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Dp has stopped looking after himself.

(14 Posts)
ABetterExample Fri 28-Sep-12 19:43:19

Have name changed.

For the past year my dp seems to have lost his self respect. He doesn't look after his personal hygiene (wont wash for days), health (teeth rotting so badly they are crumbling) and makes no effort in any area of his life anymore. He's completely different from the man I met who was funny, ambitious and handsome.

Ive tried my best to encourage him with his hobbies but all he wants to do now is eat and play x box. On his days off he spends all day playing games.

Hes almost always ill and always complains about his joints as hes become so unhealthy and now obese. Ive just had a baby (our first) and started exercising and have been suggesting that it would be nice if he joined me but he refuses.

He complains about his job and always talks about how he wants a new job, so while dd slept I wrote up a new cv for him but he wasn't even interested in looking at it. Ive been applying to jobs in the area he wants to get into but he wont even get back to potential employers.

I dont know what to do, how would you approach this?

I dont think I even love him anymore. Please tell me there's a chance he can turn things around. He says he's not depressed, he just wants to do what he likes.
Am I wrong to feel like this? I feel guilty and a bit shallow but if he carries on it will set an awful example to dd.

MushroomSoup Fri 28-Sep-12 19:45:58

I don't think I'm going to be much help; sorry. I'd be off like a shot.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Fri 28-Sep-12 19:50:15

Nah, I wouldn't love him either. Maybe by leaving him you'll give him the impetus to change back again.

maleview70 Fri 28-Sep-12 19:51:27

He sounds like he could be depressed.

Mama1980 Fri 28-Sep-12 19:53:27

Sounds like a form of depression maybe but if he won't address it I don't know what you can do, except leave maybe that would shock him into addressing things?

ChristmasKate Fri 28-Sep-12 19:58:29

Could you book an appointment to speak to your family doctor and get some advice, they may suggest a home visit?

He does sound depressed.

Pochemuchka Fri 28-Sep-12 20:05:24

Despite what he says it sounds like he's depressed.

Don't have any advice on what to do as my DP suffered from depression for 2 years + and even me leaving with the DC didn't make him get help.
He only finally did when he had a huge scare which gave him some insight and prompted him to get help and change.

I don't think you're being shallow and leaving might be the best thing for you regardless of whether it prompts him to change.
You say you're not sure if you love him and don't want the bad example for DD - they are two good reasons on their own.
You could find yourself being dragged down if you stay and there's nothing to stop you supporting him from more of a distance until he sorts himself out. (If that's what YOU want)

SilverHoney Fri 28-Sep-12 20:15:03

Have to say I'm surprised at the advice to leave him. If a husband was encourage to leave his depressed and struggling wife I doubt that would go down too well?

I would talk to your GP and see if you can persuade your DH to (although I know this may be difficult). Is there a male relative or friend that could talk to him man-to-man?

It does sound as though he's depressed. It is documented that men often fail to open up or seek help. Write him a letter expressing that you do love him and want to help, but make your concerns clear. A ''tough love'' approach often exasserbates the situation, causing the suffering person to shut down, as the critisisum only confirms their own negative thoughts.

It's hard, I know. But just think what you would hope your DH would do for you, should you find life such a struggle.

SoSad007 Sat 29-Sep-12 04:22:26

* Not showering and taking care of hygiene
* Not enjoying hobbies as he has in the past
* Escapism/avoidance behaviour with video games
* General unhappiness with life

OP despite what your hubby has said, it does sound like depression. In particular, a GP will pick up on the lack of hygiene and not enjoying his hobbies as 2 key indicators of possible depression.

Yes, he can turn things around but it does take a lot of effort on his part (ask me how I know). A GP can help him on his way with medication and a referral to counselling. After that, it is up to him to keep his level of 'happy' up there. Your suggestion for him to join you exercise is actually a really good one, but given his state, he probably doesn't see it that way.

Good luck, as it is really up to him to change his current state. He is really lucky to have you there for him.

dondon33 Sat 29-Sep-12 19:23:35

It does sound very much like depression.
Maybe you could speak to him about how he's changed, how you're worried, what it's showing your dd. If he's negative to your approach then it's time to get tougher...let him know there's only so much you can do to encourage and support him and if he won't help himself then you'll have no choice but to remove yourself and dd from the situation. (shock tactics could work)
If you made an appointment with the GP would he attend with you?

amillionyears Sat 29-Sep-12 19:50:43

Is he addicted to playing computer games?
Does he want to jack his job in so that he can play more games?
He may well be depressed as well.

BlatantRedhead Sat 29-Sep-12 20:26:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlatantRedhead Sat 29-Sep-12 20:28:54

Sorry, don't know how that post got so long...

cestlavielife Sat 29-Sep-12 22:39:45

You have to give an ultimatum here

He goes to gp and seeks help or he leaves. C
It is as simple as that .

Gps have a standard depression questionnaire they will go thru it seems he would answer yesto most questions...then he can discuss with gp treatment

As blatant red said.

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