How important are romantic gestures?

[NoWaterAfterMidnight]

I will try to make this as short as possible. Have namechanged cause it's a bit of an embarassing situation and I KNOW I should never have got into a distance 'thing'. I 'met; someone nearly a year ago online and we got close very quickly. At the time I was told he made regular trips to the UK so on that basis I decided to give things a whirl and was expecting to have met months ago. That didn't happen for a big variety of reasons.

He lied a while into it and to all extents and purposes 'cheated' because he carried on sleeping with a girl he told me he no longer had any contact with. I am sure it was not a patch on the people who have experienced this in real time relationships and marriages but was still pretty upsetting for me.

I was upset by the lying to my face, but he did a lot of talking about things being different and so I decided to carry on.

Anyway the tihng that has got to me a lot lately is that I've asked for some small gestures of romance and so on (cringey to have to ask but I know not everyone is good at this sort of thing), not because I want expensive gifts, but because I felt that little gestures would help me to feel better. I felt this because I am a very romantic person and also I felt the fact of someone sitting down and taking some time out of their day to make that gesture would show a certain commitment to change and so on. But I've been met with a total brick wall which I find quite hurtful.

I think it's pretty much done and dusted now but I suppose I just wanted to ask people how important they find romance and whether they felt that if someone was not prepared to even send a card or a letter and so on if it meant they really couldn't give a crap about you, even if they say they do? Thats what it feels like to me anyway.

He has told me doing romantic gestures are not important, they are a chor, I've placed too much pressure on it, that i expect too much and so on. But he has also maintained for months that he is mad about me. And I feel that if someone really is then, erm, dont they WANT to do little things to show it?

I know this is a bit of an unusual situation and no I will NOT be getting into another one of these types of 'relationships' again..its just surprising to me how deeply this has hurt me and how upsetting it is to have someone say one the one hand they care very much for you but they don;t actually show it?

Hope this makes some sense. wine has been drunk tonight......

[SuperB0F]

You shouldn't have to ask for it, I agree. It's either there or it isn't. If it isn't, move on.

[Feckbox]

You should never have to ask for someone to show their love.
And he's not that into you.
Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear

[NoWaterAfterMidnight]

@ SuperBof - Yea asking for it just seems to go against the point of it. And we have had a lot of talks about it but still nadda....

which leads me to Feckbox - I know. I just find it weird to believe that someone can spend that amount of time talking to someone i.e. every day for months but not give a crap? Its really odd in my opinion but maybe i was just a nice hobby or something....

[Dryjuice25]

Whatever you wanted him to buy for you go and buy for yourself. Will make you feel better....and really if you have to ask someone to show you love, me thinks it's time to move on.

[garlicnutty]

Good advice from Dryjuice :)

I think it's not so much about the romantic gestures themselves - it's the evidence that the other person thought about you and wants to please you. Hence why the most extravagant gesture feels empty if you had to ask for it.

I'm guessing he got more from your communications than you did. He didn't need, want or care to consider what you got out of it; just took what he wanted and got other stuff he wants from other people. More of a taker than a giver, in short.

Yh, move on. And show yourself how much you love you

[Grumpla]

He was basically shagging someone else but you're mainly upset that he didn't buy you cards and teddies?

I think you need to think long and hard about what you deserve and have a right to expect without prompting in a healthy relationship. Fidelity and honesty should be a LOT higher up the list than crappy and usually fairly meaningless "romantic" gestures!!!

Otherwise the next twat regularly bungs you £30-worth of flowers / tat from Clintons Cards and you waste even more of your time on a twat who doesn't deserve you.

[Thumbwitch]

If romantic gestures are important to you and the person cares about you then they will muster up the energy to do something about it. If they don't, then they don't care enough about you.

I'm not remotely fussed about romantic gestures - I prefer practical any day of the week - so DH not being romantic really doesn't bother me. Not helping out practically - another story entirely.

[RecklessRat]

I don't really understand why you're asking someone who has continually lied to you for "small romantic gestures". In fact, I don't really understand why you're even speaking to him at all?

How can you have romance without honesty?!

And even if you hadn't been lied to throughout, surely the most romantic thing he could do, after a year, would be to come and visit you?

Romance can be expressed in many different ways. For me, it's small expressions of love on a daily basis from my DH. I couldn't give a stuff about flowers or chocolates, but that's just me.

I think you're just clutching at straws here. You're going to get nothing at all from this online loser. You need to cut your ties with him and move on.

[rockinastocking]

One of my most appreciated 'romantic gestures' was a box of worming tablets.

I'd casually mentioned in a text that my dog had worms, the bloke in question knew I was at work and would be worried, and when I got home there was a box of tablets in a carrier bag hanging off the gate post.

He'd listened, I was clearly on his mind and he wanted to help me.

Made me weak at the knees

[Proudnscary]

Aww, love. The romantic gesture plea is just a red herring. You mean 'show me you care/respect/love me'. You deserve more, as you know. Don't be embarrassed about this - he's the dick, you're not. Learn from this.

My dh has never made me feel insecure or unwanted in 17 years so romantic gestures are not required. Though, off his own bat, he buys me flowers every month or two, and since we've become more solvent a few rather nice diamonds etc have come my way. I feel they are truly from the heart - to make me happy. I think the fact he knows I don't need or want them (well except the diamonds ) makes them mean something to both of us.

