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Mid life crisis or to give up

(40 Posts)
MITmum Fri 28-Sep-12 23:51:33

A few weeks ago, my husband of 12 years (together 14 years) told me he inst in love with me and last week he said he doesn't even love me anymore. I was shocked, angry, hurt and cried. He said he stays with me because our daughter. Suddenly, he said we married too young (age 26). Nothing in common. All we talk about is our daughter. No same interests etc. I did noticed his has lose lots of weights, got plenty of new clothes and complained about our sex life since he turns 40 early this year.

We talked and agreed we need to give our marriage a go for the sake of our child. I have dressed sexier and tried to engage with him more. He starts to response more but still quite distance. We want to give it a try for the next 3-6 months to see if things will work out. I however deep down felt he is just go with flow and his heart isn't in it. I just felt he is waiting till he is "ready" to move on........

i am so hurt and should i just give up...........

Dryjuice25 Fri 28-Sep-12 23:56:09

Sorry op, this has hallmarks of affair. Sounds like he's checked out of the marriage

AgnesBligg Sat 29-Sep-12 00:03:19

How terrible would you feel to go it alone? Without his non love for you?

It may be mid life crisis or an affair directing him; his problem.

In this situation ask yourself What do I want?.

I'm sorry you feel so sad. But you need to concentrate on YOU and your wonderful DC and do the right thing by all of you.

In your shoes I would make a plan, and ask him to leave. He doesn't deserve you right now.

MITmum Sat 29-Sep-12 00:14:10

I did asked if he is seeing someone. He firmly said no. I called his close friends and all they know is he mentioned he isn't unhappy but no one think he is having affair.

I am very upset. Cannot eat or sleep. This is all too much. i know it is his problem but i want to try for the sake of our DC. Sad thing is i am not from UK. i cannot even phone my family back home as they all thought i married a wonderful English husband who I determined to marry and left everything behind.

Today, i took a day off and tried to have a couple time. He tried to make effort too. Then, he is off this weekend to go down coast to see his mates.

my poor DC doesn't know all those going on but knows mummy is sad. i don't know should i give up and keep trying.........

GoingBlankAgain Sat 29-Sep-12 00:26:07

It probably is a mid-life crisis. Are you in a position to be able to go away for a while, to relatives or holiday with dc. Having some space from each other might be what you both need, him certainly and maybe you without realising it.

If challenged about an affair, the automatic reply would always be no, unless he has the balls to admit it. Have you any reason to suspect he may be? Does he go out till late at night, hide/lock his phone or clear his internet history?

Who are the mates he is going away with?

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 00:31:33

Cherchez la femme, honey. He's got her well hidden and she's the reason for his 'mid life crisis'.

It could be that she's married which would explain his being willing to try for the next 3-6 months until she's free to set up home with him.

Turn this round on him. Tell him you don't want to be stuck with a man who doesn't love you and, as it wouldn't be fair to either of you to keep trying to raise your dead marriage, it's best that he leaves now and you'll consult a solicitor with a view to divorce - and when you tell him this, try to sound as if you mean it; no tears, no anger, just cool, calm 'this is how it's going to be'.

My guess is that if you can get him to leave now, it won't be long until he comes crawling back - but whether you'll still want him is another matter entirely.

AgnesBligg Sat 29-Sep-12 00:32:30

I think you should give up. Sorry how that sounds. And make a plan from there.

Sometimes when we are in-between we can not see the right thing to do. So make a plan and follow it. It is very empowering smile.

MITmum Sat 29-Sep-12 00:37:13

His mates are all single middle age men! I think this is what worries me most. They all love drinking and having "man" time together - get drunk! He said his friends are all having a good time when he has to come back home to do his duties as husband and as father. I checked his phone, emails, and internet history. Nothing is erased but he did visited lots of "adult" sites.

He said he has no feeling for me but then even when we talked about our crisis, we laughed and joked about how much he will pay for our DC if we split and who get the car. He said he doesn't want divorce and no intend to get marry again. He did said he just felt we don't have "couple" time together and we never have fun together anymore. I said i will try to arrange some holiday break together, get a babysitter and have some time alone. He agrees it is a good start.

