Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Having a wibble to do with ex DP(11 Posts)
I've not posted before (I usually just pinch everyone elses advice) but i don't know what to do about this so i thought i would see if you all could help.
Me and DP seperated in June. We just weren't getting on at all, awkward silences, an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house whenever we were both in it, no conversation and not much affection either. This had been going on for a while, and we did try a few times to sort it out, and things would be better for a week or so and then it would be the same. So I asked him to leave and he did, me and DS (2.2) stayed in the house.
Since then things have been a lot easier and a lot less stressful at home, i love the independance and being with DS and not feeling like DP dissaproves of what i do. And being able to do what I want and only having one person to look after. Great ay? But the thing is I miss him so much it's daft, and i know it us but i can't seem to stop.
DS stays with him one night a week and I do the drop offs/pick ups so I still see him, and we've been getting on when I'm there, which isn't that much I guess.
I phoned him the other night and asked him if there was any chance of us getting back together (but in a more disjointed and rambley way) and he said no, he's moved on (it takes him 3 months to move on from a 9 year relationship, that made me feel great) and it had cost him a lot to move out, it had been lots of hassle and he didn't see anything changing as he was still the same person he was when he left.
Since then, I've just felt worse. I guess in my head it was just a break but since he said that it's more final IYSWIM? Even though I'm the one who asked him to leave, I know.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is if I should just leave it and carry on or try to get him to at least entertain the idea? I know I can't make him like me but would it be bad to try to get him to talk about it? Other than when I phoned him we've not really sat down and had a proper conversation (probably one of the reasons we've been getting on!). He also said that he 'Didn't want to get my hopes up," which isn't really a good start.
I know he's probably right, but I keep thinking that if we just tried that little bit harder it would work and things could be god again. And he is good with DS and DS always looks forward to seeing him (he goes on about it all week) and, oh I don't know. I guess I don't want to make anymore of a pillock of myself but I don't want to just leave it if there's a chance it could work.
Any words of wisdom appreciated.
I found your post interesting because I am separating at my instigation but have huge mixed feelings (have a look at the thread 'how do you know when it's right to leave', there are lots of us wondering this).
I'm terrified of how I will cope on my own, but also desperate to get away. And I have mixed feelings about dh, I still love him in many ways.
Not here to bang on about myself, but this struck me in your post:
things have been a lot easier and a lot less stressful at home, i love the independance and being with DS and not feeling like DP dissaproves of what i do. And being able to do what I want and only having one person to look after.
This does sound great, and it is how I am hoping I will feel when I am out of here. I know exactly what you mean about feeling the things you do are disapproved of. It's horrible.
You and your husband haven't spent much time together lately. We are conditioned to remember the good times, otherwise our lives would be full of pain remembering all the horrible things that at one time or another, happen to all of us.
I suspect that you are feeling nostalgic, and you are still going through a period of adjustment. The bit of your post I have quoted back at you, above, does suggest to me that you had good reasons for leaving. People who I've spoken to all say it is difficult at first, but gets easier.
It sounds from what you say as if he isn't very receptive to the idea of getting back together. You seem miffed that he says he has 'moved on'. If you made the decision to split, are you sure that none of this is to do with your just wanting him to still want you? It's unlikely he really has moved on, but since you instigated the split he may feel he doesn't want to risk that happening again and would rather know where he is and get on with life not living with you.
Please don't think I don't sympathise, I do, massively. I feel torn in two and keep wanting to beg my husband to sort things out. But because I don't know how much of this is just not wanting to break up the family, being afraid of being on my own, I'm keeping it to myself. He didn't make me happy, and I know I can't really trust myself not to want to split up with him again.
Also what you said about being disapproved of... if that's something you've suffered from, imagine how much worse it will be when he's got the stick of your leaving him to beat you with as well.
None of these situations are easy and I'm worried I will miss my husband and regret what I'm doing. But I would urge you to remember the reasons it went wrong in the first place, and only if you can promise yourself that they wouldn't exist if you got back together, should you consider it.x
*bumping this for you OP because your post is long and my response is too. Hope it hasn't put anyone else off posting.
