please be honest, (but not too mean, eh? 
)
examples.
He decides to stop drinking tea and coffee. Feels great. Decides that I would feel wonderful if I stopped drinking tea and coffee. Goes on about it so much that I say oh FINE! ok. I'll stop drinking tea and coffee. I then just drink it behind his back and pretend I've stopped.
When we met, I was a smoker. We've been together 14 years and he thinks I stopped when we met. Cos he hated it. Nope. 
Apart from when I was pregnant, bf and the odd gaps of a year or two here and there, I puff on them. I can go days or weeks and then when I want to, I'll buy a pack and smoke the lot. I keep strong mouthwash and body spray in the car.
He goes through vitamin fads. He decides that we all must have this vitamin or that mineral, because it will be so good for us. Currently it's calcium. I don't see the benefit of taking all these suppliments and I've told him, but he goes on and on so I say oh FINE! ok then, if you'll shut up. Then I put them under my tongue and throw them in the bin.
He thinks he knows what's best for me all the time and he goes on and on and on until I give in because I just want him to shut the hell up. BUT. These are always things that he is convinced will help me to be happier/healthier and he's really enthusiastic about how much good they'll do me.
I can and do say I'm not interested. I'm not afraid of him. But I can't stand him in my face and it's easier to pretend to go along with it because he just won't shut up.
I could just actually go along with it. But I am so pissed off because I cannot tolerate what I feel is being told what to do, that I spit out pills, drink coffee on the sly, etc, like a secret two fingers up.
So. What's your view?
Criticism fine, personal abuse will probably make me cry 
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Relationships
Is my husband controlling, or am I childish and passive aggressive?
HecateHarshPants · 30/09/2012 08:32
yup.
Thank you. A bit of MN perspective needed and received. (and nicely. phew. )
It's odd how writing it down, posting it and reading it back can make you see it differently. 
His heart is in the right place. He is a bit of a know it all, that's true. The old 'when I married Mr Right, I didn't know his first name was Always' joke
but I have a big win/lose thing going on. Everything to me is about winning or losing. And I have to win (goes back to a childhood of being horribly horribly bullied to the point I tried to off myself) and I have to be in control.
But, he's not coming up with all this in order to make me worse off he just gets tunnel vision. He's like this in work too. obsessive about a single thing and can't do anything else.
So, yeah. I am a bit childish and he's a bit obsessive.
nope, he doesn't care when I eat, as long as I eat
nope, but he will pack me off to bed if he decides I look tired, on the grounds that I will feel so much better if I have slept.
he does feel that he should have the last word on decisions - cos he's convinced he's always right! When we were first together he did assure me that he would always "take my opinion into consideration when making his decision" he does come from a culture where women don't make the decisions and felt he was being really great by making this promise! BUT. If I put my foot down he will sometimes give in. If I make a good enough case. But I have to argue my case logically, citing examples.
He makes as many sacrifices as I do. More. He gave over his entire existence when I was ill, became my carer. Our children both have autism so he was sole carer for all three of us. He never complained and has never held it against me in any way.
My voice is heard, he just thinks he is always right and his way is the right way. He defaults to him being right and it is up to me to argue the case against.
The more I think it through and re read what I have put, the more I realise that controlling isn't the right word. And I hope I haven't upset/annoyed anyone who does have or has had to suffer a controlling relationship.
Funnily enough, it's me that's on the spectrum!
When we were going through all the assessments for the children, the team were quite clear on that and we've always believed that it is genetic, coming from my side of the family. With several members clearly on the spectrum.
Me and my husband were talking about his family members and several of the children were late talkers. One of them did have doctors suggest autism - big thing in kenya 30 years ago! My husband himself was developmentally delayed and kept back in school. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find he is on the spectrum, but he functions perfectly well, so there is no benefit to assessment.
However, he's so much better socially than me. He's the one who teaches me how to interact with people, what not to say (eg "I don't care" ) and points out when I'm stroking door handles again and when I've lost all my eye contact (when I am tired, ill or upset). He tells me when I am tired or poorly, because I can't tell [boggle]. He does my post interaction debriefs, that I need cos I get obsessive after I've met people and have to go over the whole thing, analysing it. His most annoying thing is his constant laughing. Hello. heeheehee, nice day isn't it hehehe. No idea of when you laugh and when you don't. Whereas I do.
by working together, we come up with one fully functioning person between us
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I've never connected my illness with his mission to find some holy grail of health.
How stupid am I?
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