I don't know. I just don't understand how can he said he doesn't love me anymore after 14 years together. I am so hurt by his words but i am putting his behaviors down as mid life crisis. He actually admitted he felt this way more strongly since he turns 40.

i am so lost. One side of me wanting to give him a chance. another side of me is so angry and thought if he is such a idiot, he doesn't deserve me.

skyebluesapphire Sat 29-Sep-12 01:08:12

My STBXH did something very similar to me in February. He had decided on his own, that he no longer loved me, hadnt for some time and that the marriage was over.

He came back for 6 weeks, then walked out again.

After he left I discovered that he was texting his best mates wife over 100 times a day and emailing her and hiding it all from me and deleting all the evidence......

He also bought a whole new wardrobe, contact lenses, shoes, gym membership etc.

We will now be divorced any day..

I hope that there isnt OW, but sadly in most of these cases there usually turns out to be one. Has he been more secretive with his phone lately? Staying up late, or getting up early?

Good luck

deleted203 Sat 29-Sep-12 04:04:57

I'm so sorry to hear this. And I understand how hurt you are. The one point I would pick up on is that he has said he doesn't want a divorce. I'm sure he doesn't. That would cost him an awful lot financially. I think you need to tell him that you are terribly hurt at his words and that if he wants to give the marriage a chance then he HAS to be putting 100% effort in. Otherwise you will apply for a divorce, whether he wants one or not, on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. You will need the financial security of splitting the marital assets to begin life again. Tell him he is not welcome to stay purely because of your daughter - that if he doesn't want you that you are not prepared to stay in a hollow sham of a marriage. Don't let him have everything on his terms. Either he puts huge efforts into saving the marriage or you will need to accept it is over - and you are filing for divorce. The shock of realising that there will be huge repercussions from his coldness may force him to re-think his behaviour. Good luck.

Lizzabadger Sat 29-Sep-12 07:02:20

Look for evidence of an affair (if you can be bothered).

I wouldn't put too much effort into working on the marriage as he won't be.

Put your effort into getting ready to go it alone.

Mrsgorgeous Sat 29-Sep-12 07:32:11

I could have and probably did write exactly the same as you and Skyebluesapphire back in February this year.

Out of the blue he said he didn't love me and wanted a break. I thought I was dreaming and was stunned.

Not one of our family, friends,neighbours or his workmates believed or knew he was having an affair. Everyone thought that ours was a strong solid marriage,

In the background , there was a nasty sordid emotional affair happening that was spiralling out of control and became physical in January this year.

What he didn't realise was that he had hit the self destruct button.

I wish you well because if this is what is going on the aftershocks ripple on for months. One thing I do know for sure is that you will get a lot of support and advice from the lovely people on here who have sadly walked this path.

moonfacebaby Sat 29-Sep-12 07:46:29

After going through a similar thing, I would say that this does sound like he's having an affair - sorry! I hope that he isnt.....

There are so many red flags - when my H was having his affair, he let me check his phone - he'd erased all call logs & had her hidden under a mans name. He worked away, so it was easy for him to go about his business.

He also said he wasn't sure how he felt about us anymore & denied that there was anyone else.

I'd consider doing some more digging - is he really going away with friends this weekend?

You need to find out one way or the other - for your sake really. I was strung along for around 5 weeks until I found evidence of his affair. Couldn't eat & it was awful.

I wish you the best of luck.

jo1958 Sat 29-Sep-12 07:56:53

My EH did this to me after more than 20 years of marriage, with two children at home and one at uni. Like yours he just said he didn't love me or feel the same. We did thr 'trying to make it work' and Relate but he clearly wasn't interested and after a few weeks of treading on egg shells I told him to leave . I decided to file for divorce a few months later to take back control of the situation. Interestingly, there never was another woman: he was (and still is) self absorbed. Despite a few girlfriends he's still single - happily so.

Hang on in there-It was awful at the time but I met someone a couple of years later and we have been happilymarried for 8 years

I would contact your family for support though: it's been 14 years so it wasn't A flash in the pan.

Good luck

fiventhree Sat 29-Sep-12 10:08:57

I am still married, but I can confirm that when they re cheating (mine had internet stuff going on with a lot of women) they do say that things are wrong in the marriage or things have changed in terms of emotional commitment etc.

My h finally admitted internet stuff going back five years, and could name how it started and when. I could name the date of a long planned weekend away at a hotel three weeks later, when it suddenly turned out that 'things had changed', and the sex was suddenly not good, according to him.

MITmum Sat 29-Sep-12 14:05:02

It's so shocking to think he is cheating.

