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I want nothing to do with him

(90 Posts)
30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 16:33:54

My Mum gave birth to me shortly before her 21st birthday. The person who impregnated her didn't want to know and I have never met him or had any contact with him. He was nasty and abusive. He was not named on my birth certificate. My Mum married and my dad adopted me shortly after. I have a great relationship with my parents and I am very close to both of them. 2 weeks ago, we received a phone call from a neighbour telling us that a man has been around several times in the last few weeks asking after me, telling them that i am his daughter hmm. He has written a letter (posted to my old address and them passed on to us) in which he explains that he has thought about me everyday for the last 30+ years, that at the time things were 'difficult' and that he will give me a few weeks before he pursues contact with me. He also can't understand why I haven't searched for him. I don't want to know him. I'm happy, I have great parents and I have thought about him very very rarely - my DH didn't even know his name and we have been together over 12 years. I have written and posted a very short note in which i have explained that he should not try to contact me again and that I am not interested. My Dad has today spoken to my DH and warned him that this man is trouble. He threatened my dad when he started seeing my Mum and told my Dad to watch his back. My Dad is worried because he doesn't think this man will give up trying to contact me easily or do as I have asked in the note. This man does not know where we live now and there or none of my contact details on the note. What shall I do if he still tries to make contact? I feel as though i am going to be looking over my shoulder for a while.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 30-Sep-12 16:38:10

What a horrible situation to be in. I'm glad you have such loving parents.

I wonder why this man has chosen to contact you now and not before. You say he was abusive and threatened your dad. Did anything ever come of that threat? I wonder whether he'd been in prison - does that sound far fetched?

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 16:42:30

It doesn't sound far fetched. I have no idea. My DH is also wondering why he wants to make contact now too. I really don't know very much about him apart from his name. My parents would have told me but i've really never asked or been interested. My dad is ill and due to start cancer treatment tomorrow so could really do without the worry.

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 16:50:28

If you become the recipient of unwanted contact that is tantamount to harassment, speak to the police.

However, 30 years is a long time ago and whatever your biological father may have been then could be very different to how he is today.

I suggest you take steps to meet him either alone or with your dh and reserve judgement until you've heard what he has to say. If, after meeting with him, you want nothing further to do with him or want time to think about whether you wish to see to him again, make your feelings known to him.

Before rejecting the notion of meeting him out of hand, remember that in these days of advancement in genetic research it can be advantageous to know what illnesses/traits may run in both one's maternal and paternal families.

If I were you, I'd also want to know whether I had paternal half-siblings/dgpps/aunts/uncles/cousins etc - in short, I'd have a lot of questions to ask about my family tree as well as wanting to know what manner of man my biological father is.

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 16:52:52

I really don't see that you need to worry your dps as it's unlikely your biological father wants to meet them and you're also unlikely to need protecting from him - but if you do, that's what your dh is for smile

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 16:57:52

Sorry Izzy but I want nothing to do with him. I shall speak to the police if he makes further contact or continues to harass neighbours. One of the people he spoke to was quite intimidated by him. I already have a non hereditary serious chronic condition that I manage perfectly well and a huge extended family.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 30-Sep-12 17:02:34

Are you positive that your parents are telling the truth about this man? Lots of people slag off their exs, two sides to every story etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 17:03:31

Someone's already mentioned the police and it may be that, if he does turn out to be persistent, you have to consider talking to a solicitor about an exclusion order for your whole family. I think you're quite right not to want to have anything to do with him and, even if everyone is 30 years older, he's already causing a lot of upset and needs to be nipped in the bud. Would also suggest that you have a family meeting about this sooner rather than later. There's too much passing on of messages and notes at the moment.... something could slip through the net.

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 17:10:34

I'm sure that the little i have been told is the truth. He has never been slagged off by my parents. I've never asked about him so I have been told very little. I really have never had any desire to know. I don't even want to know any more information about him now. My dad has said that he and my Mum will support me if I did decide to contact him. It is my choice. I just don't want to have any contact with him. Simple. Hopefully he will respect my wishes and stay away.

