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Epiphany!! he's doing it on purpose!! but why??

(31 Posts)
Epiphanic Sun 30-Sep-12 16:44:18

Ever since I met DP he has 90% been great and optimistic about our future but 10% of the time he'd chuck in a bit of negativity such as "oh it's all moving a bit fast" or "I don't want to tell too many people about us incase it doesn't work out" etc etc

This really made me paranoid and insecure. I'd be all loved up and happy and then he'd say something to suggest that actually - we wasn't going to last.

I spoke to him about it, told him how it made me feel. He saw how it made me feel. He saw how it started eating me up not knowing what was going on and he would reassure me that we were fine, he was just a natural born worrier. But it made ME worry constantly.

Anyway - moving on - this weekend we're sat in a pub, had a few to drink and he said "ooo it's all moving a bit fast isn't it? it's scary really, it's all happening too soon isn't it?" and a lightblub flicked on in my head. He was watching me for a reaction - I saw it for the first time, body language - he was doing it on purpose. For this reason I just shrugged and said "maybe, what will be will be, not going to stress myself over it, life is too short!" and he seemed REALLY shocked by this. He followed it up with "oh, I should really arrange for you to meet my mum - but it's too soon isn't it, I mean, I don't know you THAT well, it could all end next week". Now this pissed me off because I've just let him meet my kids and he says he doesn't know me well enough to let me meet his mother??? but I could literally see he was doing it on purpose, looking for a reaction. So again I shrugged and said "yeah well, I'll leave that with you, whatever!" and smiled. He seemed confused and then started going on about how we should seriously consider living together next year.

So, I'm right arn't I - he's doing the whole "negative vibes" on purpose isn't he? does he enjoy my insecurity? why else would he do it??

Or have I got it wrong and he genuinely does question us being together? but if this is the case, why the follow up conversation about living together?

CailinDana Sun 30-Sep-12 16:49:02

It sounds like you're right, he does it on purpose. I would guess he enjoys your discomfort because it reassures him that you're into him. It could be that he's just insecure, or it could be that he's a nasty twat who likes having power over you. That's for you to decide really.

What do you think?

LolaCola1 Sun 30-Sep-12 16:50:11

How long have you been together?

LolaCola1 Sun 30-Sep-12 16:51:47

Might be worth laying your cards on the table.

' Stop saying this stuff as it's upsetting. If you continue to do it then I will finish the relationship as I don't like you trying to unsettle me in this way. '

And see what he has to say to that.

glastocat Sun 30-Sep-12 16:55:49

I agree with?olacila,. Don't let him getaway with this, tell him it upsets you, then watch to see if he does it again. It's a red flag IMO, but I would give him a chance.but only one!

glastocat Sun 30-Sep-12 16:56:13


susiedaisy Sun 30-Sep-12 16:57:22

I agree with Dana

fiventhree Sun 30-Sep-12 17:04:53

If you think he is enjoying your discomfort he is abusive, and a nasty game player. And you have only just met him recently. So these days, if it were me, he would have to go.

Its one thing beig young and making excuses for al the red flags, but quite another recognising them and still going ahead.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 17:13:56

Why? Because he's manipulating your reaction. Making you say the thing he wants to hear which is presumably... 'it's not happening too soon, I really want this to happen'.. by lobbing doubt into the conversation. I'd be wondering what other buttons he was pressing that you haven't noticed yet.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 30-Sep-12 17:16:05

RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND, epi. stay with him and he'll soon turn out to be 90% twat.

Lougle Sun 30-Sep-12 17:16:59

Could he be anxious and looking for reassurance? Only you can tell, really.

Epiphanic Sun 30-Sep-12 17:26:35

I really don't know, I just don't get it. He texts me every day without fail, always arranging stuff for us to do, takes me out all the time, he's so sweet to me when we're together and as I say, he's started talking about us moving in together - even though he'll be paying for 90% of the costs of buying somewhere, he's willing to go wherever I want for the sake of the kids' schooling so he does act like a nice guy - it's just these little niggles. I really didn't want to bring these comments up on the night because I wanted to be all calm and cool to throw him off but it was on my mind all night. Next morning, when he'd sobered up I told him how it had made me feel and he said he was just being stupid and I need to not take him so seriously!

OneMoreGo Sun 30-Sep-12 17:28:41

He's doing it because he's a knob.

And he likes keeping you on the back foot.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Sep-12 17:32:55

so, now you have had your lightbulb moment (and I agree with your summing-up, actually) you are going to dump him, right ?

or are you going to go along, and in fact join in with, the game playing ?

TheBirderer Sun 30-Sep-12 17:34:27

I think it's about stroking his ego and keeping you keen and uncertain to make himself feel better. It's a pretty shitty thing to do and a mean way to use someone. And it is manipulative. Insecure or not, it's not a good way to be when a relationship is a partnership of equals... keeping your OH off-balance is odd.

Busybusybust Sun 30-Sep-12 17:46:07

Mmmmmm - could he not be doing this because he (shock-horror) actually is worried that it IS going too fast. He sounds less 'life-savvy' Than you
OP. give him a chance to explain himself.

Vinomcstephens Sun 30-Sep-12 17:47:32

He sounds like an arse, if you don't mind me putting it bluntly! Come on, this is a guy you really like and he's met your kids - yet he's playing mind games with you and enjoys making you feel anxious and playing on your insecurity? What normal person would do that to someone they're in an apparently happy relationship with? I assume you haven't been together very long - if he's this much of a tool now, what will he be like in a few years time?

Flisspaps Sun 30-Sep-12 17:50:15

I'd call him and say yes, you agree, it's all going too fast, and so you're slowing things down - in fact, you're stopping them completely, fuckety-bye.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 30-Sep-12 17:51:30

And why is he doing it?. Because he can and he wants you to react. Its a power and control issue this, he likes keeping you on the back foot and wrong footing you.

How long have you been together by the way?.

Kernowgal Sun 30-Sep-12 17:51:48

How long have you been together?

He sounds to me like he's constantly testing you, testing your commitment. My ex did this, and it got very tiresome very quickly. It's manipulation, and not the sign of someone who really wants to be with you. Take yourself out of the relationship - what would you advise a friend who told you that her partner was behaving similarly?

solidgoldbrass Sun 30-Sep-12 17:53:06

The idea is to put himself in control and have you constantly worrying that you're going to be dumped or that you could be dumped at any moment if you are not sufficiently obedient.

Badvoc Sun 30-Sep-12 17:54:29

And dont look back.

ThatBintAgain Sun 30-Sep-12 17:58:06

The beginning part of relationships is supposed to be the best bit, so if it's already not living up to expectations...

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Sep-12 18:02:31

I assume it's because then you fall over yourself to convince him it is what you want, he's the fucking nuts and also start seeming uncertain and worried that you need to 'try harder' to keep him.

I would call him on it, tell him you are aware he's constantly asking you if you think if the relationship is going to fast, if he thinks it is, you wish he'd be man enough to say so. You can't be arsed with game playing so if he can't sort that out, you'll walking away.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname Sun 30-Sep-12 18:03:06

Maybe you need to start taking a step back and see how he responds. I know you said he's met your kids, but I would be tempted to say something like 'Given that we're a bit worried about the speed of our relationship, I think actually it's too soon for you to spend lots of time with the kids'. I presume this would also limit the time he spends with you. There is nothing more likely to make a contrary person back down than to cheerfully agree with them.

I do think this is a big red flag but I think now you've had the 'ephiphany', you can afford a little time to assess it, and him, further. But be very cautious.

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