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Testing the name change as this is a difficult one.

(79 Posts)
Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:12:13

See title

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:13:32

I want to ask advice on a very difficult one, but want to check name change worked first ...did it come up as any name change?

Birdsgottafly Mon 01-Oct-12 00:13:59

Yes.

browneyesblue Mon 01-Oct-12 00:14:05

yes

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:14:35

go on...

DoNotDisturb Mon 01-Oct-12 00:17:30

Intrigued now.

BexFactor Mon 01-Oct-12 00:19:20

Aye.

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:20:52

Cool. Ok, deep breath. I have no idea who my older son's father is. None. Not a Jeremy Kyle one of three, no idea. I was raped fairly violently, police involved, went to court, minimal sentence. He could be the father. Or any other random I slept with at the time, very bad period of drug use, alcohol use, extreme and untreated depression.

Life changed. I got help, my family were hugely supportive, I had my son and met dp when he was nine months old. It's been great. Moved on, got properly supported with my mental health, retrained for a professional job. All good. 10 years on from birth of son, we've had son 2. My mum has started to sy things like, your half brother to my older son, who has no idea that my partner is not his dad. What should I do?

Floralnomad Mon 01-Oct-12 00:24:23

You do need to tell your son that your DP is not his father , because otherwise someone else will. You don't need to explain the circumstances - just stress that DP is his 'dad' .

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:25:54

No one else will. I've taken steps to ensure this. Except, bizarrely my mum! Why is she doing this?

Tell your mum to shut her mouth. Its up to you and DP when or even if you tell DS1.

Seriously. Put your foot down.

Do you want him to know? What does your DP say?

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:26:26

I am really sorry this happened to you

first off, I would tell your mum to shut.the.fuck.up like yesterday

if she won't, I would cut contact, simple as...until...

then, I would contact Rape Crisis for advice to see if they can signpost you to stuff like family therapy who will guide you through this really difficult time

your eldest son (IMO) does need to know, in age appropriate terms, how he came about ( a diluted version, but the truth somehow)

good luck x

StuntGirl Mon 01-Oct-12 00:26:34

Tell your mum to stop using the phrase 'half brother' for one hmm She sounds awfully insensitive. I assume she knows what happened to you and that you haven't told your son?

squeakytoy Mon 01-Oct-12 00:29:14

Tell your mum to zip it. It is none of her business. He is her grandchild, and your other child is equally her grandchild. It is absolutely none of her business and she needs telling pronto to keep her nose out of it.

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:30:27

Sorry, I missed posts. Dp and I don't want to change anything. We moved house and area many years ago and everything's been great, my ds1 adores his little brother. We cut contact with any friends who might say anything. My mum is the fly in the ointment suddenly although she's been a marvellous support and granny until now this has come up. My pil, who you'd think would be less discreet gave been fab.

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:30:59

Have, not gave.

squeakytoy Mon 01-Oct-12 00:32:53

There are lots and lots of people who have children and raise them with a new partner who is not the father of the child. There is absolutely no need for your son to ever know the full circumstances of his conception. A white lie in this instance is completely understandable.

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:36:22

Thank you so much. I know people say a child has a right to know their father. Well, I honestly have no idea. And if it were to be the rapist, I wouldn't want him to know! He has a father. He's had one since he was baby. It's hard to see how this could ruin everything for our happy family after a decade. sad

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 00:38:48

ah, I don't agree that you should hide the truth from your son but I would uphold your right to do as you see fit with your own child with your partner's agreement

your mother needs to STFU, pronto

squeakytoy Mon 01-Oct-12 00:40:19

I dont think any child needs to be given the full truth. It will be likely to fuck them up for the rest of their childhood. Blissful ignorance is not going to do them any harm at all.

MrsRhettButler Mon 01-Oct-12 00:41:23

I don't see how it will be a good thing for your son to be given this information and yes your mum needs to zip it.

I agree with anyfuckers post apart from the very last bit.

Anynamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 00:42:00

We talked this all through at the beginning of our relationship (I'd known my partner for a few years before we got together). We are in agreement about it. My son has no father on his birth certificate. My partner thinks we just add his. Is that legal?

MrsRhettButler Mon 01-Oct-12 00:43:10

But yes, totally agree that its your decision when and if you tell him.

What does your mum say when you tell her not to say these things?

squeakytoy Mon 01-Oct-12 00:43:30

I dont think you can just add someone to a birth certificate, but he could legally adopt him, and you would then get a new birth certificate (I think). He would still need to know as he grows up that your partner is not his biological father, but it can be done gently, he doesnt need to be sat down and given the full details.

solidgoldbrass Mon 01-Oct-12 00:43:58

Have you asked your mum why she is suddenly being a twat about this? That might be useful to know before you tell her to keep her beak out, because she is definitely in the wrong here.

However, it really is a good idea to have a simple, tactful, age-appropriate version of the truth for your DS rather than allowing him to grow up thinking that his dad is his bio-father, because the truth tends to come out at some point (often over something like blood groups or a health issue that is due to genetics), and the realisation that the truth has been hidden from you all your life is devastating.

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