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meeting the new man's two grown up DDs

(11 Posts)
friendlyanimal Mon 01-Oct-12 03:10:24

I have met a lovely man (internet dating) and have very rapidly started to establish a really good relationship with him. We spend most of every weekend together and meet up at least once during the week.
I have been divorced for 4 years, he has been properly separated for 3 years (didn't have normal marital relationship for 14 years).
He has frequently mentioned our future together and seems totally devoted. He is very attentive and says he is in love with me (because of the way we met, we were able to find out a lot about eachother and we knew we were both looking for a serious relationship). He has introduced me to his brother (with whom he is quite close), I have been to dinner at his sister in law's and he is taking me to visit another relative next weekend. He has met my DD no 2 and her boyfriend and I was planning to introduce him to DD no 1 when she is next in town.
When I meet up with him, it is always at my flat (my DDs, who are 25 and 27, do not live with me) or we go out to a restaurant or gallery or a country walk. I have been to his house only once. He seems really scared about introducing me to his 2 DDs, one of whom is 19 (away at uni now) and the other who is 25 (living at home). I would never say this to him, but he seems to be a bit of a "doormat" to the DDs and they sound as though they (and their Mother before she left) treat him like sh*t.They leave the house in a mess (he is very domesticated), they usually ignore any food he makes for them, they borrow money from him, his DD no 2 left for uni without saying goodbye to him.
I know the relationship is still fairly new, but everything is so good in every other way and I am starting to get edgy about not being introduced. Does his reluctance mean that he is not as serious about me as he seems to be? Am I rushing things? Is he a man or a mouse? Am I getting worked up.over nothing? I so much want the relationship to work and I am aware that getting along with his DDs will be essential if we are to.go on long term (as it is for me with my DDs), but I have already made the effort to set up an easy situation for him to meet my DD no 2 whereas he hasn't even spoken.about me to.his DDs (they don't speak much at all, from what he tells me). Advice please.....

izzyizin Mon 01-Oct-12 03:35:05

How long have you been seeing him?

I'd have serious reservations about a man who has been 'properly separated' for 3 years but made no move to divorce after his dw left the marital home and whose dds 'treat him like shit'.

This man screams 'doormat' and, much as I believe in being kind to coir, the temptation to put a rocket up his arse lead in his pencil would no doubt lead to me adding my footprints to those of the women who've already walked all over him and to those who are still doing so.

Passivity in a man tends to irritate the fuck out of me. What does it do to you?

izzyizin Mon 01-Oct-12 03:41:49

Is he a man or a mouse? I suspect he's partial to a nice piece of mousetrap Cheddar and dons a pinny and marigolds when he's doing the copious amounts of washing up left by the dd who's still living at home with him.

Oh dear. I wish you better luck with your next catch off t'internet.

friendlyanimal Mon 01-Oct-12 04:05:17

Hi to Izzyizzin! I've been seeing him for about 6 weeks. I take your point about him not taking the initiative on divorce. I had reservations too, but he is such a lovely guy and I guess he has shown loyalty to the DDs and has stuck to his side of the wedding vows..... He has had sh*t kicked out of him by a very beautiful (my judgement from photos, nothing said by him) and very clever wife. I kinda hoped if he committed to me I might be on the receiving end of some of that loyalty and fidelity. The situation with the DW and DDs is his only fault (so far) as I have found him to be loving, attentive, generous, imaginative, capable and good fun. Funny thing is, he's not passive in any other way. I can't contemplate dumping him and your (kindly meant) good wishes for better luck on the internet just makes my heart sink. Oh dear!
Thank you for the input anyway!

Springhasarrived Mon 01-Oct-12 06:01:10

I think you are rushing things OP. Six weeks to know someone is nothing, and I think he is being very sensible about his daughters. They probably need to get used to the idea of you first. You are really keen on him, he is clearly mad about you. Enjoy getting to know him a bit better. It is all very new for all concerned.

friendlyanimal Mon 01-Oct-12 07:19:56

Thank you, Springhasarrived, for wise words. I'm sure youre right. It's just that I'm so pleasef and excited and I want everyone to get along! I'll try to curb my enthusiasm!

friendlyanimal Mon 01-Oct-12 07:56:11

Also I am a bit put out that he put a previous date on his facebook status as "in a relationship" after just a couple of dates, but has not done that for me. He says that his DW saw it and started stalking the lady concerned. That relationship ended (i wonder could it have been because of DW?) I wonder if he is trying to protect me or if he is trying to hide me or if he is still having his strings pulled by his DW or if I am just over-thinking this whole thing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 08:04:49

I think this man's life sounds very complicated and you should proceed with caution. Could be that he genuinely has had his bollocks removed by a vicious ex wife and demanding DDs that treat him as a domestic servant. Could be that he's hiding something. Could be all kinds of things. As ever with a new relationship, see what's in front of you and judge the evidence of your own eyes rather than making assumptions or seeing what you want to see.

friendlyanimal Mon 01-Oct-12 10:02:42

Thanks for that, cogitoergosometimes, I know how it sounds, but I just don't think he is hiding anything except perhaps a lack of ability to stand up to his females (fear of losing them, he really really loves his DDs). Everything he says and does rings true, and I have spoken with sister in law who says of her own sister that DW is poisonous. His life is unquestionably complicated, but thats to be expected really, at 50ish. After all he is demonstrating patience and loyalty. I just hope I might be treated the same way if he hitches up with me!

cory Mon 01-Oct-12 10:03:32

Don't forget that you have only his word for it that his dds treat him like shit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 10:11:14

"After all he is demonstrating patience and loyalty. "

You're seeing patience and loyalty but others might see submission and lack of self-esteem. I'm a little too close to 50 for my liking and IME life gets simpler by the day, not more complicated, because I'm far less likely to let others steamroller me than when I was younger. The danger with this kind of set-up is that you will always take the lowest priority behind exes and grown up DCs. 25yo DDs, for example, should be in the process of being firmly shoved out of the nest.... not waited upon hand and foot.

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