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im still standing - only just

(8 Posts)
Dontknowwhatithink Sun 30-Sep-12 22:59:09

some of you may remember me from July - you were amazing - the support you gave me that night was awesome and you got me through a very difficult time when I discovered my Dh was having an affiar - I am eternally grateful to you and also to me RL friend who rumbled me from my posting and was and still is an amazing friend through the past few moths.

Well dh and I are still together - just. I confronted him - he denied it to the hilt until I was quoting the string of emails he sent her whilst we were on holiday ...... upshot is he ended it - she kept emialing him and texting him saying she would be happy to continue in secret.

if i have my level head on - he is no longer hiding his phone at every occassion. I check his email daily and nothing - also his facebook has nothing on it. but I can link into her facebook as she messaged me several times in one day saying give him up etc etc and then that he had devastated her (after she had posted evidence of their affair on his facebook). Silly cow.

apparently we are 'working on things' although he seems to be happy papering over the cracks.

On one hand I hate who I have become - constanting checking on him and feeling very needy most of the time. Other times I am of the mindset that if he wants to continue it with her then I cant stop him - eventually I will find out and no second chances.

I am more aware of my personal finances - building up my bolt fund, as it were. It is still early days - we are talking of holidays next year and making plans which is 'nice' but I am wondering when my distrust in him will ever cease. Do I really want it to go?

I think ive given him the easy option - as far as he is aware no one knows so he feels he can carry on as normal without the guilt trip when he sees my family. In reality they all know - I love and trust my family immensely and whilst they really dont like him they are putting on a good show - for me. We are of the ilk of when it comes down to it we pull forces and are there for each other - something dh will never understand - so I am eternally grateful for having them in my life.

Oh and before anyone posts - this has been the hardest decision in my life to say I can forgive the sex. The deceit is something else entirely ...................

if youve read this far then thankyou.

if you are my RL friend who rumbled me on here then you know what a tower of strength you have been to me - thank you millions.

thats all really ........................ for now.

tribpot Sun 30-Sep-12 23:06:32

It sounds like only one of you is really working on salvaging your marriage. Why not tell him your family know about his behaviour? Why not tell your friends? You need support whilst you go through this period, so why shouldn't you ask for it?

What is he doing to try and allay some of your (very understandable) insecurities and fears? Does he understand that it may be a long time before you can put this behind you? That you may have questions he finds acutely uncomfortable to answer for months? (I'm guessing not; what would he say if you told him?)

Are you managing to get some time for yourself? Not to think about this necessarily but to look after yourself and have some quiet time.

Dontknowwhatithink Sun 30-Sep-12 23:10:44

good point. i dont know.
yes I am doing things to please myself these days.
its a journey and I honestly dont think there is a right or wrong - different relationships etc..................... are handled in different ways. Ive changed. I dont think that is a bad thing.

I've been where you are sad

All i can say is, don't leave here. Sooner or later you will look at him and narrow your eyes and think 'You CUNT ' and know he isn't worth the hurt, then, now or in the future.

I left here, and now i'm back on here and seeing other people and their devastation, am wondering why the fuck i stayed with him and now looking at him and wondering what we have together if it wasn't for DS.

Its not a bad thing at all that you've changed, i have too.. you will stay and the pain will lessen, eventually to almost nothing, or you will have things click into place that make you decide he isn't the man for you, and you'll leave.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 01-Oct-12 08:04:10

What is HE doing to help you recover?

Is he addressing his own issues and personality flaws that led to the affair?

Establishing boundaries?


Reading? Two books I would recommend are SHirley Glass's Not Just Friends and Linda McDonald's How to Help your Spouse...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Oct-12 09:32:41

I agree with ThingsThatMake and also experienced the narrowing of the eyes moment myself. Trust is not something you can rationally decide to do or not do... it's a visceral reaction that you can't control. You shouldn't have to be checking up and feeling needy because none of those things happen in a secure, loving, trusting relationship. No matter how much you want to forgive and no matter how brave a face you can wear, if you don't like the way it makes you feel then you are better off ending it and starting fresh.

skyebluesapphire Mon 01-Oct-12 10:14:17

My STBXH walked out and after that I discovered he was texting/emailing his best mates wife over 100 times a day.... At the time I would have forgiven him anything as I was in shock and just wanted him back.

But now, I realise that I could never forgive the deceit and that it would have eaten away at me and ruined everything anyway.... so I understand how you feel.

I hope that things get better for you..

CrispyHedgehog Mon 01-Oct-12 10:36:25

Just over two and a half years ago I was where you are now.

the checking and snooping went on for about 8 months, and then I realised I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth anyway so what was the point? He didn't do any soul searching or trying to figure out what made him do it so it wouldn't happen again, he did have some therapy over the phone but I suspect he did the poor me thing and blamed everyone and everything else so I doubt it was any use, he had that for about 3 months I think.

6 months ago I asked him to leave. He moved back in with his parents and he's still there. In that time, he's done some internet dating (beware all you PoF users!) tried to rekindle things with ow - who sent him packing grin and now he's pestering to come back to me, errr no thanks.

I agree with the pp who said keep posting here.. there are some seriously wise and fantastic women on this site and you will benefit greatly from their input. I disappeared and went alone.. biggest mistake I ever made and could have saved myself 2 extra years of misery.

Be good to yourself op, it's a hard road you're on right now xx

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