Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Did you leave your marriage for someone else and are you happier or do you regret it? it or are a

(72 Posts)
Glycine Fri 28-Sep-12 21:29:08

Just a vague notion. Things not been great with DH for a while but nothing too bad. Just silly arguments and lack of intimacy. Maybe we've just got lazy and arent doing fun things anymore. andRecently met someone who I'm very attracted to but hardly know. Don't want to break up my family but then don't want to spend the next 30 years wondering what if?
What would you do? Have one dc. Other man has 2 kids but separated.

BinksToEnlightenment Fri 28-Sep-12 21:32:20

Be very careful. The grass is never greener. It's just different grass.

Speaking from experience. Unfortunately.

It will just be a big ball ache you'll wish you could undo.

BabylonPI Fri 28-Sep-12 21:34:36

I did, nearly 5 years ago sad

BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

Thankfully, after 9 weeks, DH and I reconciled, and two more DCs later we're happy.

Wish I'd never left him.

Don't do it is my advice.

Sassybeast Fri 28-Sep-12 21:44:58

Whilst the grass may be greener, the cows still shit on it.

stuffitunderthebed Fri 28-Sep-12 21:46:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northcountrygirl Fri 28-Sep-12 21:51:41

I did and I'm still with the other man. We're happy and we have a gorgeous child together. BUT it's nit without a huge amount of guilt even now 6 years later. One thing I really regret is that it wasn't "cleaner"

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Fri 28-Sep-12 22:12:50

It's a mess either way. I'm separating, no one else involved, just unhappy. It's horrible and I feel very alone, but I suppose it is 'clean'.

My sister split with her husband when she got together with someone else. She'd been unhappy for a long time, but only left when she had a good reason, in the shape of her now partner. It was ugly and the fallout/guilt was awful, but I guess she had someone to go to and didn't feel so alone.

It's crap either way.

Work on your 'real' relationship. I honestly wish I'd done that because it is too broken to fix now and separating is awful.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Fri 28-Sep-12 22:15:47

nothing too bad. Just silly arguments and lack of intimacy

Sounds like it might be fixable. If you get involved with this OM you are just pressing the self destruct button because the consequences will be dire.

Just saying. I think you are on here looking for validation and you will do it anyway. We all have to make our own mistakes.

FaffTastic Fri 28-Sep-12 22:17:16

Read something earlier - 'the grass is greener because it's fertilised with bullshit'

Affairs are fantasy situations and not relationships in the real world. They are really really not worth it.

Few months/years down the line it'll be the same old humdrum shit only with a trail of devastation in your wake

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 22:21:16

If you wish to leave your marriage, leave it before finding out anything else about this potential OM.

Leaving because you fancy someone else is a very mean spirited thing to do.
Doesn't sound like anything is very wrong in your marriage, can you (or rather do you want to) fix it?

This will effect your dc a lot. Much more than a divorce because the marriage isn't working.

Thirdtoefromtheleft Fri 28-Sep-12 23:16:46

Well, the grass may seem greener on the other side

BUT

If one takes time to water their own grass, it would be just as green.

nannyof3 Fri 28-Sep-12 23:23:01

I did that. 8 years ago...

Am i happier, better/worse off ?

I really don't know

tigerdriverII Fri 28-Sep-12 23:28:49

Yes. I did. Over 20 years ago. Do I regret it. Not fr a moment. But we had no dc, were married for 10 years but nothing of lasting value together. Have known DH for 29 years and wish it were longer. But if there were dc involved I am pretty sure I would feel differently

akaemmafrost Fri 28-Sep-12 23:46:23

Yes, but no kids involved. Not with bloke I left for either. He turned out to be a controlling twat. I don't regret it. I was too young to be married in the first place.

boogiewoogie Fri 28-Sep-12 23:57:55

Don't go there.

I had a very lucky escape from a "friend" who was like a "best friend". The type that needs you all the time and relies on you but really, he was walking all over me and undermining my marriage and treating everything and everyone I valued with brazen lack of respect and told me that I would rather be with him.

I regret knowing that person at all and very relieved that I had whatever honour left in me to tell him that I never wanted to have anything to do with him ever again. I also credit my very forgiving and patient husband who believed in me. I still cringe at the memories and shudder to think what further damage I could have caused if I didn't cut.

Do not look elsewhere if there is a problem in your marriage.

For better for worse A promise is a promise and at least try to make it work first.

WaitingForMe Sat 29-Sep-12 06:38:00

I left my ex for the idea of DH. We were friends and he was married as well. He made me realise there were better men out there.

We got together 13 months later, after he'd ended his marriage and we'd both spent some time alone. I'm glad we didn't rush into being together as we needed to process why we'd each settled for our first spouses and what we wanted from the future.

It was bloody hard but what was 13 months when we'll now spend the rest of our lives together madly in love?

Fairylea Sat 29-Sep-12 06:52:11

I left dds dad and started seeing someone I worked with almost right away. Looking back now I wish I had been single for a while. I think I was deliberately picking the polar opposite of my dp at the time asI hated him so much.

