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Like a teenager?

(21 Posts)
Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sun 30-Sep-12 00:52:10

I have been dating, in the 15 months since I split with my ex husband. A lot! Three flings lasting a few months at a time, and a few random dates.

Thursday night I went on a date with the most gorgeous man - literally drop dead. I'm surprised I wasn't dribbling! We're the same age, had a bit in common, he was funny and bright, he seemed to find me funny...we talked for hours over dinner..and then slut that I am, he came back to my flat and stayed over. He has made a bit of contact since, and he left his tshirt at my flat so he will have to come get it soon although I have been busy since..

What I'm really worried about is my behaviour. I constantly think about whichever guy I'm interested in, checking my phone, wingeing to my friends, family and the girls at work...I bore myself with this shit. I'm having NLP therapy, listening to hypnotherapy CDs, reading self help books, nothing makes me feel any less of an obsessive fuckwit!

Does anyone have any advice/miracle cures? I was prescribed antidepressants which I was told would help with the relationship anxiety, but they made me so nauseous and being a skinny minny already I decided that would present a new set of problems!

omfgkillmenow Sun 30-Sep-12 00:57:02

totally normal

allchangeplease Sun 30-Sep-12 01:04:23

love your name, OP, don't we all end up doing that!
I'm curious where do you meet these guys? do you ask them out?
It may be just a phase post-marriage, where you've reverted to teenage mentality, it hasn't been that long and you may be still finding your balance. But if it lasts much longer, then you may need to talk to a counsellor/life coach about learning to relax. If you want some kind of fix now, try yoga/meditation in small doses, even any exercise tends to help anxiety.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sun 30-Sep-12 01:05:31

Thanks omfg Is it normal? I feel like I'm going insane!

My only long term relationship was with my housemate at uni. We lived together straight away, cut through all of the 'oh I can't let him see me with out make up and must always wear sexy clothes' crap, he was there holding my hair when I had a stomach bug, and there when I cried after my parents affair. We were together ten years, he was firing blanks, and in the end he cheated on me and dumped me. Sounds sad, but I was fine and actually I think he did me a massive favour as we'd grown apart.

I am constantly reading into everything - example of thoughts swimming around and around - if he said have a good day, does that mean he's fobbing me off and not interested? If he doesn't make contact for 24 hours, has he lost interest? Should I tell him to bugger off before he hurts me?


Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sun 30-Sep-12 01:08:55

Dating site, allchangeplease. Turns out I'm not the Quasimodo I had imagined smile

allchangeplease Sun 30-Sep-12 01:16:29

well it's not ENTIRELY normal at a mature age grin, but neither it's that unusual for someone who is new to dating scene (and you never dated much before). I think part of this anxiety is sleeping with your dates very quickly, it definitely does increase the closeness if the sex was good and then leads to wanting more/thinking of hom more/ being anxious. Try and see whether yo feel more relaxed when NOT rushing into sex, assuming you aer not sticking with the current guy. Or if you want him in particular, try to pull back when he comtacts you, i.e. don't jump at his messages but take your time so that he starts chasing you more so there is some balance. It'sa bit of a Rules advice but in your case it may be useful as you have missed the experience that most women have by this time in life.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sun 30-Sep-12 01:36:39

You're right. I know you're right.

When I was stood in the car park after the date, entirely sober, he kissed me and then he was smiling at me all gorgeous saying 'What now then?' a big voice was saying 'Nothing! Nothing! Go home and sleep!' but my insecure self says - 'he might never see me again anyway? And it'd be a crime to pass up this man'.

In a perfect world, I'd know I was amazing and think HE'D be lucky to see ME again...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 10:50:04

If you're worried about your behaviour then stop dating for a while. Improve your social life in other ways, make new female and male friends, pursue hobbies and activities. 'Dates' are very loaded occasions with lots of expectations of what happens at the end of the evening. If you're not confident in yourself because you never went through the teenage dating phase it's easy to get swept along and think that you have to sleep with someone in order for them to like you. Develop your self-confidence, you won't act so desperately and you'll find it easier to maintain your self-respect.

