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Living apart, staying together.

(20 Posts)
Bumpstart Sat 29-Sep-12 21:24:21

We are planning to try this. I have my reservations about it, but there are too many differences to co-habit peacefully.

Has anyone got experience of it? We have 2 primary age dc

MadameCastafiore Sat 29-Sep-12 21:25:52

And this won't effect and benefits you receive?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Sep-12 21:38:25

If you mean stay married but live at separate addresses because you can't live under the same roof without arguing, I don't think it makes much sense. If you have reservations and this is his initiative I would question his motives. Staying 'together' means you'd be responsible for 2 DCs, prevented from moving on with your life or creating a good relationship with someone else, while he can enjoy the bachelor lifestyle.

Bumpstart Sun 30-Sep-12 21:56:32

I don't know about any benefit effects. The children would get time in each house, and I would aim to spend time altogether too, eat together for eg. Cogito, I think I would get just as much bachelor lifestyle as he would. My reservations stem from whether we really would end up spending much time together as a family.

Anybody tried this?

Lambethlil Sun 30-Sep-12 22:19:31

Why would you do this? Sounds traumatic for the dcs.

Doha Sun 30-Sep-12 22:22:50

If you can't make it work together you certainly won't make it work apart.
Meanwhile you will screw uo the DC's perception of family life --nice hmm

Bumpstart Sun 30-Sep-12 22:39:09

Anyone actually tried it?

Shutupalittlebit Sun 30-Sep-12 22:42:50

Hi bumpstart. Can I just ask is it by mutual arrangement or is one person keener on it? And what are the problems you are having with co-habiting?

Bumpstart Sun 30-Sep-12 23:41:26

Hi shut up, it is by mutual arrangement, partly because we live in a very small house and both feel the need for our own space. I am deeply untidy and my partner is much more methodical.

It is very much the space that is the main problem. We have a lot of fun together and love each other.

expatinscotland Sun 30-Sep-12 23:42:30

A lot of people don't bother to get divorced.

Bumpstart Sun 30-Sep-12 23:43:21

Expat, could you expand on that?

Shutupalittlebit Sun 30-Sep-12 23:46:04

Coud you not just get a bigger house rather than pay for two places? Or a cleaner. I'm sure it could work if you both want it to but it sounds pretty expensive and drastic if tidyness and having space are the sole issues.

osterleymama Sun 30-Sep-12 23:49:19

I think it's a perfectly good idea. If you can find a way to arrange your lives where you remain a family and meet your own needs for space that's great. Don't worry about the fact that it's not the norm if it works for you. And I think it's much better for kids to see parents who respect each other and adjust their lives to stay together as a family than live under one roof because it's he done thing and constantly feel frustrated or split up over hoovering. My parents might have made their relationship work if they'd tried this, they are still very close but my Mum lives in chaos and drama and my Dad lives in a minimalist bare room and they just couldn't share a space.

pickledparsnip Sun 30-Sep-12 23:53:07

I've been trying a similar set up. It's not working amazingly well to be honest. We pretty much broke up though, he moved out & since then we've been trying.

I still feel like I'm doing the majority of everything. He gets to bugger of when he feels like it, whilst I'm stuck at home with our son.

It's not working for us. We however need to make a clean break and sort out some boundaries.

On a brighter note, I know several couples who live separately & it works brilliantly for them.

pickledparsnip Sun 30-Sep-12 23:55:23

I agree with pp about not worrying if it's the norm if it works for you.

garlicnutty Sun 30-Sep-12 23:59:02

It's my ideal relationship blush

Actually a lot of people do it. The only thing holding more couples back from this kind of arrangement is the cost of two households. Google "living separately".

puds11 Mon 01-Oct-12 00:02:37

To be honest i think this would be my ideal relationship.

expatinscotland Mon 01-Oct-12 00:33:45

Well, they split up and live near each other and co-parent. I have a good friend who did this with his wife and twin sons. They're grown now, but they split when the boys were seven, lived in the same road, and it worked very well for them and the kids.

Bumpstart Wed 03-Oct-12 11:22:08

Thanks for your input, All. Osterley, it is very interesting what you say about your family. yes, I think the level of respect within our family would be greater. It would also model 2 different ways of running a household, which is good for the kids to see. Without the negativity of a breakup.

I don't get why people are suggesting it would be traumatic, really. It's got to "Give a better perception of family life" than what happens so frequently.... Acrimonious breakup.

Shut up a bit: for various reasons we are stuck with what we have got house wise. A cleaner would be great, and although it's extra money, it would probably be well spent. However it is not so much the cleanliness that is the problem. The house is actually quite clean. It's the approach to running the household which is incompatible. Think: chaotic/responsive versus methodical/disciplined.

2 things to really consider then: cost and timetable for when the dc are where.

mercury7 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:27:27

yes I've tried it,although it was after the kids left home, I loved it but then I'm quite solitary and never really coped well with co habiting.
I find living together puts too much strain on a relationship...I cant imagine ever doing it again!

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