He texted today and said he loves me but is going through some periods or something. He said things will be better and we can work on it.
I want to trust him but am afraid if this all in vain in the end....

skyebluesapphire Sat 29-Sep-12 14:10:18

He may just be having a wobble, it does happen but you do really need to talk to him seriously and with no distractions .

He may not be having an affair but just keep it in the back of your mind so that you are prepared if it is.

The main thing is that you do not allow him to mess you around. I begged my STBXH to try again and he just messed me round for weeks and made it all a lot worse and I caused myself more pain.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Sep-12 14:54:51

Sorry you're in the middle of this. I know it's tempting to try anything to keep your man but it's a very demeaning process that will smash your self-esteem if you carry on. He should love the person you are. If you change yourself to 'win him back' you'll end up hating yourself.

If he wants to recapture his youth or whatever is driving this behaviour, let him go. Stay true to yourself at all costs.

fiventhree Sat 29-Sep-12 14:54:56

Agree with Skyblue.

Let him go if he wants; dont resist. Even if you want to save the relationship, as it is more likely it will happen that way. If you chase or 'move towards him', he will back off more. Especially if he is about to or already embarked on some infidelity or other, as it will cause him to need more certainty with himself.

So just try to understand and get clarity for now about what is in his head, and say/comment as little as possible, as then you will hear more.

Also, keep a possible affair or emotional planned affair in the back of your mind. Definitely do not mention that, or mention it again if you havnt already, but keep a quiet eye to that possibility. Because if he is planning or seeing someone he will start to cover his tracks better if he thinks you are on to it.

fiventhree Sat 29-Sep-12 14:56:32

His mates are all single middle age men! I think this is what worries me most. They all love drinking and having "man" time together - get drunk!

That is really not good anyway, is it?

His friends are all people who want to meet women, possibly. Certainly they are not family committed, and he has managed to persuade himself that he is missing out.

madonnawhore Sat 29-Sep-12 15:19:21

If he doesn't love you anymore then he should fuck off. If he cant/wont leave then stop doing anything for him around the house. And tell him to sleep on the sofa.

He's lost all relationship privileges now.

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Sep-12 15:25:06

He might be honest if he is answering "no" to "are you having an affair" but try asking "is there anyone else?" it might be that he isn't having a relationship with anyone else, but he's seen someone else he would prefer to be with - this could be stage one in justifying to himself that it's ok to have an affair with this person because he's "tried" to save his marriage. Except he's not doing that, he's giving you a "chance to up your game" not him having to make any changes, just you. While you're running around trying to "prove to him you're good enough", he's mentally leaving and I would guess also working out the financials and practicals to leaving.

Put your efforts into working out how to be without him, focus on your situation, can you start building up some savings in your own name? Reinforce your support network, tell your close friends what is happening, if/when he leaves you will need him.

Get and keep separately copies of bank account statements (print off from on line if you don't get hard copies, ask a good friend to keep this).

Mainly, don't just react to him - act in a way to build your life, if he decides he wants to be with you afterall, then great, if not, you can use this time to make it clear you will cope fine without him.

gettingeasier Sat 29-Sep-12 15:48:51

Another one who had the I dont love you etc although actually he didnt !

You saying he doesnt want to rush because he isnt ready resonates with me. My xh took 12 weeks from telling me to moving being thrown out , he needed to come to terms with each stage looking for somewhere to rent etc etc before being able to go to the next.

As I was busy trying to be perfect so he could see what he was leaving I put up with it until an ow reared her ugly head and then he had to go earlier than he planned In hindsight I wish I said on day one ok if you dont love me then please leave now then at least he would have had a period of discomfort and not being in control

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 29-Sep-12 16:05:42

Oh yes, the "script" - I had this too and sure enough it was an OW, although he did feed me some crap about mid life crises etc.

Take control and do not beg for him to stay, tell him he can go as you deserve a husband who loves you.

This will force the issue...

Abitwobblynow Sat 29-Sep-12 17:49:07

another one who says he is pretending he is single has OW:

he is following a very predictable line, blaming you but not too much so he still gets his home comforts.

And like the other person, I should have thrown him out at the beginning, taken him at his word and saved myself two years of what you are going through agony.

His presence hurts you. The lack of respect and disregard for your feelings will crush your soul and scar your heart.

Take him at his word and ask him to leave, to his sweet freedom. If you are always there, how can he miss you?

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