Conflugenglugen Sun 30-Sep-12 17:10:06

OP, why are you a slut because he stayed over the first night? Is he a slut for sleeping with you?

I don't think this is about sex at all; it's about self-worth. You can fuck as much as you like and hold yourself in esteem at the same time. That might deal with the obsessive behaviour you feel locked into after you've met someone.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Mon 01-Oct-12 02:35:41

Thank you Cogito and Confugen.

Not sure why I feel like a slut. I like being able to do what I want, I just beat myself up a bit mentally afterwards. I think it's the 'nice girls don't' mentality, being slightly overtaken by the 'oh bugger it, I want to feel like a sex goddess tonight' mentality... smile

Self confidence is something I've always struggled with. Have a great new bunch of friends and have given notice on my 1 bed flat to live in a lovely shared house. Hopefully I'll save some money again, and be able to afford a few interests. I find these days, I fake the confidence, outwardly, hoping that one day it'll feel real. I badly want the confidence to come from within, and not be defined by a bloody relationship.

The 'gorgeous' man - not so gorgeous.

Earlier on, being the impulsive creature I am, I tried to call. He didn't pick up. I text - i thought we got on, but if this isn't going to go anywhere, I'd rather know now, life's too short.

He said he wasn't ready, and he wanted to be friends.

I said no thank you, and that his strange behaviour had made me feel used. He said that my forward behaviour meant I was bound to get used??

To which I replied. Oh dear. You're an idiot.

Really want to write 'dick' on his T-shirt in lipstick, but I won't.


Conflugenglugen Mon 01-Oct-12 08:34:52

Unfortunately, Iget, you just encountered a defensive man who played the same 'slut' card that so many people do. He is being a cock. I think what you wrote to him was perfect; and now you can ignore that voice in the back of your head saying that he is somehow right. Just don't give it space. Tell it to bugger off.

I think your lifestyle changes are going to go a very long way towards helping you regain some of that self-esteem and -belief that life somehow knocked out of you. Have you considered therapy? That can work wonders if you find the right therapist.

Your story has some things in common with mine. I have been separated, now divorced, from my exDH for about 18 months, and since then I have had sex with five men, and fallen in love and been broken-hearted once. It has been a very effective part of a broad process of self-recovery.

I had sex with each man, barring one, on the first date - because it felt right. I wasn't throwing myself away; I was most certainly not a slut. I was enjoying myself, and I wanted to enjoy myself. They all called back, barring a deliberate one-night-stand, with whom I'm still in touch by text, and in fact I was the one who ended more of them than not because, as much as I loved and appreciated them all, they were not what I am looking for in terms of a long-term relationship.

I am in therapy twice a week (part of it is because of my work), and that, combined with consciously pushing against self-imposed boundaries that needed a shove or two, has helped me rediscover my self-esteem. I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 11:12:55

ABsolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with someone on a first date provided you're doing it for the right reasons. However, in many people it triggers a release of sex hormones that make us 'fall in love' (even if it's only a temporary madness rather than the real thing, AKA lust grin), and that's where the obsessive behaviour comes from. Totally normal and very common.

If you are such an afflicted person, you either stop sleeping with people so quickly, or you accept it and find ways to manage it, which may be simply a case of still feeling obsessive but making sure you control your outward behaviour.

Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 11:13:38

Just read your last post. Yuck. Better of without him, definitely.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Oct-12 11:21:00

Perhaps you are not cut out to be the type of person who sleeps with someone on a first date, and then can remain cool and not bothered about them

Nothing wrong with that....however, you seem to be trying to re-invent yourself into someone you are not, because you think this is how dating is "these days". Just a thought ?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Wed 03-Oct-12 02:09:47

Same Conflugen, the flings I've had have all stemmed from sex on the first date and they did carry on for a few months each.

I have also had sex with two others on the first date, and felt nothing and ended it quickly afterwards.

I've also - only once, admittedly, made a guy wait 4 dates to then have sex and still felt nothing. So I know it can be done, and I don't fall in lust with anyone and everyone (which is a bloody relief!)

