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Should I dump DP? Won't get married.

(144 Posts)
BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 17:10:45

He doesn't want to marry me basically.

After years of not wanting to get married, I've had a change of heart recently. I like the idea of that extra commitment, the contract or promise. Formalising our family (just us for now, hopefully DC not too far off).

We spoke about it a few months ago and I explained how I felt and that I want to get married, not have a wedding. He was up for us going down the town hall and just doing it one day. He explained he hadn't ever really wanted to get married but he was fine with this.

Then I talked about wondering whether I would regret my DB not being there when I got married. DP was v unhappy I had vocalised this, 'Next thing they'll be 100 people coming' etc etc. I said that we should talk about all of the options - just us, just us + DB or a small group (I think we counted about 20 close friend's and family).

Anyway for whatever reason a few weeks later we were talking about how much other people spend on their weddings and I said would a thousand pounds really be that bad and he said 'yes when I don't want to get married at all anyway'. Needless to say I was a bit upset about this, having (stupidly) thought that after we talked before, that he did want to marry me.

So I've been thinking about what to do now. Do I just accept that DP will never marry me and stay with him? Or do I move on and hops I meet someone who wants the same things as I do?

Abitwobblynow Sun 30-Sep-12 17:19:19

Move on.

I would like to be valued a bit more than that, not that it is a guarantee of any safety, but that isn't the point. The point is the declaration of commitment, and standing up in front of your friends and family to make that declaration. Takes a bit of courage and maturity.

Remember the tennis player Lleyton Hewitt? When he was asked what he was doing for his M to Kim Klijsters he replied 'just turn up, mate'.

She called it off a bit later - I presumed she picked up he just wasn't that into it/her, and had the self-esteem to draw a line.

They are both now happily married to other people, and parents, and there are no hard feelings. I really admire her for that, otherwise she could be another person whinging about their mistreatment on MN.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 17:19:54

Move on and meet someone else that wants the same things. Especially if you see DCs in your future. I'm glad you're thinking about the formalising/contractual aspect rather than the hearts and flowers romantic stuff. You don't have to be married to be a mother (I should know) but if things don't work out, you're far better protected as an exW than an exP.

BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 17:23:01

I knew you would say that. Actually crying now. Sitting in our lounge looking around me thinking, fucking hell do I actually really have to separate this whole life we have. sad

Feckbox Sun 30-Sep-12 17:24:23

If things don't work out you are not neccessarily better protected as an ex wife. Not If you earn lots more / have greater assets than him .

Feckbox Sun 30-Sep-12 17:26:08

Please don't cry, and don't rush to make decisions. Talk it through with him.
Why is it important for you to get married?
Why is it important for him not to?
Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 17:27:32

Don't cry. This is just one of 'those' moments where you have to be very clear about what you want and the downside of not getting it. Right now he thinks that marriage is just some idle thought that, if he ignores it, it'll go away. You have to make him see that you're serious somehow and if it ends up as 'marry me or leave' then that's a risk you take.

Feckbox Sun 30-Sep-12 17:27:32

And remember, you didn't want to get married for years either

MrsApplepants Sun 30-Sep-12 17:28:24

If I was me, I would move on. It doesn't sound like you are both on the same page regarding your relationship.

Lifeissweet Sun 30-Sep-12 17:33:04

I'm not so sure. I'm on the other side of this problem at the moment. I have been divorced for 3 years and now have a DD with my now DP. I love him. I want to be with him for the rest of our lives, but I don't want to marry him.

Basically, I want to retain my independence. I have a Will to split my assets between DP and my children (DS from marriage) and I own my own home. I feel quite strongly that I want to stay separate in that respect. I am happy to stand up in front of people and have a ceremony, if that's what he wants. I would wear a ring and even change my name, but I don't want a legally binding commitment because I've done it before and it took so long to extricate myself from it.

That is not to say that I'm not that into him. It is not to say that I am lacking in commitment. I feel that getting married would be getting carried away with hearts and flowers, when actually it is a legal contract and that is what I don't want.

I think maybe I just don't want to do it again, too. I did it all. I made those promises - and then I broke them. I don't feel like I can make promises like that if I can't keep them. Does that make sense?

