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I dont love him, but too scared to leave- help needed please

(23 Posts)
JamJars80 Sat 29-Sep-12 12:18:20

Hi, this is my first post on here, i really hope i can get some good advice.
i have been married to DH for 8yrs, together for 12. we have two dcs, 4 and 18months.

ever since i had dc1, things started to go downhill with me and dh.he was always too busy working to ever notice me and dc1, never spent any time with us. i felt very alone and was also suffering from pnd. dh started to sleep in spare room a few days after i had dc1 as he didnt want to be woken up by dc1. that began the downfall really as we never had any intimacy or any affection after that. got to the point where we actually stopped talking to each other.

when dc1 turned 2, we thgt we would give our marriage another go, thats when i got pregnant with dc2. however, after only a few weeks, things went rubbish again and he went back into his room.

i went through the entire pregnancy on my own whilst working full time and looking after dc1. it was horrible. he never once asked how i was or how baby was etc. anyway, when dc2 was around 4mths old, he lost his job. became depressed and basically 'woke up' to the fact that he had a wife and 2kids. but by this time, it was too late for me.

i do not love him at all, i feel nothing for him, however i do care about him. my skin crawls if he comes within a metre of me. we have not slept together since i got pregnant with dc2. dc2 is now 18mths.

dh has changed alot, spends time with dcs, does more around the house. gets on very well with my family. he is a really decent guy, loyal and caring. but i just dont love him. past few months we constantly bicker and argue in front of dcs. i have told him how i feel, he will not let me go. says i should sacrifice for the kids sake and try again with him.

i have over the past few days found a nice house to rent. it will mean moving 20miles away, finding a school for dc1 etc. a massive upheaval.

SO, my question is, WHAT SHOULD I DO? i cannot spend the rest of my life like this, i am only 32. if i leave him, my family will basically not talk to me. i'll be on my own with two dcs.

Any help/advice greatly appreciated. apologies for LONG post xxx

myroomisatip Sat 29-Sep-12 12:33:04

Why would your family not talk to you? They would want you to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy?

If you are sure about your feelings towards your DH then IMO you should leave.
I stayed and it mucked up my kids, they now have difficulty with their own relationships after witnessing mine and my STBXHs. I didnt have the courage or confidence to leave when they were small, it was only when the sheer terror of spending any more of my life with him outweighed my terror of him that I found the courage to act. Dont wait that long.

JamJars80 Sat 29-Sep-12 12:42:01

Hi, thanks for replying x
my family (i mean my parents) are very traditional and old fashioned, divorce/separation is a huge taboo. they have been trying to convince me over past couple of months that no matter how bad, i should stay and work it out. they do not understand the notion of 'falling out of love'. they keep telling me how bad this is for the dcs.
but surely staying is worse?

myroomisatip Sat 29-Sep-12 12:49:59

Do you think counselling would help you? No one can tell you what you should do, really. My DH was very controlling, mentally and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive which destroyed my feelings for him, When he realised I was serious about a divorce he wanted us to try counselling but by then I didnt want to try at all. I just wanted him to go far away!

solidgoldbrass Sat 29-Sep-12 12:54:31

You have every right to leave a relationship that you don't want to be in. It's not unreasonable to feel that your DH's efforts are too little, too late, and to be unable to forgive his previous selfishness.

Unfortunately, women who have grown up in 'traditional' families often marry arsehole men, because they have been socialised to believe that women exist for men's benefit, are men's inferiors, and must obey, serve and indulge men no matter what. Your family are telling you that you don't matter, that your happiness is irrelevant because your role is to service your family rather than to be a person.

balotelli Sat 29-Sep-12 14:26:10

I hate this myth thats its better for the kide sif you stay together.

Bollocks.

My kids have been perfectly happy since my EXDW and I split and stopped the arguing, and unpleasant atmosphere in the house all the time.
They were 1.5 and 5 when we split, now 20 and 16 and you wont meet two happier well adjusted adults. I have made damn sure I kept in contact and had regular visits even after moving 200 miles away, I never said a bad word about therir mother despite what she did and as far I know she has doen the same.

Its much better for you and your kids future mental health prospects that you are both happy and if that means splitting then split.

He may not agree but thats his problem not yours.

leave the (not such as) bastard.

Good luck

Stay strong. thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Sep-12 14:40:26

"WHAT SHOULD I DO? "

See a solicitor and/or an organisation like CAB. As a married woman with children you have various rights and responsibilities in the event of a separation and divorce. Look into things like finances, shared parenting, accommodation. Even if you decide that staying is the best option, it never hurts to have the information and knowledge of the alternatives.

