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What the hell to do about this situation?!

(8 Posts)
MrawMraw Fri 28-Sep-12 22:46:43

I'm feeling bad about thinking this, but I don't think there is any way I'd be with DP right now if we our lives weren't so intertwined - 2 DC, one mine from prev relationship and one together. I really don't think I could start again and introduce my DD to a THIRD father-figure (her own dad left when she was about 2 never to be seen again but she says she still remembers him, then I met DP who has been her "dad" for years) and I couldn't be bothered starting again either.

So we just kind of trudge along, some times are better than others, sometimes it feels hopeless, occasionally about once every 2 months we have a huge argument where we will both say horrible things just to hurt then apologise later but they still hurt as we never speak about the bad words spoken afterwards. He is usually first to say hurtful words but also first to apologise, and I'm last to say hurtful words but last to apologise.

I am not happy - We hardly get any time together, I feel he is disrespectful and overbearing (not just to me, he embarasses me by being overbearing and immature towards others too - for example one of our neighbours left a stupid petty note to us and instead of dealing with it in an adult way he went into the communal stairway and started shouting about it in a weird passive-aggressive way designed so they would hear!! shock). Although he is loyal and does do nice things for me without being asked, and does suggest family things.

He is not happy - He feels I'm not good enough at parenting (ie I don't do everything EXACTLY as his mother did) and I'm sure he resents the fact we hardly have sex although he never mentions anything about this at all he is definitely less grumpy for a couple of days after sex, and really grumpy after a couple of 'rejections'.

I would actually be more willing and prepared to leave than he is - I think he is scared of not being there full time with DS and also he has issues over his own father leaving his mum when he was 3 and doesn't want to leave his DS and feel like he is failing him. Whenever separating has been mentioned he always is the one to say "but we can't split up the family" , although he makes no effort on any major issues I have with him and remains as grumpy and difficult with everybody and anybody as ever.

He asked me the other night "do you even love me?" and that has sparked off more arguments.

We have been together a long time, so someone else would feel too strange, iyswim, we did have one period in early 2011 where we split up for 9 months but got back together and things are better then they were before then, but still not good.

What the hell to do in this situation? confused

RandomMess Fri 28-Sep-12 22:52:32

Have you had some couples therapy so you can actually discuss what is going on between you properly so you can learn to communicate?

MrawMraw Fri 28-Sep-12 23:08:48

No, he point blank refuses to go to any kind of counselling, apparently "doesn't believe in it" . hmm . I have been going to counselling on my own for a while but mainly discussing other issues from my past, which he has been ok-ish about supporting me in that (will take DS whilst i go etc, thinks it is a good thing).

The funny thing is, I used to think his stubborn-ness was attractive, he has beliefs and values and sticks to them (from his politics to him being vegetarian etc) I found it admirable. However now I just find him rigid and uncompromising. I was only 19 when we met (a looong time ago) and he was 27 so I was quite happy to be 'swept along' (not in an abusive way or anything), but now I find his stubborn nature restrictive, petty and immature - like in the case of the neighbours or the over the top way he acts with DS nursery teacher if he feels something is not right. This week they send home a little sheet for parents to write down 5 suggested "rules" for the children to follow at start of term - he deliberately wrote things like "Always question what you are told" "Do not mindlessly follow rules" and started ranting about it - A grown man ffs! When his DM bought a birthday cake for DD he went mental about all the E numbers in it and took it back to the shop without even a "thanks for the effort but I'd rather DD had a more natural cake" or anything. So rude. . .

He is so stubborn there is no way he would agree to counselling. sad angry

tallwivglasses Fri 28-Sep-12 23:09:23

Sounds grim sad Things will only improve if you both want them to improve.

I spent years waiting, hoping things would get better (he wouldn't do therapy or get any help for a number of issues) feeling miserable, soldiering on, trying to keep everything together, thinking maybe one day...then he left.

Realistically our relationship was dead 5 years before he left, and that's 5 years I'll never get back. Just saying.

BustersOfDoom Fri 28-Sep-12 23:28:05

I have no personal experience of being in a similar situation but I think that he is far more likely to mess with your DD's and your DS's heads by staying and carrying on as he is now than you could ever do by leaving and subsequently introducing them to a partner you may have in the future.

The rules are just setting them up to be difficult. Although DC should understand that adults are not always right and they don't always have to do what they are told - from an obvious safeguarding position - there are ways and means of explaining that - not just a blanket 'question everything and refuse to obey' standpoint. The cake business is bizarre. He's not just stubborn. He's an inflexible, immature twat and you have outgrown him. And he's already failing his DS by his behaviour. Him leaving would be the best option I think.

CaliforniaLeaving Fri 28-Sep-12 23:37:43

He doesn't sound very nice at all.
You need to learn to be happy with just you and your Dd without having to work at keeping him happy, it's not your job.

MrawMraw Fri 28-Sep-12 23:46:21

I know. I'm not denying there are many good points about him, and it's not him who wants to leave, he says he still loves me. However I have outgrown him and his strange childish behaviour, and I just sort of roll my eyes at him now and I think he realises that I have outgrown him.

99% of the time he stays within the realms of "acceptable" though, as if he just likes 'rebelling' like a child but knows how to tow the line when required ie he always goes to work, never lets down the DC etc. He completely contradicts himself regularly though, makes up new "beliefs", rants on and on about them then mysteriously contradicts them soon after. I find this very very tiresome.

For example ....

He will do the thing with the nursery where he actively will tell the kids to question all authority and rules (hmm) then the next week when they misbehave he will say something to me like "the children needs discipline - they need to learn they do EXACTLY as adults tell them at all times!" to which I just roll my eyes at the complete polar opposite opinions!

He went as far as to state this morning that if the nursery keep subjecting their rules and regulations on DS whom he thinks is "too young" for rules then he will take him out of nursery. Oh well I said, wait until he goes to school, that is compulsory, what are you going to do then? To which he replied "I will home school him" (deadly serious) . I then said "Well if you were to do that how would we manage financially since presumably you wouldn't also be working?" His reply - "I would go on benefits". He says all this in a deadly serious way, but he will never actually DO it. Even he knows that after about ten minutes and changes his tune again, but it gets very tiresome. His friends and family all joke about his over the top rants and ideas, and I can see how it would be funny (because he is a personable guy generally) but not when you have to live with him and your life and DC life subjected to it

I just can't be bothered any more with all the drama directed every which way at everybody.

tallwivglasses Sat 29-Sep-12 00:09:51

He sounds immature and you sound far more intelligent than him. Not a good match in my book.

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