I went on to marry the other man and we were together for 5 years before he turned around and said he didn't love me anymore and left. Haven't seen him since.

Am now married again with a ds 15 weeks. Looking back I should have just left dds dad and been single to get my head together.

SoSoMamanBebe Sat 29-Sep-12 06:59:17

Many, many people leave their spouses for other people. Sometime it works, othertimes it doesn't. I suppose you need to work out if your relationship with your spouse was truly broken before you met OM, or if you've just re written history.

People are attracted to others all the time, if you want to take it further you just have to figure out if you are lying to yourself to do so. If you are, then it will be messy and more likely to fail. If your partner would be surprised and hurt, that is usually a good indicator that they thought you were still 'in' the marriage.

moonfacebaby Sat 29-Sep-12 07:23:55

I'd step back & really think of the horrendous consequences of acting on that attraction.

My H had an affair earlier this year. We were bickering occasionally & not paying attention to our relationship & he'd had a very stressful year.

Now I think our marriage may be over - we have tried to work through it & it has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I have never known a feeling like it - I trusted my H more than anyone & I don't understand how such a kind & thoughtful man changed into someone do selfish & self-absorbed.

It has tainted us - he has lost an honest perspective on us as I think a taste of the fantasy & intensity of an affair has now made him look at what had & not see the value of it. He is so wracked with guilt & remorse,seeing what he's done to me that I don't think he can even see a way to make it better.

I am lost as is he. In hindsight, he has said that she could have been anybody - so everything he felt, whilst it felt genuine at the time, has faded & he's created all of this pain for nothing, really.

I don't think anyone realises how devastating affairs are as they start them. They have no idea that there are horrific consequences & they have a ripple effect - its not just your other half that gets hurt, it's your kids & immediate family too.

I think that we could all find an excuse to have an affair as no-one meets all of your needs in a relationship & we all have low times in them.

My advice would be to really, really focus on your relationship. Try to get that back on track. Your issues sound fixable & you just need to get that connection back on the go - start listening to each other, spend time together, hug, hold hands, cuddle in bed & remember the good times.

You are in for a whole world of hurt you cannot even begin to comprehend if you go for the escape of an affair.

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 08:12:14

Both my parents had affairs.

My dad ended the marriage to be with my stepmother. Though my mum was involved with someone else.

Both my mother and my stepmother have said to me over the years that the grass isn't greener. Marriage is marriage - you cannot avoid dirty socks on the floor. The euphoria of a new relationship doesn't last.

Moreover the divorce and fallout from the divorce (thrown together stepfamiles) was extremely damaging and painful for four kids - myself and siblings/step siblings.

I am 42, my oldest step sibling 49, and we all still carry the scars even though we have our own happy families and are not a self pitying gang!

adrastea Sat 29-Sep-12 08:46:59

I think if that you decide to end a relationship, when there are children involved, you need to be absolutely sure that it is completely beyond saving. As your husband isn't abusive and hasn't done anything to make it intolerable for you, then I think you really owe it to your child to make a really honest and decent attempt at making your it work.

I know several people who have 'left for someone else' and where the second relationship has been a lot better and worked, but in those instances there were very good reasons why they should have left the first relationship completely independent of anything else - if someone else is involved it gets very messy and hurtful and obscures everything else.

gettingeasier Sat 29-Sep-12 08:59:13

You sound rather day dreamy and casual about ending your marriage

The pain exit affairs cause all involved is huge , one of those things nobody knows until they go through it

I suggest you take this a bit more seriously and start with wondering what if I paid more attention to my marriage rather than what if I went off with this tasty guy I just met

Glycine Sat 29-Sep-12 09:41:21

Oh thank you so much. I don't think our marriage is at that stage thankfully. Will definitely work on it. A single friend once commented how lucky I was with my husband compared to some other marriages she'd seen. So definitely time to appreciate what I've got and stop dreaming.

skyebluesapphire Sat 29-Sep-12 14:36:18

Please please talk and work it out. If you can't then end your marriage but for yourself not for someone else.

My STBXH walked out on me with no prior discussion and shocked the hell out of me. Found out afterwards that he was having - at the very least - an emotional affair with his best mates wife.

The shock and hurt and grief that I have been left with is immense. And I'm now bringing up our 4yo DD on my own with him seeing her one day a week.

Please don't do that to your H and DC.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 29-Sep-12 15:11:34

I didn't do this but, with the benefit of hindsight, I sometimes wish I had. When my marriage was shaky and we were having difficulties I did what good wives are supposed to do ... stick around, try to make it work, stay faithful, blah, blah, blah. There wasn't anyone else waiting in the wings but maybe if there had been, maybe I'd have been a little braver and less tolerant of all the crap. As it turned out, he left me instead and all of that loyalty and perseverance was a massive waste of time.

If it's not working don't let others tell you that you should be grateful or that you're being selfish for wanting something better. Doesn't mean you have to leap straight out of one man's bed into another's but OTOH compromise isn't always very satisfactory either.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now