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 17:16:20

It's only now that the letter has been posted that my dad has spoken to my DH and told him that this man was abusive and threatening and that he doesn't think he will respect my wishes. My dad didn't want my DH to tell me any of this. Just wanted DH to be aware of it and prepared. They hadn't told me these things before.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 17:23:12

This is absolutely not the time for your parents to protect you from the truth. You're an adult, you've got a potentially difficult situation on your hands and you need all the information, warts and all ... not some sanitised version delivered via your DH.

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 17:32:30

You make sense Cognito - i just want to live in ignorant bliss and hope he will go away. I think I would rather not know the warts and all.

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 17:52:46

In that case, the only way to deal with this situation is to wait and see what his reponse is to your note, if any, and contact the police if he becomes persistent.

I hope this matter is speedily resolved to your satisfaction and, in the meantime, I wish your dad a successful outcome to his treatment.

solidgoldbrass Sun 30-Sep-12 17:56:38

If you need to, talk to the police and a solicitor. There is no way you can be forced to have contact with this man even if he is your biological father; you are an adult and you have every right to refuse any kind of relationship with any adult for any reason.

BTW, I was adopted as a baby and have never traced or had any contact with my biofamily. I'm just not that bothered (though there is no suggestion that any of them were abusive or bad people, I know nothing about them). So don't get too hung up on people bleating 'But he's your faaaaaather!'

perplexedpirate Sun 30-Sep-12 18:05:08

Sometimes I worry that this will happen to me. I imagine it is very very unsettling. sad
I would consider contacting the police (your LA should be able to give you the number of your neighbourhood pc) and talk to them. They will take you seriously and advise you of further steps that can be taken and how to keep safe.

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 18:08:30

Thanks Izzy & Solid. Solid - i feel exactly the same. No one ever said he was abusive before this. And I know that people can change after so long but I'm just not interested. I also don't know what to call him. Biological what? Not father, not dad. 'This man' seems to be the only name I'm comfortable with. I also don't want to use his name. Not sure why. He's a complete stranger who I don't want in my life.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 30-Sep-12 18:11:25

You have every right not to want anything to do with him. He hasn't taken an interest for 30 years and approaching neighbours and saying you are his daughter is a completely inappropriate way to handle things and doesn't bode well.

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 18:13:16

Perplexed - it is unsettling. I'd never even thought about making contact & it had never crossed my mind that he would make contact with me. I feel as though I'm being watched in a funny way even though he doesn't know where I live yet.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 30-Sep-12 18:14:04

He also can't understand why I haven't searched for him.

This doesn't suggest much insight, either. He abandoned your mother, didn't act as a father to you and someone else filled the space he'd left. Why the fuck would you go looking for someone who did that to you and your mum?

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Sun 30-Sep-12 18:15:07

This is up to you.
You do not owe him anything.
If you do not want to see him then don't.

He is maybe trying to make himself feel better about his past or is a lonely old man with fantasies about a loving DD who will look after him.
Perhaps NORCAP or After Adoption can advise?

I hope you can sort this. It must be really hard.

30ish Sun 30-Sep-12 18:17:06

Thank you Tired. I was very annoyed that he had called me his daughter. I just wonder why he wants contact now, after all this time. But that is all I wonder about & I can certainly live without knowing why if he leaves me alone.

Xenia Sun 30-Sep-12 18:17:23

The natural assumption is your parents might well be lying and wait to see if your father is as nasty as everyone is saying. You are gonig on what people have told you. That is h earsay. It could all be lies. Surely he has a moral right at least once to meet you perhaps at a neural place with your husband present.

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 18:17:43

Even if he were named on your birth certificate, you'd be under no obligation to use his surname and as you're married now and have, presumably, taken your dh's surname the question doesnt arise.

At best he was the sperm donor who facilitated your birth and I see no reason why he should become persistent after receiving your note.

If he becomes a nuisance, talk to the police. A police harassment warning is a draconian instrument of law that is more effective than any injunction and would serve to constrain him from making mention of the fact that you are his biological daughter.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Sun 30-Sep-12 18:23:21

Hardly the natural assumption Xenia

izzyizin Sun 30-Sep-12 18:30:17

As I see it all moral right is incumbent on him Xenia and, particularly if he hasn't contributed a penny towards the OP's upkeep since her birth, he's in no position to dictate terms.

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