Not much to add really, except that almost every relationship I ever ended I was plagued with doubt, nostalgia (for the good times) and I missed them. It was always hard to move on - even when I knew deep down that I'd done the right thing. These weren't long term relationships with children involved either!
The couple of times I did end up getting back together, I was soon reminded why we split in the first place.
My advice? Moving forward with a new life is hard, but going backwards is even harder.
Your ex himself says "he hasn't changed". He won't - you won't.
It hasn't been long, and life will get better.
My thoughts are that you clearly broke up for a reason, and he's right in that he's still the same person, he hasn't changed. Plus he doesn't sound interested and you can't make it work on your own (but overall I wouldn't advise it anyway)
I know it's really hard when you miss someone, but do you really miss him, or do you just miss the idea of a relationship with him? When the reality was it was awkward, no affection and it sounded pretty lonely. You say you feel like it could work if you both tried, but if you're having to try that hard, my gut feeling is the relationship isn't right, really.
It's really normal to have a delayed reaction to things like a break up, but a break up is always upsetting - even people who've been totally terrorised by their partner and have a huge sense of relief at getting away feel sad. It's natural - and especially so when you did have a lot of good times.
Instead of thinking about how sad it is that it's over and how much you miss him etc try to fill that gap in your life with things like friends, family, goals, hobbies and your own hope or plans for the future. It's very likely you'll meet someone again at some point in the future, and remember that you don't need to compromise - just because someone has some good points doesn't mean you have to overlook some glaring bad points to make up for it! It's possible (and likely!) that you'll meet someone who is a perfect fit for you, whose "bad points" don't matter, or are a perfect fit for your own - but less likely the more time you spend with or mooning after someone who isn't right for you.
To be honest I agree with what you've said. Part of me thinks it is just being scared of being on myself and being lonely and depriving DS in some way because his dad isn't there (even though he still sees him). And then if that is the case then it would be selfish to want to get back together because it would be for the wrong reasons - not the 'oh my god you're amazing and I love you and want to be with you forever' type stuff that relationships are supposed to be about.
I do remember the good times fondly, and with all the the not so great bits I just think that it would somehow be different. If we tried. And maybe it could be but you can only try so much can't you? You can't change who a person is and even though nothing major went wrong there's always the fact that we may have just grown apart. And that's something I will just have to accept, like he seems to be doing.
And what you said about him bring happier knowing where he is, well I think that is probably definitely true.
All I can see just now though is a big mess of could haves and might bes that i can't even sort out in my own mind so i don't know if talking to him about it would just make it worse. I will have to think about that.
Thanks for replying, I hope everything ends up well for you. Am off to find the other thread you mentioned..
OP, if you go on that thread, there's a link to a blog on there about the joys of single motherhood. It's eloquent and forthright and it really made me feel a lot better about the future... make sure you read it!
I agree with the poster above. It takes a while to get used to being alone and without an ex., You need to find ways of getting your new wonderful future life for yourself. It may be a task but one worth achieving. Let your ex go.
You are NOT depriving DS - he's getting plenty of contact with his dad and as long as you aren't refusing this contact the only person whose actions decide if he gets deprived or not are his DAD's - not yours. I used to love going to stay at my Dad's house and having that one to one time with each parent.
Also without wanting to sound harsh, or rude, "...it would somehow be different if..." you know this is fantasy, or you wouldn't have used the word "somehow". And the thing about using the word "if" is that, well, it wasn't, you didn't, and there was a reason for that and the reason isn't going to magically change just because you wish it so. If things were different... well, yes, maybe. But they're not.
I wouldn't talk to him about it because he's made it very clear what he thinks and (sorry) you don't want to come across as crazy or obsessed because it will make things awkward at handovers.
Oh and bookmark this site! Like the facebook page! Set it as your home page so that you remember to read it every day, because the author is fantastic, does not take any bullshit and I love her
Thank you all. I know you're right, there are reasons we broke up and they aren't magically going to vanish through wishful thinking.
Think I just needed a bit of a virtual kick up the arse. And now i just need to get on with things with minimal mooning (good word).
Join the discussion
Please login first.