceless. Listen.... as well as the counselling, go global on this one. Cut contact with him beyond the essentials and tell anyone who'll listen what a prize shit he has been, warts and all. This will help make the whole thing more 'real' for you and might also have the effect of scotching his one man PR campaign.

Yogagirl17 Mon 01-Oct-12 10:49:52

What Cogito said! I spent the first couple of months protecting him too - not telling people about his affair and letting them draw their own conclusions about why we split. But as his behaviour continued to deteriorate I got sick of my friends feeling sorry for him and told them the whole truth. It's made a huge difference because at least I no longer feel like I"m the crazy one - I don't have to buy into his bullying manipulative nonsense anymore.

I think somone gives them a script because they all say the same thing. Forget about what he says and work on figuring out what you need going forward. xx

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 12:16:48

All the people here know what happened but his gf is in another town. They got together within two weeks and she was ok with that. Either they fell head over heals in quickly it was going on before that or if has lied to her. He has created this alternate reality where he's a good guy. He told me she even asked how i was makes me think he's told her im a bit unbalanced. Oh well she'll learn the truth one day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 12:33:57

She hasn't asked how you are - this is yet another example of him woollying the truth to keep up the good guy (who has a caring girlfriend) image. He hasn't got together with anyone after just 2 weeks, this has been going on for quite some time. Sorry.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 12:46:52

That's what im thinking. Asking how his wife and kids are just doesn't ring true. According to him she's perfect and soo mature (hate that word now) and believes people should do what ever makes them happy. If i took her advise i would never see him again as that would make me happy butbut im putting my dc happiness before my own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 12:57:11

Q How do you know your exH is lying?
A His lips are moving

You have to cut contact with this man because every single word he utters seems designed to make you feel as bad as possible. Ironically therefore the advice to not see him again is very good indeed. When working the access and parenting arrangements out with your legal representative, make the contact with yourself the bare minimum.

bouncyagain Mon 01-Oct-12 13:03:26

I'll tell you my story in case it helps. My Ex DW ended the marriage. I met a new DP very quickly. Ex is very up and down, and this includes on cards and presents. She is getting better with time. What I have seen with her and with other people I know, is that the one who ended it is especially up and down.

It has evolved that we each get DC to choose birthday, mothers day, fathers day, Christmas presents and cards (he is old enough to choose, with some direction). But no longer from each other. I think it is important for DC to give each parent a present.

My DP's ex has never bothered to do anything from her DCs. On mothers day I took them all somewhere that the DCs could make their own cards for my DP. I bought DP a card - she is not the mother of my DC, but she is a mother and I love her.

One day you will find someone to love you too (my DP had been alone for a long time). Good luck in the meantime. Expect nothing from him and you will be upset less.

Good luck.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 13:05:47

Your right once he's signed a few things i think that is the path i have to take. Terrible how things have turned out but nothing i can do about it.
As my mum says hold your head high put on your lippy and smile you've done nothing wrong except love someone who did not appreciate it.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 13:13:01

Thank you bouncyagain. Nice to know there are some nice men out there. My eldest dd made a card and the baby dd put a hand print in it for their dad. I even got them on the phone first thing to wish him happy birthday. I got a card from the girls because my my phoned nursery and asked.
but your right expect nothing and i won't be upset.

raspberyfool Mon 01-Oct-12 13:20:16

My mum not my my

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