When it comes to DCs all the options on the table have pitfalls. Asking children to live with two parents that constantly bicker and argue presents one set of difficulties. Asking them to shuttle between parents that live in two different places presents its own difficulties. Given that there is no good option, and given that one day they will be off making lives of their own, it's ultimately down to you to select the least worst option based on what you want for your own life.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Sep-12 14:41:11

BTW... your family are not married to him. You are. If they don't want to talk to you because you assert your right to a decent life it's their loss.

neva Sat 29-Sep-12 15:49:52

My parents were very unhappy when I parted from my husband, my mother in particular did not take it at all well. Ex h was a good man and a great dad, they just couldn't understand it. It took years for them to accept it, but I am sure that now they wouldn't deny now that things worked out well.

It was really hard at the time, but good things came from the parting, and ultimately all concerned came out of it happy, including the children and ex h who soon met a lovely partner. My subsequent relationship road was rocky, but I have learnt and grown in ways I needed to.

I went to Relate with ex-h. It helped, even though for me I think the decision was already made. Good luck and take care.

BigusBumus Sat 29-Sep-12 16:11:00

Hi. I was in a marriage very similar to yours, 7 years ago. I didn't love my husband although I cared deeply about him and his feelings. I was 33 and knew I could never have sex with him again, and the thought of no sex throughout the rest of my life, coupled with being so unhappy and bored terrified me. My DS was 2 at the time and I remember thinking, do I leave him now when DS is small enough to forget / not understand or wait another few years when I really am at the end of my tether potentially. By then DS would be older and my decision might have much more serious implications for him. So I chose to leave there and then.

It was really hard as like you I worked full time and DS was at nursery, which we could hardly afford. We had to stay in the same house until the house was sold and we got our 50/50 share of the money each. DS was blissfully unaware of what was going on. EXH and I never fought or cried, he didn't fight for me at all really. One day we just waved daddy off with a removal van. sad

Being single, in my own house was such a happy time for me. Suddenly child tax credits paid all my nursery fees and I could do what I pleased. Within 6 months I met DP and we have another DS together and I am blissfully happy. (most of the time).

I am so pleased I had the courage to leave when I did. I imagine what it would be like of I was still with EXH and feel panicky and sad.

The good thing is EXH is a great dad now and has never let me or DS1 down. We are actually better friends now than when we were married. smile

Please have the courage to leave. You are too young to live a crap life. Your kids will be fine, honestly. And your parents will adjust given time.

lotsofcheese Sat 29-Sep-12 17:58:44

You only finish a marriage when there's no-where left to go. If you've tried your best & explored all options then it's time to call it quits. If not....

katiegolightly Sat 29-Sep-12 18:11:52

Everything BigusBumus said. Great post.

Nobody else ever gets 'falling out of love' particularly when, as you say, he's a decent guy.

The hardest part is making the decision, once made - you'll never look back. But IMHO you must be sure. I'm not saying give it another few years, but take your time over a month or two, longer if needed - think through every angle. Then be brave and act if leaving is the answer. It's tough but you'll get through it.

As hard as it is to feel like you are letting others down when your reason for leaving isn't 'good enough' - remember it is YOUR future and you are the one married to him, nobody else.

Leaving him doesn't mean you don't care for or respect him, it does mean you care for and respect yourself and your DC enough to want a happier future once the bruises heal.

Good luck x

solidgoldbrass Sat 29-Sep-12 21:20:41

Thing is, mostly, when people tell a woman to stay in a relationship with a man she no longer loves, they are usually telling her to put up with years of him sticking his dick in her when she doesn't really want him to (unless the specific reason behind the failure of the marriage is that he won't have sex). 'Staying together for the children' means either letting him have sex on you to keep the peace, or staying together with a constant snipy undertone of 'You won't open your legs, what's the matter with you?' or indeed a thoroughly miserable time for the man who has an active libido but is too true to his marriage vows to seek sex outside the marriage.