I think,*AnyFucker*, I have a major conflict to my personality. I have a crazy little risky devil side that is hell bent on fun - do now! Fuck the consequences! - and this nice girls don't side, that wants to be sensible and classy and boring really. Since the split, the fun side has gone wild. I feel like I should grab every opportunity, I didn't get when in my dull 10 year relationship.

I had an odd phone call from afore mentioned Dick today. He called to tell me he'd picked the tshirt up (which of course, I knew!). Bit of small talk - why was he calling?

Hours later on, I text 'Maybe we could be friends..?' to which he replied 'Of course!' and then chatted away - by text, to me for another hour or so.

And then after that triggered a few hours of mentally beating myself up over flings that ended over the last year or so - imagining them with faceless women, remembering things they said, how they touched me and just generally feeling alone and unloved. No tears, and I don't feel hopeless, but I seem to have to go through this pattern of reminding myself of guys I've 'lost'.

More therapy tomorrow. I wish it would flick a switch in my brain and it'd all fall into place!

greeneyed Wed 03-Oct-12 08:41:53

Don't entertain this man as a friend, my gut is he'll just see you as someone he can shag when he feels like it but with no committment, won't do your self esteem any favours. Sorry

Mellower Wed 03-Oct-12 08:46:31

Completely normal, I have been through about 20 dates in 18 months blush I have actually lost track of myself and the names, still cannot find any sparks but I know what I was doing, I was trying to see if men like me, I think I have proved this point.

So no more dating for me just now, I am all date-ed out! blush

Mellower Wed 03-Oct-12 08:53:33

Oh I have also been a slut, a slut that some man thought he could use when he needed sex. I have now told this man "I am not your make me come person anymore, go watch some porn please and never text me again and also the ounch marks in your doors are not*normal*". smile This was after 5/6 ignored texts and the man would not get the message!!!

1 down 2 to go...... I also do not like hurting people so now I have decided to just lead them on instead. confused

I feel quite brave this week though so I am thinking by Friday/Saturday I will once again be left with no men, which is fine as I am completely and utterly sick of them tbh and they are all pissing me off big-time!

I now have realised I actually have no space in my life for a man just now, I like my me and my DC set-up, I don't want to mess it up.

Mellower Wed 03-Oct-12 08:54:16


Mellower Wed 03-Oct-12 09:10:09

Wow at flings for 3 months, mines usually get a taxi phoned after 2/3 hours.

(I take my phone upstairs - phone a taxi and them throw them out)

I even made up a HUGE lie, that my parents were arguing and my Dad was coming to live with me hmm and many other random lies, I want to meet them, I meet them, I don't like them, one guy got lucky, think this is possibly as I had no sex in 18 months and talking to him for 6 months, I felt some weirdy connection. grin He is the punching door guy which I was in love for - for 2/3 weeks.

Now he is just a little non attractive person, who lies about his height but somehow - I managed to ignored the looks and turn him into a god for a few weeks.

All normal. I have no experience in dating either married very young for 16 years, then suddenly felt the need to go date lots of men.

I even tried one guy twice, thought perhaps I may like him 2nd time around but nope, asked him to take me home after 1.5 hours.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Wed 03-Oct-12 21:48:42

Therapy was interesting today. My therapist pointed out what some of the lovely ladies here have - that he feels a part of me feels bad about what I'm doing - the sex on the first date thing.

We discussed my need for perfectionism - Thursdays date was the first one where I couldn't plan ahead and be completely done up to the nines - hair deep conditioned, nails toes painted, fake tan applied... This time I had 30 minutes to dry shampoo my hair and just applied a bit more make up. I even wore jeans, when normally I wear a sexy dress. He still fancied me. Normally my flat is - to the naked eye - organised and neat, as I've planned ahead just in case they come back. In everyday life, I'm a bit scruffy with leaving piles of stuff around, and again he saw the scruff and smiled.

He also suggested maybe I was giving my absolute all to the guys I wanted a relationship with, including the sex - what if I tried changing tac...starting slow and building up to the physical? I've tried sex on the first date and it hasn't leant itself to any lasting relationships, so why not adapt the dating modus operandum. I feel empowered tonight! When somethings not working, its time to change...

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