[OhEmGee24]

Confused...have you actually met this guy?!

[WinklyFriedChicken]

"romantic" gestures mean nothing. Anyone can fling a heart shaped piece of tat at someone. DH makes me go all soppy when he does something useful and thoughtful. Stupid example - I was heading to a party and asked him to pop the unwritten card in my handbag. He did, but also dug out a pen and put it in with the card.

But anyway. You're telling us about a lying uncommunicative cheat who won't do something simple to please you. How do you actually benefit from being around this dickhead?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Romantic gestures' are only part of the whole. Complete bastards are quite capable of romantic gestures because it takes no effort to hand over a credit card. Personally, I prefer men who are consistently thoughtful and caring on a small scale to the patronising ones that behave like shits and then try to make up for it with something lavish. Having said that, and because I'm an old campaigner in the romantic stakes, if someone did want to treat me to something lavish I'd have no qualms about flagging up what I'd particularly like. :)

[OhEmGee24]

Putting a pen in your handbag is a romantic gesture?!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The pen in the handbag is romantic because it's thoughtful and unasked for... Romance, like love, is in the eye of the beholder.

[rockinastocking]

Yup. Liking the pen.

[Helltotheno]

OP have I understood correctly from your post that you've never even met this guy? So basically you're conducting an online back and forth thing with (possibly?) a man who says he's shagging someone else and you're bemoaning the lack of romantic gestures??

If this is for real, your issue is a litte more fundamental I would've thought.

[TheFallenMadonna]

You haven't actually seen him yet? Months in?

[WinklyFriedChicken]

Well it might not seem like much but he had to think, "she'll need a pen, it'll be very inconvenient if she doesn't have one", then bother to check, then when he saw I didn't he went to the effort of rooting around to find one, then attach it to the card so I saw it was there. Imo a damn sight more caring than picking up a box of celebrations or some flowers on his way round tesco.

[OrangeImperialGoldBlether]

You haven't physically met him yet, have you? Do you talk on the phone? Are you absolutely convinced he's not married?

If he has been with another woman when you thought you were in an exclusive relationship, then why are you putting up with this?

I'd say the lack of romantic gestures will be down to a) he's tight or b) he's living with someone and can't afford to let her know he's spending money or c) he doesn't give a shit.

Whichever way it is, I think you're better off without him.

[Trills]

To answer the question in the title: People show their love in different ways. Teddies and flowers are not necessarily important, but if you have different ideas of what it means to demonstrate your love then you need to come to an understanding.

But it sounds as if you need a talking to from Reality.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If your partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can?t change an abusive man by being ?better? or sticking by him where others haven?t, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people?s partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don?t have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don?t be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them around, but then people don?t tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should ?stay together for the children?, or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you?ve escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn?t mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn?t mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren?t. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it?s because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don?t treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn?t matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you, those apologies are worthless.

Don?t be fooled into thinking the abuse isn?t ?bad enough to leave?. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won?t kill himself if you leave him, he won?t take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

[Helltotheno]

Don?t be fooled into thinking the abuse isn?t ?bad enough to leave?.

...or bad enough to log off even

[OhEmGee24]

To me this is soo romantic...Just received a picture message that dp has taken of handwritten note he'd penned which says "you mean the world to me Em" nawwww.

[Dryjuice25]

Can I just add that millions of women stay in undesirable relationships because they perceive "romantic gestures" to be love where in actual fact it's just bait and usually this usually involve much older man who wouldn't stand a chance otherwise but this is just my opinion.

I also have seen plenty of threads of this shape where fastforward 10 years the romantic gestures are gone and the twunt is baiting someone else much younger using family money .......

[NoWaterAfterMidnight]

Hi all,

sorry for the late reply I've been out all day with my little one, swimming and such like :-).

I've read everything everyone has to say and yes basically I was expecting him to come here in June but it never happened, the goalposts kept moving. He has a son here who lives with his mother and when we met he made out like he visits the UK 2-3 times per year to see his son and would be moving here as soon as he could in order to be around his son as much as possible.

On that basis I decided to continue talking and so on and it ended up feeling very intense. Of course over the months things have come out whihc are not that way, he's not been to visit, and I am aware that my boundaries are screwed that I hhave let it go on for so long.

You will be pleaed to know I have ended it now, but I am feeling a bit bruised mostly for my own stupidity and lack of self-esteem and respect. I really felt strongly for this guy, I know it sounds weird, but I did.

I think what someone said about a level 8 compared to a level 10 bastard is true, I had a horrible relationship before him and I think I just accepted bad behaviour because he ahem said sorry and said it wouldn't happen again, which was so different from the other man who never once said sorry. Small changes happened but yea it was never enough.

I hear what people are saying as well about romantic gestures meaning nothing if the guy is not caring and so on, and I think it's not the things in themself, I'm not at all materialisitc, I guess I just saw that as a way of showing me he was serious.

But no I don't see a visit happening anytime soon, I don't think he really did care for me at all, because in my mind caring for someone is about more than just words.

I'm really bad at letting go of tihngs when someone has treated me in ways I cannot fathom, I tend to keep restating my point because I cannot understand how they don't 'get it'. But I suppose trying to make someone behave a certain way to you is banging your head against a brick wall if they don't want to.