JamJars80 Sat 29-Sep-12 21:44:14

OMG, i feel very overwhelmed at all the amazing responses.

the last post by solidgoldbrass in particular really sounds familiar to me. he wants to have sex, i cant stand the thought of him being anywhere near me. if he told me tomorrow he has had an affair/one night stand, it would not bother me at all. i would be relieved in fact.

he actually is a really nice guy and my parents think he is the most amazing thing since sliced bread. he is a great dad now, and the dcs love being around him. dc1 in particular is very attached to him.

this is why im finding it even tougher to take that step.

sad

JamJars80 Sat 29-Sep-12 21:48:30

Also, he will not let me leave. i have told him i dont love him, i have told him i want to separate, but he just does not take me seriously. he keeps saying we have to try for the kids sake and we cannot just give up.

so now im thinking, should i quietly sort out a house, school, etc and slip away? i dont know if i could live with myself though with the guilt of it afterwards.

can anybody tell me how they finally left and what their exp was like??

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Sat 29-Sep-12 22:02:37

JamJars I'm going through this at the minute. We've been together 16 years, married ten, 2dcs under 5. I'm 34. He's a good guy - hard working, clever, caring - nice daddy. But neither of us are the person we were when we met, I was 18 ffs. I need to live alone, I need to grow up, we have tried every shade of everything to make our marriage and family life work - flogging a dead horse is an understatement. We already have various engagements up to and including xmas, so i've asked that he finally let me go after xmas if not before. He wants to play happy families til then and go to counselling because "divorce is the biggest failure anyone can have" and we must keep working on "it". i figure 3 months won't kill me, but i don't know... Good luck - you are not alone!!!!

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Sat 29-Sep-12 22:03:10

and our families are going to HATE me.

ThistlePetal Sat 29-Sep-12 23:49:05

I am in the same position too - DH who seems to all the world like the most devoted, reliable H and father you could wish for. He is, but I am lonely, feel unloved, neglected etc and there is no joy in our marriage - he just didn't put much effort in to maintaining our relationship, and when I stopped trying to do it all, it all started to unravel.

What you are saying sounds so, so familiar. He can't actually believe that I want to finish our marriage, he doesn't want the stigma of a failed marriage. My parents will see me as a failure, they love him and tbh they think I did pretty well to marry him. They will tell me I should have tried harder. His parents and family are very closed off and tight knit, they will close ranks.

But our DCs (12 and 9) are living in a toxic environment and do not see a loving couple bringing them up. I am miserable and feel trapped. I don't want them to make the same mistakes, so I am going to ask him to leave. I think we will string it out til Christmas too. But then I need to get back to nurturing my children and letting him do the same, but separately.

This is not as unusual a situation as you might have thought. It doesn't make it any less painful, but it does help to know that others can relate to what you are dealing with. So keep posting on here for support, and gather as much support in real life as you need as well.

Great to see so many positive experiences on here too - thank you for sharing those smile.

solidgoldbrass Sun 30-Sep-12 14:48:13

Sympathy and strength to all of you in this sort of situation, You do not need these men's permission to leave them. You are not servants, property or pets.
Men like this simply don't consider women to be fully human. You exist for domestic work and childcare and as something for them to stick their dicks in when they feel like it; it simply doesn't occur to them that a woman is a person. Someone once posted a really good summing up of the way men like this consider themselves decent individuals who love their wives yet their deep-down feelings are like that of someone who loves a dog or cat - it's wrong to be cruel to it, you need to make sure it has enough to eat and all that, but at the end of the day you can't let it call the shots and you've got to make sure it knows its place because it's only a dog/cat/*woman*.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 30-Sep-12 15:19:12

"so now im thinking, should i quietly sort out a house, school, etc and slip away? i dont know if i could live with myself though with the guilt of it afterwards."

None of those things. See a solicitor, find out as much as you can about divorce, set the wheels in motion and then present your DH with a fait accompli. He may not listen to you but he'll have no choice but to listen to a lawyer.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Tue 02-Oct-12 21:29:33

It's done me good to read this. Solidgoldbrass you're description is my marriage exactly.

I'm very sad that we need to break up - I would give anything for us to be madly in love and a happy family unit. But we're not, we bicker and resent each other and don't love each other anymore, but we could be good friends. So it's surely time to call it a day or at least for a trial separation which is the route we're going for. Every little decision and responsibility which have all been his will finally be mine. And I cannot wait. (fucking terrified but trying to banish it with excitement)

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Tue 02-Oct-12 21:38:21

fuxake. your

AnyFucker Tue 02-Oct-12 21:45:55

if he told me tomorrow he has had an affair/one night stand, it would not bother me at all. i would be relieved in fact.

time to end it, and like sgb said, you do not need anybody's permission

not your husband's and not your family's

you are people in your own right

aren't you ?

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