Probably not, but that's how I feel and I can't help it. I would be really upset if DP left me over it.

nkf Sun 30-Sep-12 17:33:44

I think you're giving him a hard time to be honest. You used to want the same thing as him. Then you changed your mind. Fine. He went along with that. Fine. Now you want something else. He probably think it's the thin end of the wedge and it'll end up with doves and favours and weekends spent looking at swatches.

Just dial it down a bit.

gallicgirl Sun 30-Sep-12 17:39:08

Will he do all the other legal stuff like wills and life insurance?

Vinomcstephens Sun 30-Sep-12 17:41:43

I agree with nkf. you both said you didn't want to get married, then you changed your mind. First town hall, then a slightly bigger wedding party, then £1,000....I completely agree that he's now thinking "bugger me, what have I agreed to?!" I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down - you obviously love your DP so why break up a relationship you're happy in? You said you're hoping to have children with him so he can't be all that bad! You have to remember that you are the one that changed your mind so you really should be a bit more understanding that your DP isn't in the same place as you - yet!

LeFreak Sun 30-Sep-12 17:43:49

I agree with nkf. You agreed to get married at the town hall with no fuss. Now you're gradually trying change this by adding 20 guest and a 1000 pound spend. He probably feels he's gradually being pressured into something he didn't want.

BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 17:46:42

I said we talked about whether to invite others. I would actually be happy with just the two of us, which i have told him. And I should have been clear - the reference to spending money on weddings was re other people, not us.

WinklyFriedChicken Sun 30-Sep-12 17:48:01

You do seem to be moving the goal posts quite a bit. Do you want to get married or have you actually decided you would like a wedding? Can't blame the man for being put off, especially since he has said he would marry you, so its not as if he isn't committed.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 30-Sep-12 17:49:25

How is he otherwise? Is he good to you? Would you trust him absolutely if you had children with him? Has he ever shown any signs of not taking your relationship seriously?

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 18:07:28

Mountain out of molehills comes to mind. He's not averse to marrying you, he just doesn't want a big do and I certainly don't blame him for that.

Why don't the two of you slope off and get married in your local registry office/Town Hall - who should be able to dredge up a couple of witnesses - followed by fine dining and a night in a 5* hotel and then throw party to announce the news?

Job done.

NB: you can't just rock up on the day and expect to do the deed as there are certain formalities to complete first - unless, of course, you take yourself off to LV and the Little Chapel of St Elvis grin

BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 18:11:02

No, he just doesn't want to get married at all now, full stop.

Seems mistake I made apparently was to discuss my feelings with him about wondering if I/we would regret not having family there. Sounds like I should have just shut up and been grateful he'd do it with just the two of us.

MsKayGee Sun 30-Sep-12 18:13:28

Book the local registry office. Tell your DP the date and the time. Get two witnesses off the street. Job done.

He'll be there.

If you now come up with a million excuses why you can't or won't do that then you know for yourself that it's more about 'the wedding' than marriage.

BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 18:13:39

orange He is generally good to me. I trust him. He's pretty insensitive though and can't seem to talk about things with considering them arguments. This is an eg. of that. Thinks me saying, 'Well, hold on, let's think about this....' is me being a pain in the arse.

I do over think things sometimes - he describes this as 'pissing about' while he makes snap decisions.

BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 18:15:09

MrsKay I would happily. I don't think he will now. Tried talking to him about it today and he's now not taking to me.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname Sun 30-Sep-12 18:17:20

So is he now saying directly he will not marry you?

I am always 100% in favour of the reluctant partner getting over their issues with marriage and naming the day. However, it does sound as though the goalposts have shifted quite a bit. Be really honest with yourself: are you now becoming drawn to the more weddingy wedding idea? If so, you may need to compromise. If he really is refusing outright thouhg then he's being an idiot and that is probably a clear signal that it can't be resolved.

RandomMess Sun 30-Sep-12 18:17:39

Well if you can't discuss this properly then that doesn't bode well, he avoids confrontation...

BexFactor Sun 30-Sep-12 18:18:04

(sorry I really wasn't clear in my OP. he now doesn't want to marry me at all.)

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